Crystals of Silveria Abridged, Vol. I - An Abridged Meta-Parody... thing... by "The Author"

First things first: Feel free to comment between each episode. Don't think of it as "disrupting the flow of the series", but rather "recapturing the feel of the original, pre-remastered season".

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SPOILER WARNING!
There are major spoilers for those who have yet to read Crystals of Silveria Remastered! Read at your own risk!
Episode 1: The Seventh Plot Device, Part I

Scene 1: Zed’s House: Early Morning

The sun rises over a secluded township in the middle of a vast green plain. In a small house on the outskirts of town, a young man is in a restless slumber, tossing and turning. His eyes suddenly fly open and he sits up in his bed.

Young man (thoughts): Whoa, I need to stop eating muddvak cheese before bed…

The young man, now dressed, walks into his washroom. He gazes into his mirror, opening his mouth and biting onto his hand. The man’s hand glows with a bright blue light, illuminating his entire mouth for a moment before dissipating. He turns on a tap and rinses a cup, then fills it with water. He takes a mouthful and sloshes it around, spitting it into the sink. He then empties the cup and turns off the tap.

Young man: Nothing like making your own magical toothpaste!

The man thinks to himself, then realises something.

Young man: Oh, this is an animé, so my hair is supposed to be spiky if I ever want to be a main character!

The man holds his hand over his forehead. His hand glows. As he moves it upward, his messy, bright red hair spikes vertically. He moves his hand away, and it stops glowing.

Young man: Okay, time to eat a banana that will taste like garbage due to me cleaning my teeth BEFORE eating!

The young man opens the front door and steps through it, closing it behind him. As he turns around a bouncy ball lands next to his foot. He looks at the ball, then at the two boys running towards him.

Boy #1: Good morning, Mr. Zed!

Zed: Good morning, Steve! How are you?

Boy #1: My name’s not Steve!

Boy #2: Good morning, Mr. Zed!

Zed: Oh, hi, Steve!

Boy #2: My name’s not Steve, either.

Boy #1: Can we have our ball back, please?

Zed: Sure thing, Steve!

Zed kicks the ball to the boys. The second one grabs it.

Boy #2: Thanks, Mr. Zed!

Zed: No problem, Steve!

Boy #1: My name’s not Steve! It’s Alfre-

Zed: Sorry, Steve, I can’t chat right now. I have to go to work.

Boy #1: Okay then…”Steve”!

Zed: Bye-bye!

Boy #2: Bye-bye, “Steve”!

The boys run off with the ball. Zed smiles and shakes his head slightly, then makes his way into town.

Zed’s thoughts: Wait…so…is my name actually Steve…?

***
Opening Credits

***
Scene 2: Taylor’s Treasures: Morning

Zed makes his way to Taylor’s Treasures. A bell jingles as Zed opens the door and walks inside, closing the door behind him. A middle-aged woman with glasses heads downstairs into the small shop.

Zed: Good morning, Mrs. Taylor.

Mrs. Taylor: Ah, good morning, young Zed.

Zed looks around the shop.

Zed: So, I see the walls are still lemon meringue-coloured…

Mrs. Taylor: You skipped breakfast again, didn’t you? I keep telling you to eat first and THEN brush your teeth! Honestly, I had no trouble teaching that to my son, Ted!

Zed: Wait…so your son’s name ISN’T Steve?!

The bell jingles as the door opens. The delivery man walks in.

Deliveryman: Mornin’, Mrs. Taylor!

Mrs. Taylor: Mornin’, Mr. Deliveryman. What have you got for us today?

Deliveryman: Three big boxes o’ wondrous junk for ya.

Mrs. Taylor: Oh, I hope it’s those underpants of supreme comfort I ordered!

Zed picks up the smallest box, places it onto the counter and opens it with a small knife.

Zed: Sorry, Mrs. Taylor, it’s just full of brown, non-descript bags.

Mrs. Taylor: Oh, bummer! You may as well put ‘em on display then, lad. Then you can knock off work early and go get a lemon meringue from the bakery.

Zed: You’re so nice, Mrs. T!

Mrs. Taylor: Please don’t call me that, Zed…

Zed: Sorry. So…do you think I’ll ever become a main character?

Mrs. Taylor: With hair THAT spiky, lad, I’d be half-surprised if an elf carrying a plot device didn’t walk in here during the next scene!

Zed nods.

Zed’s thoughts: I hope you’re right, Ted-Steve’s mother…

Scene 3: Taylor’s Treasures: Early Afternoon

A young elven woman enters the shop, the little bell jingling as she opens and closes the door. Mrs. Taylor greets her with a smile.

Mrs. Taylor: Ah, I’ve been expecting you...

Young woman: Bonjour, mademoiselle. My name is Amethyst Lunerosée, and I am looking for someone with particularly spiky hair to accept a plot device that will make him – or her – a main character.

Mrs. Taylor: What a coincidence! My spikiest-haired employee was just saying that he wants to become a main character!

Amethyst: That is wonderful!

Mrs. Taylor: I’ll tell him to meet you in the tavern, even though he never sets foot in there and wouldn’t do so otherwise.

Amethyst: Merci, mademoiselle.

Scene 4: The Naked Drake: Afternoon

Zed walks inside the tavern. It is practically deserted, save for a couple of individuals at different tables.

Zed’s thoughts: Why couldn’t Mrs. Taylor have arranged for me to meet that person in the toy shop? I like the toy shop…

Zed walks over to Amethyst. Amethyst looks up at Zed, then stands up.

Amethyst: You must be Zed.

Zed: How did you guess?

Amethyst: Because your hair is so…spiky!

Zed: Oh…right.

Amethyst: Anyway, my name is Amethyst Lunerosée, and I am a wood elf from…uh…Verdelvum…the place where wood elves live. It is a pleasure to make your acquaintance, monsieur.

Zed: If…you’re a wood elf, then why do you keep using words from the Light Elvish language?

Amethyst giggles.

Amethyst: Spoilers, sweetie.

Amethyst picks up her staff and starts to head towards the door.

Zed: Wait…what’s a spoiler?

Zed starts to follow Amethyst.

Scene 5: Meadow: Afternoon

Zed and Amethyst walk to the top of a hill covered in short, green grass.

Amethyst: Okay, here we are.

Zed: The meadow near my house?

Amethyst: Is it? Well, that’s suspiciously convenient…

Zed: Why did you bring me here?

Amethyst: I will show you.

Amethyst reaches into her satchel, pulling out a wooden box with a silver clasp. She undoes the clasp, swinging the box open so that Zed can gaze upon the contents. Inside the box are seven alcoves, with one of the alcoves containing a triangular, cyan-coloured crystal.

Amethyst: This box contains the seventh in a set of plot devices that will make you, Zed Steve Starmute, a main character, better known as a Crystalbound.

Zed: I…can be a main character…?!

Amethyst: I just said we’re called the-

Zed: Wow…

Zed steps forward. He reaches out his hand and picks up the crystal. As he opens his hand, the crystal’s centre glows with a bright light. Zed places the crystal around his neck. The light within its centre shines bright enough to illuminate the immediate area, before returning to a low level of constant light within the centre.

Zed: I’m a main character!

Scene 6: Street: Morning

Zed and Amethyst walk down a street.

Zed: Thank you for buying my new clothes.

Amethyst: It is my pleasure, Zed. Now, we need to buy you a wand that later turns out to be your long-lost sword.

Zed: What? But wizards don’t use swords! Why would I have a sword?

Amethyst: Spoilers, sweetie.

Zed leads Amethyst to another door. The sign above the door reads The Budding Alchemist. Zed opens the door, motioning Amethyst to enter. Amethyst nods once and enters the building, followed by Zed. An elderly gentleman with a long white beard greets them.

Gentleman: Ah, Zed. Still having bizarre dreams?

Zed: Yes, Mr. Steve Newt.

Newt: You do know that muddvak cheese before bed will cause weird dreams, right?

Zed: Yes, Mr. Steve Newt. Sorry, Mr. Steve Newt…

Newt: I suppose you’re here for your swo- I mean…a wand that clearly isn’t yours until you buy it?

Zed: Yep.

Newt: Very well.

Mr. Newt notices Amethyst.

Newt: Ah, my former apprentice. It is good to see you again.

Amethyst: Oh, now I remember you! You used to be my teacher!

Newt: Yes, yes I did.

Mr. Newt leads Zed to a display containing a selection of wands.

Zed: How will I know which one is the right one for me?

Newt: Well, it CERTAINLY isn’t because it was yours and you recognise it, even in a different form!

Zed looks around. He spots a silver wand adorned with a carving of a dragon at its far end. He walks over to it and picks it up. Almost immediately, a bright blue glow surrounds him. He reaches into his shirt and pulls out the crystal, which is also glowing with a bright blue light.

Newt: No…it cannot be!

The light dissipates. Mr. Newt walks over to Zed.

Newt: Zed! You did not tell me you had a plot device!

Zed: That’s because it was only given to me yesterday…

Newt: Oh. Well, we must go to my house and discuss it further.

The three people step out of the shop. A mysterious figure lurks in the shadows.

Figure: Oh, man…they locked me in here! Didn’t they know I was here? I might be locked in here for hours...I guess I'll trash the place, then! Heheheh...

***
Closing Credits

***

Episode 2: The Seventh Plot Device, Part II

Scene 1: Newt’s Cottage: Morning

Amethyst and Zed are seated in armchairs surrounding a small table. Newt pulls a book from the shelf.

Newt: Ah, this should be a good one...

Newt sits in an armchair and places the heavy book onto the table. He opens it and flips through the pages.

Newt: What the-

Zed: It’s blank.

Newt: I can see that, Zed... lousy inkmites. Now I need to tell you what I remember instead...

Amethyst: About the Empire?

Newt: The what?

Amethyst: The Silverian Empire, Monsieur. It's why you called us here.

Newt: Don't be ridiculous, Amethyst! Silveria isn't an empire, it's a KINGDOM.

Zed: But Mr. Steve Newt-

Newt: Now, now, it's getting late. You best be heading home before it gets dark.

Zed: It's 11AM.

Newt: Now, now, Mister, you know how your mother worries, don't you?

Zed: I don't even remember HAVING one.

Newt: Then where did you think you came from, hm? You wouldn't believe that ridiculous story about how a seahorse brought you here, would you?

Amethyst: How did you-

Newt: Seahorses are a myth, just like elves, mages and the Crystalbound.

Amethyst: But I am all three of those things, Monsieur.

Newt: Oh... that's right...

Zed: So you have no information on the crystals?

Newt: No. If I DID, this page wouldn't be blank-

Words and images suddenly appear on the pages.

Newt: -now would it? Oh... oh, my... this is FAR too overwhelming for my narrow understanding of magic...

Amethyst: But Monsieur, you were my mage instructor. You taught me all I know over the course of 35 years!

Newt: 35 years?! It only took 10 for Alekzander to master it!

Newt's thoughts No WONDER Zed thinks my name is Steve...

***
Opening Credits

***

Scene 2: Town Square: Late Morning

Amethyst and Zed walk past the fountain.

Zed: Well, THAT was no help...

Amethyst: Agreed, mon Cher.

Zed: Well, we should go say goodbye to Mrs.-

Zed suddenly farts. Amethyst giggles.

Amethyst: Trés amusing, mon protégé.

Zed: Sorry, heheh...

Scene 3: Taylor’s Treasures: Late Morning

Zed and Amethyst enter Taylor’s Treasures, the little bell jingling as the door opens and closes.

Zed: Hm... either she's upstairs, or she's at Mr. Steve Newt's house.

Amethyst: How do you know?

Zed: I'm psychic or something. My powers are left deliberately ambiguous to drive the whole "amnesiac hero" trope to its fullest.

Amethyst: Ah, I see.

Zed: Nah, she only ever goes there. My neighbours Steve and Steve swear she goes to the field near my house and watches the sunset-

***
We shift to a view of Mrs. Taylor from behind as she observes the twilight horizon.

***
Zed: -but that's absurd.

Amethyst: You do not think she goes there?

Zed: Nope, only everyone else in town. Every night they throw a wild party in that field, with music so loud that I NEVER get a good nights' sleep.

***
We cut to a view of Zed tossing and turning in his bed as the loud thump of '80s-style music and a gathering of noisy people are heard in the background.

***
Zed: Honestly, it'll be nice to get a decent sleep for once.

Amethyst: About that...

Zed: Well, we should get going, otherwise this episode will run too long.

Amethyst: Agreed. Let's skip ahead to the tavern scene.

Zed: Aw, can't it be a toy shop THIS ti-

Scene 4: The Name Pending Tavern: Afternoon

Amethyst and Zed enter the tavern. Zed looks around and sees a few adventurers sitting at tables. Three human males, presumably fighters, are gathered around a short-bearded dwarf wearing silver armour. The dwarf speaks with a regal English accent.

Dwarf: And THAT'S how I got the world record score in Monkey King!

Fighter #1: Uh... don't you have a Scottish accent in the main series?

Dwarf: Do you honestly think I’d be stupid enough to try doing a Scottish accent when I'm not even the original voice actor?! Us Scottish accent-using types can't stand people trying to use our accent and messing it up!

Fighter #2: Fair enough.

Dwarf: Try to show a little respect, why not?

The dwarf drinks a mouthful of mead from his mug. Amethyst walks over to the dwarf. Zed follows behind.

Amethyst: Good afternoon, Thobrun.

Thobrun: Hello, Amethyst. Is this him?

Thobrun sees Zed standing behind Amethyst.

Zed: A-Actually, my name's not "Him". It's Zed... or Steve. Not sure which.

Thobrun stands up.

Thobrun: Well met, Zed Notshorwich.

Thobrun bows. Zed bows right back.

Thobrun: I'm Thobrun.

Zed: As in Steve Thobrun?

Thobrun cringes slightly.

Thobrun: No, just "Thobrun", of Clan Steelanvil.

Amethyst: I was just going to introduce Zed to the others.

Thobrun: They're already on their way.

Amethyst: Sacre bleu! Couldn't they have waited?!

Thobrun: You know how impatient that "certain someone" gets.

Amethyst: Do you mean Brocc, Bryn or-

Thobrun: Okay, okay, you've made your point...

Zed: They can't have gotten far.

Amethyst: Well, they can keep waiting. The three of us shall use the rooms we have booked. I am, after all, obliged to give my protégé his first good nights' sleep in recent memory.

***
We cut to a view of Zed tossing and turning in bed as loud violin-based folk music and laughing and cheering people are heard in the background.

***
Zed: Good morning!

Amethyst: Ah, you seem bonne! Did you sleep well?

Zed: Not a wink!

Amethyst smiles.

Amethyst: Ah, that is... ahahah... hah... eh.

Zed: It's fine, though. I spent the whole night thinking about how amazing it is that I'm a main character!

Amethyst: Oui oui, I am most confident that we will get it right this time.

Zed: Yeah! Wait... get what right?

Amethyst: Uh... spoilers, sweetie.

Zed: Oh, okay then. Woo!

Amethyst's thoughts: Phew... THAT was close...

Scene 5: En Route to Silveria City: Morning

The party walks along a forested path heading in the direction of Silveria City. Zed speaks to the orcborn.

Zed: I don't believe I got your name...

Orcborn: Really? I already told you eleven times. It's-

Zed: I mean I know the names of Amethyst, Thobrun, Emily, Bryn, Brocc, Brocc's pet cat, that buzzcut-headed guy and his bear companion who are stalking us back there just out of frame and carrying a bunch of stolen and/or broken goods from Mr. Steve Newt's shop...

The orcborn smiles.

Orcborn: You have quite the sense of humour, Zed Steve Starmute from the outskirts of Silvertooth.

Zed: Actually, the town name hasn't been revealed yet...

Bryn: Way to spoil it for the rest of us, dumdum!

Amethyst: Actually, Cher Bryn, I doubt the name of Zed's hometown is too much of a spoiler. Do you not agree, Brocc?

Brocc: Don't ask me, Person-Who-isn't-Actually-a-Wood-Elf. I'm still trying to make sense of the fact that this version of the story is just a stripped down, played-for-laughs abridged version, meaning it isn't exactly spoiler-tight. I mean my whole schtick is breaking the fourth wall, so what exactly is my role in this thing if everyone ELSE is doing it?!

Bryn: Oh, poor baby! At least you weren't gender-flipped by your best friend!

Brocc: Bryn, how many times do I have to tell you? You were NOT gender-swapped! NO potion in ALL the universes even HAS that capability! Any perceptions you have of such a thing having happened to you are ENTIRELY psychosomatic!

Bryn: And how do you know, fart-features?!

Brocc: Because gender is an illusion and everyone has value no matter how they identify. Plus, my family's been in the potions business for over three centuries.

Bryn: Yeah, right! I bet you only said that 'cos-

Thobrun: Both of you stop bickering, OTHERWISE we'll turn this car around and go home!

Brocc: Aw, man... you know, you're really grouchy in this version, Thobrun...

Bryn: He scares me.

Brocc: EVERYTHING scares you! See those barbarians over next to that sign?

Bryn: You mean THAT sign?

Bryn points to a sign with the words “TOLL RODE” crudely written in black paint.

Brocc: Well... pfft, OBVIOUSLY, Bryn! Do you SEE any other signs?

Thobrun: Well, maybe we can negotiate peacefully with them.

Orcborn: Be realistic, Thobrun. No barbarian would be so compliant.

Emily: You are right, my dear.

Bryn: Pfft... you're only taking his side because you LOOOOOOOOVE-

Orcborn: Bryn, shut up and let me talk to the nice person!

Bryn looks up at the barbarian guarding the bridge.

Bryn: Like you can speak their language!

Barbarian: I am not unliterate.

Bryn’s thoughts: Seriously, who could translate that…?

Orcborn: He says the toll is 32 Gold.

Bryn: WHAT?! How the-

Orcborn: Why are you making us pay to cross?

Barbarian: I am not unliterate.

Orcborn: Can't we work something out?

Bryn: Okay, this is bad!

Orcborn: Bryn, for the love of... just let me negotiate for once.

Barbarian: I am not unliterate!

Orcborn: Can you even spell “money“?

Barbarian: I… am not… unliterate...?

Orcborn: Wow, you actually DO know how to spell it... good job!

The barbarian bellows loudly.

Barbarian: I AM NOT UNLITERATE!

Orcborn: Okay, you win. Take the gold, plus a little extra for proving me wrong.

Barbarian: Huh huh huh... I am not unliterate...

Orcborn: Problem solved.

Emily: I had no idea you spoke barbarian.

Orcborn: My mother taught me before she disappeared without a trace when I was younger.

Bryn: Well, it's a good thing she did, otherwise we'd be haggis right now!

Orcborn: Okay, let's continue onward before anything else hap-

Zed: "SLEEP!"

Zed suddenly points his wand at the barbarians, who slump to the ground in a deep slumber.

Orcborn: What the…?!

Thobrun: What the...?!

Bryn: What the...?!

Amethyst: Sacre bleu!

Brocc’s thoughts: What the...?!

The orcborn steps over the barbarians and walks over to the party.

Orcborn: Remind me never to get on your bad side!

The orcborn sheathes his sword and holds out his right hand. Zed grabs it and clenches. The two release their grips.

Orcborn: That wasn't necessary, but thank you all the same.

Zed: No problem. Glad to help... uh... I wanna say, "Steeeee-"

Orcborn: It's "Mak", actually. Mak Clay.

Zed: Wow, you're the first person I've met here who ISN'T named Steve.

Amethyst: What should we do about these barbarians?

Bryn: Well, we'll be just fine as long as there aren't any Silveria City guards nearby.

A woman’s voice echoes from the other side of the bridge.

Voice: What's going on over there?

Mak: Uh-oh.

Bryn: Cheese it!

The scene cuts to black as the sound of rapidly shuffling feet sounds. A cloud of dust kicks across the screen.

Zed's voice: Oh, PLEASE don't mention cheese, Steve...

***
Closing Credits

***

Episode 3: The Obligatory Wizard School, Part I

Scene 1: Outside Stormshroud Academy: Late Afternoon

Amethyst and Zed stand at the gate outside the prestigious Stormshroud Academy for Young Mages, an enormous campus nestled within Silveria City’s Mage’s District.

Amethyst: Ah, my old magic academy...

Zed: You mean wizard schoo-

Amethyst: Most certainly not! That is a stereotypical term. It is a MAGIC academy.

Zed: But people who use magic are wiz-

Amethyst: No, mon Cher. Not everyone who uses magic is a wizard.

Zed: Oh... and not every wizard uses magic, right?

Amethyst: Of course they do! Why else would wizards spend decades to master even basic use of magic?

Zed: But... Mr. Steve Newt told me I'm a base magic adept who doesn't need to study.

Amethyst: Yes, but YOU are a main character, and thus are gifted with overpowered talents and abilities that no normal person could even dream of having.

Zed: Because of my plot device?

Amethyst: Oh, Cher Apprenti, your crystal has nothing to do with your overpowered gifts.

Zed: But wasn't IT an overpowered gift from you...?

Amethyst's thoughts: Sacre bleu... why is it always the naïve, absently-minded ones who have grand, life-changing quests beyond rational means...?

***
Opening Credits

***

Scene 2: Entrance Hall: Stormshroud Academy: Late Afternoon

Amethyst, Zed and Alek walk into the entrance hall from outside.

Alek: Welcome to our generic institution for magic. I am Alekzander Stormshroud, Alek to my friends. Your master and I have been friends for many years.

Amethyst: Indeed we have, Cher Alekzander.

Alek: Amethyst, please... after all this time, you more than most have earned the right to call me "Alek".

Amethyst: Merci, Cher Alekzander. I accept your most generous proposition.

Alek: But... you still referred to me as... Oh, never mind.

Zed: It's nice to meet you, Alekzander.

Alek: Now, now, Zed, you should know what to call me, hm?

Zed: Wait... so I get to call you "Alek", too?

Alek laughs.

Alek: My word, no! You may call me "Master Stormshroud", as you are a student of this generic magic school.

Zed: Oh... sorry, Mr. Steve Stormshroud.

Alek: Eh... close enough. Anyway, see that building over there?

Alek points to a metal building at a far corner of campus grounds, surrounded by a high, jagged-metal fence and a deep moat. Loud roars can be heard from within. Zed squeals.

Zed: What was THAT?!

Alek: Oh, nothing of concern. Just our former dragon janitor who went mad and destroyed half the school, forcing us to lock him away, only for him to break out and do the same thing at least twice more ater that.

Zed: And no-one thought to relocate him far, far away from here?!

Alek: Oh... I suppose that could've helped us thirty years ago, when it first happened... any suggestions?

A shocked look spreads across Zed’s face.

Zed: Y-You're asking ME, a complete stranger who's only just arrived at this generic magic school AND probably this universe in general, on where to relocate a dangerously mad silver DRAGON?!

Amethyst: Uh… the colour of Gintamago's scale hasn't been mentioned...

Zed: How about Kobelia? Narnia? Another PLANE? Feel free to choose ANY of those suggestions!

Alek's thoughts: The **** is "Narnia"...?

Scene 3: Temple of Marilina: Late Afternoon

Mak, Emily and Bryn enter the Temple of Marilina. Bryn feels out-of-place.

Bryn: Okay, why are we here?

Mak: You know why, Bryn.

Bryn: I keep telling you, Gazzo's potion flipped my gender!

Mak: Gender is an illusion. You KNOW that.

Bryn: Then HOW do you explain why my-

Emily: Bryn, you must speak to my mentor. She will explain everything.

Bryn: I. HATE. BEING. GENDER. FLIPPED.

***
High Priestess: And that is from whence babies come.

Mak: Wow... I had no idea...

High Priestess: Then how did you think you came into being?

Bryn: HA! You REALLY don't wanna know, ma'am.

Emily: We thank you, High Priestess.

Emily bows. The High Priestess bows right back.

High Priestess: May Marilina bring you and your love a wealth of happiness, love and-

Bryn: Love? Pfft... as if MAK would ever like-like someone in THAT way.

Mak: And how would you know?

Bryn: Y-You're kidding, right? You LITERALLY just thought you were grown out of a head of cabbage.

Mak: So? That's what my teacher Miss Ceras taught me.

Bryn: What, when you were three years old?

Mak: Sh... shut up...

Bryn: And where's Brocc?

Scene 4: Alleyway: Late Afternoon

Brocc is pursued through a deserted alley by two human thugs wielding big clubs.

Brocc: HAHA! I'm gonna win this back alley marathon!

Thug #1: Fat chance!

Thug #2: Yeah, that trophy is MINE!

Brocc: Trophy? I'm doin' this for the years' supply of assorted treats and edibles! YUUUUUUUUM!


Scene 5: Stormshroud Academy: Late Night

Zed is asleep in bed. He is awoken by a small, bright blue orb of light hovering above his bed. The orb floats over to his door.

Zed: Ooh, shiny...

Zed climbs out of bed, puts on his shirt and boots and makes his way over to the door, opening it. The orb floats out of the door and makes its way down the corridor. Zed follows it.

***
The orb floats up to a door labelled “Familiar Studies”. Zed walks up to the door.

Zed’s thoughts: Oh... there's even a class that teaches you how to reverse amnesia... generic magic school is SO awesome...

The door swings open. Zed looks down and sees a tiny blue dragon no taller than his shin on the ground.

Zed: Aw, aren't you just the CUTEST little lightning-breathing menace to good folks everywhere?

Zed hears a familiar voice from within the room.

Voice: Who's there?!

Zed: Uh...

Alek: Oh, Zed. Come in.

Zed: Wait... Mr. Steve Stormshroud?

Zed walks into the classroom. A counter runs along the back wall with five eggs nested on top of it. A large blackboard is mounted on the left wall with the words “Master Stormshroud” and “Familiar Studies” written on it in white chalk.

Alek: Why are you up so late at night?

Zed: Oh, I have insomnia.

Alek: I thought it was called "amnesia"...?

Zed: I have insomnia AND amnesia.

Alek: Ah, I see.

Zed. And something called "chronic procrastination disorder", whatever THAT is...

Alek: I figured you'd be an artist.

Zed: A what?

Alek: N-Never mind. For now, just take one of those eggs to your dorm.

Zed: What is it?

Alek: A nanodragon egg.

Zed: Whoa, for realsies?!

Alek: Yes. At least two-thirds of the major recurring spellcasters in this series each have an exceedingly rare nanodragon familiar, as opposed to more ubiquitous choices such as cats, frogs... uh... some less generic choices...

Zed: "At least two-thirds"...? Seems a bit disproportionate, doesn't it?

Alek: Well, major characters get preferential treatment, do they not?

Zed: Then why is Amethyst's familiar an owl? And why is Mr. Steve Newt's familiar-

Alek: You've... made your point. Alright, off you pop. Take your egg, then back to bed, hm?

Zed: Alright.

Zed leaves the room. Alek closes the door.

Zed: Ooh, shiny...

Zed's thoughts: I sure hope no-one is spying on me through the shadows of this dark hallway...

A mysterious figure lurks in the darkness, watching as Zed heads back to his room.

To be Continued...

***
Closing Credits

***

Episode 4: The Obligatory Wizard School, Part II

Scene 1: Illusion Studies: Stormshroud Academy: Morning

Zed is seated at a desk in a classroom surrounded by a number of other students. Two male students of about seventeen years of age talk amongst themselves.

Student #1: Huh huh... huh huh...

Student #2: Heh heh... heh heh...

Student #1: Huh huh... huh huh... check out the new guy... huh huh...

Student #2: Heh heh... heh heh... yeah, he thinks he's a main character or somethin'... heh heh...

The two young men snicker. A female student in her twenties scolds them.

Student #3: So what? At least he's actually DOING something with his life, unlike you two layabouts.

Zed looks at the female student.

Zed’s thoughts: Wow, it's Hermione Granger...

Student #1: Huh huh... huh huh... what's a layabout...? Huh huh...

Student #2: Heh heh... heh heh... I think it's a type of nut loaf... heh heh...

Student #1: Huh huh...

Student #2: Heh heh...

Student #1: Huh huh... you said "loaf"... huh huh...

Student #2: Heh heh... yeah... heh heh...

Student #1: Huh huh...

Student #2: Heh heh...

Alek walks into the classroom, his familiar perched on his shoulder.

Alek: Good morning, class.

Class (except Zed): Good morning, Master Stormshroud.

Zed: Good morning, Master Stormsteve.

Alek sits at his desk.

Alek: We have a new student, Zed Starmute.

Student #1: Huh huh... huh huh... his name is just a letter... huh huh...

Student #2: Heh heh... heh heh... yeah, the letter "moot"... heh heh...

We hear a fart sound.

Zed: Oop... sorry, heheh...

Student #1: Huh huh... huh huh... he just farted... huh huh...

Student #2: Heh heh... heh heh... and he's pronouncing his laugh wrong... heh heh...

Student #1: Huh huh... yeah, it's pronounced "huh huh"...

Student #2: Heh heh... yeah, not "heh heh"...

Student #1: Huh huh...

Student #2: Heh heh...

Alek loses his patience.

Alek: That is it! Both of you, to Headmaster Eugolelias's office, NOW!

Student #1: Huh huh... huh huh... his name sounds like that game with the two weirdoes... huh huh...

Student #2: Heh heh... heh heh... yeah, Banjo-Kazooie... heh heh...

Alek: Out!

The students leave the classroom, closing the door behind them.

Alek: Oh, thank Brocc for that...

The wolfborn next to Zed speaks with a Scooby-Doo-like voice.

Wolfborn: Ruh-roh! Raster Rormroud red a rude rurd! ("Uh-oh! Master Stormshroud said a rude word!")

Zed looks at the wolfborn.

Zed's thoughts: Whoa... a talking Gachamon...

Alek gestures to the wolfborn.

Alek: Apologies, my young apprentice. Those two really get on everyone's nerves...

"Hermione": I agree, Master Stormshroud.

Alek: Who are you...? What are you doing in this class?

Zed: That's Hermione, Master Stormsteve.

Alek: I assure you that there is no Hermoyne in this class, Zed.

"Hermione": You know who I am, Master Stormshroud! Laura? Laura Goldenclaugh? The half-sibling of your wolfborn apprentice, Kendall Silvertooth, who is sitting in the front row next to our new student?

Alek stares blankly for two seconds.

Alek: ...doesn't ring a bell, I'm afraid.

Laura: Oh, for Brocc's sake...

Alek: Now run along to wherever it is you're supposed to be, otherwise you'll be facing a wood elf's week of detention.

Kendall whispers to Zed.

Kendall: Ra rood elf's reek is roo ronths rong. ("A wood elf's week is two months long.")

Zed's thoughts: Whoa... roo whole ronths... that's a LOT of rerention...

***
Opening Credits

***

Scene 2: Campus Grounds: Stormshroud Academy: Early Afternoon

Zed, Kendall and Laura sit on a bench underneath a tree.

Zed: So what were you doing in Master Stormsteve's class, anyway? Did you get to class early and realise it was the wrong one? 'cause it happens WAY more often than I'm willing to admit...

Laura laughs.

Laura: Of course not, Zed. I'm sure Master Stormshroud was just making a joke. After all, his memory is flawless, isn't it Kendall?

Kendall: Uh... roo I roh roo? ("Uh... do I know you?")

Zed: Well, you probably had Herbology or something.

Laura: I think it's more likely that everyone's having a sudden onset case of amnesia.

Zed: Wait... how did you know that, Hermione? Have WE met? I'm sorry I forgot about you...

Kendall: Ree roo... ("Me too...")

Laura: No, no, it was just a joke. No-one on campus actually HAS amnesia.

Zed: I do.

Laura: Oh... I apologise for my insensitivity.

Zed: It's fine. I know you didn't mean it, since I'm not Ron Weasley. Wait... ginger hair...

Zed's thoughts: Could I be...? Nah... Ron doesn't wear Angusteventhalliusimmonatticusius for Men...

Kendall: Ri'm rungry roar rum Renny raKs! ("I'm hungry for some Kenny snaKs!")

Zed: Me too!

The trio begin to head for the dining hall.

Zed’s thoughts: I hope we have fish fingers and custard today... mmm...

Scene 3: Stormshroud Academy: Early Afternoon

Zed, Laura and Kendall proceed towards the dining hall. Zed notices a glow coming from down a hallway.

Zed: Ooh, shiny...

Kendall: Rerry rhiny! ("Very shiny!")

Zed and Kendall begin to proceed down the hallway.

Laura: Oh no... looks like another planar rift leak... well, guess I'd better tell Dad that Kendall's gonna be late for dinner... or early for breakfast last Tuesday...

Laura’s thoughts: Or LITERALLY partying like it's 1999...

Zed and Kendall turn left into another hallway. They see a swath of destruction: paintings crooked, carpeting in shreds and furniture splintered and broken. Deep claw marks line the wooden walls.

Zed: Who could have done this?

We see glowing blue graffiti sprayed on a nearby wall that reads, "LILLIAN ALEKZANDER STUPIDSHROUD WAZ ERE"

Zed: GASP! Kendall, I think Master Stormsteve trashed this hallway!

Kendall: Rat's rimrossirrrrr! ("That's impossibrrrrr!")

Zed: Then how do you explain the graffiti? If he really didn't do it, then why would he foolishly admit to doing it as part of the hallway trashing?

Kendall: Ruh... Ry ron'n roh... ("Uh... I don't know...")

Zed: There's no other explanation. Let's call the police.

Kendall: Rohray. ("Okay.")

Scene 4: Alek’s Office: Stormshroud Academy: Evening

Amethyst and Alek sit on a couch in Alek’s office. The two friends laugh.

Amethyst: Oh, that was hilarious!

Alek wipes a tear from his eye with a gloved finger.

Alek: You really think so?

Amethyst: Oui, oui, Cher Alekzander. A sense of humour so magnifique should be considered a criminal offence.

Three city guards burst into the office.

Guard #1: Alekzander Stupidshroud?

Alek: Yes?

The other two guards approach Alek.

Guard #1: You're under arrest.

The guards grab Alek’s hands and bind them together with handcuffs.

Alek: Oh, come on! It wasn't that bad!

Guard #2: The hallway under the stairs lies in ruins!

Alek: But… it was only a joke...

Guard #3: Yeah? Well, we're gonna make sure your "jokes" don't unwittingly damage heritage listed buildings anymore.

The guards pull Alek from the room.

Alek: NOOOOOOOO!

The guards close the doors. Amethyst stands staring at them in a state of mild shock.

Amethyst's thoughts: Sacre bleu... I should learn to THINK before I think... I think...?

To be Continued…

***
Closing Credits

***

Episode 5: The Archetypal Evil Twin, Part I

Scene 1: Akanius Plains: Morning

And now, for no apparent reason, here's a snippet of a completely different series...

Five individuals walk through a vast plain of brownish dirt, greyish-green grass and puddles of lava. Leading the party are two drachomi, individuals who resemble humanoid dragons. The one on the right has red scales and wears golden armour, whereas the one on the left has bright blue scales and wears gleaming armour with a tinge of mint green. Following behind are three other individuals: a male human with rounded ears, dark blue spiky hair and red clothing; a female human with slightly-pointed ears, long, dark brown hair and blue clothing; and a male gnome with purple hair and green clothing. The three individuals at the back wear special masks to help them breathe due to the thick, acrid air outside. The gnome speaks with a voice identical to that of Brocc, whereas both drachomi speak with American accents.

Gnome: Wow, he was right...

Red Drachomus: Who was right?

Gnome: My br- I mean... some gnome with green hair named Broccoli Choy Verdann Svetlana Asparagustus Anchovius Wheatcream Bucknoodle Hairy Squirty Windy-

Two hours later...

Gnome: Angusteventhalliusimmonatticusius Ed-

Many months later...

Gnome: -uh... Farshot who I've met at least a couple times in the past. He says this version of the story makes no sense.

Cyan Drachomus: How so?

Gnome: Well, for one, what's happening right now isn't even part of Crystals of Silveria Abridged, is it?

Cyan Drachomus: Well, no, but it WILL be when the author does Mask of Akanius Abri-

The red drachomus punches the cyan drachomus hard in his upper arm.

Cyan Drachomus: OW!

Red Drachomus: Sorry, I had to shut you up before you set a false expectation for the readers.

Cyan Drachomus: False expectation? How is mentioning-

The red drachomus punches the cyan drachomus hard in his loin.

Red Drachomus: Eight words: Crystals of Silveria II: Fruit of the Overlay.

The cyan drachomus gulps.

Cyan Drachomus: You have made your point... aaaaaaahhhh, my ribs...

Red Drachomus: Of course, if the abridged series that shall not be named DOES eventually come to exist, then this scene isn't gonna make sense in context... so everyone just act casual, in an abridged sort of way.

Cyan Drachomus: Very well...

The red drachomus laughs loudly. The cyan drachomus chuckles nervously.

Gnome: Pfft... hypocrite.

The red drachomus loses her temper, before saying a line of dialogue using the same tone and rhythm as the stereotypical barbarian catchphrase, "I AM NOT UNLITERATE!".

Red Drachomus: I AM NOT A HIPP-O-CRIT! RAAAAAWR!!

***
The scene suddenly cuts to a chibi-style image of Zed, Argen and Brocc eating cake, with a chibi Erik standing nearby, though most of his view is covered by a piece of tape marked "SPOILERS, SWEETIES!". An announcer speaks with an overly-exaggerated "BBC English" styled voice.

Announcer: Viewers of any and every gender - that goes for you as well, Bryn-

Bryn's voice: Hey, shut up, Brocc-face!

The announcer's voice changes to the male gnome voice.

Announcer: Dang it, Bryn! The idea is to NOT turn this series into a glorified Super-Short!

Bryn's voice: Sorry... carry on, Doctor.

Announcer: Who? Eh, whatever... now, where was I...?

Bryn's voice (mumbles): Making obscure classic British television puns, it seems... wibbly-wobbly, timey-wimey...

The announcer clears his throat, before returning to his "BBC English" styled voice.

Announcer: We apologise for this disruptive interlude. Please stay tuned for the REAL next chapter of this abridged take on Crystals of Silveria, Something... Something... Something... Evil Twin. And no, it ISN'T Sven... (Brocc voice) Ooh, that Sven... (Announcer voice) We hope you enjoy.

Episode 5: The Archetypal Evil Twin, Part I (For REALSIES this time! Promise!)

Scene 1: Amethyst’s Quarters: Stormshroud Academy: Night

Amethyst sits in her room, trancing. A knock sounds through the door, and Amethyst awakens.

Amethyst: Oh, that must be the pizza I ordered... I've been SO looking forward to it.

The door opens and Alek walks in. Amethyst gasps, an expression of surprise on her face.

Amethyst: Aw... I mean... Oh, Alekzander.

Alek: You have a tone of disappointment in your voice.

Amethyst: Oh... I ordered a pizza two hours ago.

Alek: Ah, yes... Drake's Family Pizzeria, "Delivered in 20 Axian minutes or your pizza's free!"

Amethyst: Indeed. Given the length of time I've waited, they owe me 7 Axian dollars five times over.

Amethyst looks at Alek.

Amethyst: Um... that was intended as a joke.

Alek: It was? I never pictured you as the comedic type, "my friend".

Amethyst: Oui, cher Alekzander.

Alek sighs.

Alek: One day...

Amethyst: Ah, yes... what happened to you?

Alek: I was arrested for unpaid parking tickets. Strange, considering I don't even know how to drive...

Amethyst: Surely the city guard cannot arrest you for a few petit fines, especially if it is a case of mistaken identity.

Alek: Well, they CAN if it is eight Axian years' worth of violations, with each unpaid fine doubling in value for each twelve Axian month period, which is surprisingly less costly than it sounds...

Amethyst: Even so, you are not the culprit.

Alek: Oh, really?

Alek holds up a wanted poster that reads, "ALEKZANDER STUPIDSHROUD - WANTED - OR ALIVE".

Amethyst: Sacre bleu! How is this possible?!

Alek: I have absolutely no idea.

Amethyst: This person could be your proverbial evil twin!

Alek: Don't be ridiculous, Amethyst. My twin looks nothing like this imposter. For one, this person is at least two Axian feet taller than my twin.

The door bursts open.

Kendall: RORRUUUUURR?! ("WAZZAAAAAHH?!")

Alek: AAH! Don't DO that, Kendall!

Kendall: Rorrr... ("Sorry...")

Zed: I just tried Goldenian rock for the first time!

Amethyst: Sacre bleu! Do you have any idea how much sugar is in Goldenian rock? You'll be defying gravity if you eat too much!

We see a view of Zed and Kendall standing on the ceiling.

Zed: Don't be silly, Master Amnesteve! You can't put gravy in tea! That's gross!

Kendall: Racruhrry, Ry rirah rike rrr... ("Actually, I kind of like it...")

The scene suddenly jumps to Zed and Kendall standing on the left wall, with the doorframe oriented accordingly. Zed shrugs.

Zed: Oh well... to each their own. Hey, let's go to Granny Drake's All-You-Can-Sweet Shoppe and dive into the caramel fountain!

Kendall: Rohray! ("Okay!")

The scene suddenly mirrors.

Zed: WOO!

Zed and Kendall race away, kicking up a cloud of rainbow sparkles. As it clears, the scene is back to normal.

Amethyst: Sacre bleu...

Alek: I agree... for an abridged series created by the author of the real version, the quality of these edits is slightly underwhelming.

Amethyst: That... is not at all what I meant.

Amethyst's thoughts: Perhaps it was a mistake to enrol Zed at this academy…

***
Opening Credits

***

Scene 2: Lush Paradise: Late Morning

Brocc lies on a deckchair on a tropical beach, sipping a fruity beverage.

Brocc: Ah... a nice, relaxing vacation at my own private resort.

The picture zooms out to show a ridiculously-massive hotel in the background behind Brocc, with a green neon sign reading “Brocc Hotel”.

Brocc: The only thing that could spoil it is a near-naked Mak offering me something pointessly inedible...

Voice: Hot towel for you, sir?

Brocc turns to face Mak dressed in nothing but underwear, cufflinks and a bowtie, a towel draped over his arm.

Brocc: What? You can't eat a- AAAAAAAAH!

A gigantic wave splashes over Brocc.

Brocc: GAH! I’m drenched! This outfit cost me 500 Axian dollars!

***
Water splashes onto Brocc again, causing him to stir.

Voice: Oi! Get outta here!

Brocc: Ungh…500 Axian dollars…

Voice: Go on, get! Before I call the town guards!

Brocc looks up and sees a beautiful young woman standing over him.

Brocc (charismatic): Well, I apologise for loitering on your property, miss.

Girl: I'm married, you crouton!

Brocc (charismatic): Oh! I'm sorry, I didn't... wait... Bryn?

The girl smiles and suddenly speaks with Bryn's voice.

Girl: Heehee! What do you think of my disguise?

Brocc: Well, for one, it makes your butt look tall.

Girl: Aw, what a sweet thing to say... teehee!

A blank expression quickly emerges on Brocc’s face.

Brocc: Uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-

Girl: Is... something the matter?

Brocc: Fine! Just fine! I'm just not... used to you being nice to me is all.

Girl: Well, I need to TRY to be my usual, sweet self until my real gender flips back.

Brocc: Okay, firstly, you have NOT-

Girl: Yeah, yeah, I got enough of a lecture from Mak and Emily at the Temple of not-Rhyanna.

Brocc: Fair enough... secondly, since when are you sweet?

Bryn: HEY!

Brocc dashes away.

Girl: You win THIS round, Fartsnot...

Scene 3: Stormshroud Academy: Late Morning

Kendall sniffs the air in the ruined hallway.

Kendall: Oo roo rerrr rirri? ("Do you smell chilli?")

Zed: Nope, but my mouth tastes like a dentist's nightmare.

Kendall turns to face Zed.

Kendall: Roo rurry! ("You're funny!")

Zed: I am? Maybe I'm a stand-up comedian... named Steve N. Stevens... with my own long-running sitcom named "That's Our Steve!"...

Kendall: Rayrree... ("Maybe...")

Zed: Yeah... I wonder where Laura went...

Kendall: Roo? ("Who?")

Laura runs up to Zed and Kendall.

Laura: There you are!

Kendall (raised voice): RAYRER RAYRER! ("STRANGER DANGER!")

An elderly woman walks down the hallway.

Woman: Shh!

Kendall: Roo arr roo reeroo?! ("Who are you people?!")

Zed: Well, I'm Zed, and this is your sister Laura, and that's the nice lady who politely told you to-

The elderly woman walks past again.

Woman: Shh!

Zed: Rorry... ("Sorry...")

Laura: Zed! There is a bright light in your room!

Zed: Ooh, the shiny must've come back!

Kendall: Rrr rhiry? ("The shiny?")

Zed: Yeah! Let's go!

The librarian walks past again.

Librarian: Shh!

Laura: They really need to up the security in this place. It's only a matter of time before a pair of idiots trashes the library...

Scene 4: Library: Stormshroud Academy: Late Morning

The two bullies run around the library throwing books at each other.

Bully #1: Huh huh... huh huh... hey, Kel... huh huh... huh huh... catch... huh huh...!

The bully throws a children’s book at Kel. He misses it and picks up another book instead.

Kel: Heh heh... heh heh... I caught it, Ned... heh heh... heh heh... like a bass... heh heh...

Ned: Huh huh... huh huh... that's a different book... huh huh... the cover's different... huh huh...

Kel: Heh heh... heh heh... yeah, you're right... heh heh... your turn... heh heh...

Kel throws the book at Ned. Ned fires a magic missile at it, destroying it.

Ned: Huh huh... huh huh... pew pew... huh huh...

Kel: Heh heh... heh heh... a winner is you... heh heh...

Ned: Huh huh... I am Error... huh huh...

Kel: Heh heh... I am not unliterate... heh heh...

Alek’s voice: KELVIS AND BUTT-NED! WHO SAID YOU COULD TRASH THIS LIBRARY?! I WANTED TO DO IT!

Ned and Kel sheepishly walk over to Alek.

Ned: Huh huh... huh huh... what a baby... huh huh...

Kel: Heh heh... heh heh... waah waah... heh heh...

Ned: Huh huh...

Kel: Heh heh...

Alek: Hm... these simpletons should be easy to bend to my will...

Alek’s eyes glow bright blue.

Alek: That was almost too easy... aw, I wanted it to be more challenging!

Scene 5: Zed’s Dormitory: Stormshroud Academy: Late Morning

The egg rests on a table, glowing brightly. Zed walks in and runs over to it.

Zed: Ooh, shiny!

Laura: What is happening?!

Zed: Well, I'm pretty sure I'm about to slip into a trance for no discernible reason...

Laura: How can you tell?

Zed: I read the scri-

Zed’s irises begin to glow with a soft, cyan light. Zed slowly moves his hand towards the egg.

Laura: The scrih...? What's a "scrih"?

Zed does not respond. As his hand approaches the egg, his crystal begins to glow brightly. Laura watches as Zed’s hand touches the egg, causing a column of light to erupt from it. Zed pulls his hand away, and the shell shatters, sending lumps of silver scattering across the table. The light from the egg dissipates, revealing a tiny, silver nanodragon coiled up on the table. The nanodragon lifts its head, opens its wings and stands to face Zed.

Laura: Aw, it's so cute...

Nanodragon (telepathy): Mama!

A voice whispers in Zed’s mind.

Voice: Argen…

Zed speaks the name of his choice, his voice echoed and distorted in an almost-otherworldly tone.

Zed (distorted voice): Ooh, shiny!

Zed’s irises and crystal return to normal. A puzzled look appears on Zed’s face.

Zed: Okay, maybe that forty-second cherry coconut liquorice strap was a mistake...

Laura: Your egg…it...

Zed: It hatched?

Zed notices the shell fragments one-by-one.

Zed: Ooh, shiny... ooh, shiny... ooh, shiny... ooh, shiny... ooh, shiny... ooh, shiny... ooh, shiny... ooh, sh-

Laura: It's a dragon!

Zed: It's a dr... ooh, shiny!

Argen: Hi! I'm your familiar, Argen.

Zed: Aw, it's so cute! Aren't woo just the CWOOTEST wittle dwagy? Can I keep him?

Laura: I... think that's the idea.

Zed: Yay! I'm gonna call him... Steve.

Argen: I just told you my name! It's Ar-

Kendall runs into the room.

Kendall: Rerrr! ("Zed!")

Zed: I got a tiny dragon! His name is Steve.

Argen: Actually, it's Ar-

Kendall: Uh... rurrarr? Roo ruh rurry! ("Uh... congrats? You must hurry!")

Laura: For what reason?

Kendall: Roo ruh roo? ("Who are you?")

Laura sighs.

Zed: What's wrong?

Kendall: Rerrirr ruh Ruh-rerr ruhr rarrirr ruh rirrarry! ("Kelvis and Butt-Ned are trashing the library!")

Laura: Gasp! We must-

Kendall: Rerry-Rerry-ROOOOOOO! ("Kenny-Kenny-DAAAAALL!")

Kendall’s wolf features become more prominent. He howls as he races out the door.

Laura: Wait for us!

Laura begins to run to the door. Argen flies up to Zed’s right shoulder.

Zed: Come on, Steve!

Argen: I keep telling you, my name is Ar-

Zed: Hee hee! You sound like you're talking like people!

Argen: Sigh... bark, bark...

Zed and Argen race out the door, forgetting to close it behind them. The mysterious figure from before slips into the room from the opposite side of the hallway. She has bright pink hair tied into ponytails, bluish eyes, and somewhat revealing pink shugenja attire. She checks around the room, picking up a piece of eggshell. She examines it closely, then puts it into a pouch at her waist.

Girl: Ah, sugoi! ("Ooh, shiny!")

The girl sneaks back out of the room, disappearing down the same direction of the hallway.

To be Continued...

***
Closing Credits

***

Episode 6: The Archetypal Evil Twin, Part II

Scene 1: Headmaster’s Office: Stormshroud Academy: Early Afternoon

Headmaster Stormshroud sits in his chair, reading a heavy book.

Headmaster: Ooh, this is getting juicy!

The doors suddenly burst open, revealing Ned and Kel.

Kel: *BEEP* IS THE HALF-BLOOD *BEEP*!

Headmaster: How DARE you spoil such a big plot twist! Just WHO the Brocc do you think you ARE?!

Kel: HAHAHA! I AM THE GREAT BUTTHOLIO, MASTER OF SPOILING PLOTS AND DISAPPOINTING FANS!

Ned: AND I'M HELPING!

Ned and Kel’s eyes flash bright blue once. The two students walk over to Headmaster Stormshroud and hold him down by the shoulders.

Headmaster: What are you doing?! Unhand me at once!

Buttholio: BRYN IS ACTUALLY A GIRL!

Helping: HAHAHA! GOOD ONE, BUTTHOLIO!

Headmaster: No! No more spoilers, PLEEEEEASE!

Alek’s Voice: Aw, is someone on a no-spoiler diet?

Alek walks into the office and approaches the desk.

Headmaster: Oh, Alekzander. Thank goodness! Tell these no-good ruffians to unhand me!

Buttholio: AMETHYST IS ACTUALLY A LUMINELV!

Headmaster: And tell them to stop spoiling the entire season while you're at it!

Alek: Oh, I would, but you see... I'm not actually Alekzander.

Headmaster: Oh. Well then... never mind.

Alek: What? Is that all I'm gonna get after spoiling my identity?

Headmaster: That was a spoiler?

Alek: How... how DARE you?! That was EASILY as big a spoiler as THIS Broccing student could ever give you!

Buttholio: EMILY IS ACTUALLY THE DAUGHTER OF LORD AND LADY SUMMERSHIRE!

Headmaster Stormshroud’s eyes widen.

Headmaster: No! No more spoilers! I simply cannot handle it!

Alek: Aw, why can't you react in that way to MY spoilers?! I WANT A SURPRISING REACTION!

Headmaster: You want a what-now?

Alek: GAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!

***
Opening Credits

***

Scene 2: Hallway: Stormshroud Academy: Early Afternoon

Zed, Laura and Kendall head towards Headmaster Stormshroud’s office.

Zed: So... just how badly could those two be treating Headmaster Ukulele? I mean, it's not like they're spoiling the entire plot of the series, is it?

The gang hear him cry out and race inside. Alek has his arm outstretched, his hand glowing with blue energy and aimed at Headmaster Stormshroud, who is suspended in mid-air. Ned and Kel stand nearby, their faces lacking in expression.

Buttholio: BROCC'S PET CAT IS ACTUALLY-

Headmaster: NO! NO! NO, NO, NO, NO, NO!

Zed: Whoa... I never thought ANYONE could be so... so... chaotic neutral!

Kendall snarls at Alek.

Kendall: Rarrr? Ror arr roo rrrnr? Arr ry roo rrr rerr rorrirr ryrr rorrerrrrr?! (Master? What are you doing?! And why do you smell nothing like yourself?!)

Alek loses concentration, dropping Headmaster Stormshroud. Time seems to slow down as Laura throws a feather into the air.

Laura: “Generic Floaty Spell!”

Time seems to return to normal as Laura points her wand at Headmaster Stormshroud, who gently floats to the ground.

Headmaster: Oh... I KNEW that fifteenth chocolate biscuit was a mistake... *BORPP*

Alek slowly turns to face Kendall.

Alek: Oh, what an ADORABLE puppy! I wanna play with it and cuddle it and take it for walks and-

Kendall: Grr... RAFF! RAFF-RAFF!

Alek: Aw, so cwoote, it finks it's people!

Laura: Okay, just WHAT is going on, Master Stupi- I mean... Master Stormshroud?

Zed: Actually, I think it's pronounced, "Stupidsteve".

Alek: Well, Laura, what do you THINK is going on?

Laura: ...pardon?

Everybody stares at Alek.

Alek: Am I speaking in Koblish or something? What. Do. You. Think. Is-

Headmaster: Oh, for Brocc's SAKE! We ALL heard what you said, L-

Alek turns to face Headmaster Stormshroud.

Alek: “Generic Muting Spell!”

Headmaster Stormshroud loses the ability to speak.

Alek: We can't have my real identity being spoiled yet, now can we?

Buttholio: THIS IS ACTUALLY ALEKZANDER'S TWIN BROTHER, LILLIAN!

Kendall: RARR! ("GASP!")

Lillian: Aw, why did you have to go and spoil my real identity?! I WANTED TO DO IT!

Buttholio: THIS IDIOT'S REAL NAME IS ZANDER!

Lillian looks at Laura.

Lillian: No it isn't, it's Laura Goldenclaugh.

Laura: What?!

Buttholio: I WAS TALKING ABOUT THE GINGER FREAK IN THE DOORWAY!

Zed: Wait... there's a ginger freak in this doorway?

Lillian looks at Zed.

Lillian: He was talking about YOU, you freak!

Lillian continues to stare at Zed.

Lillian: Say, how would you like to help me spoil the entire plot of this series?

Zed: Uh… lolnope.

Zed races out the room.

Lillian: You can't run from me! I'll chase you across this entire universe if I must!

Buttholio: ZANDER'S ACTUALLY FROM A DIFFERENT UNIVERSE!

Lillian holds his hand in the air, enveloping Kendall and Laura in a blue light. Their eyes flash once, and their expressions disappear.

Lillian: Okay, everyone, time to catch the freak!

Thralls: Catch the freak…

Lillian and the thralls leave the room in pursuit of Zed …except Laura, who snaps out of Lillian's control.

Laura: Wait… why did Master Stormshroud remember my name...? Gasp! That must have been an imposter!

Laura’s eyes briefly glow with white light.

Laura: Oh! I must warn the REAL Master Stormshroud, despite not knowing where to find him!

Laura leaves the room and runs down a different hallway.

Scene 3: Temple of Marilina: Early Afternoon

Brocc stumbles into the temple, gasping for air.

Brocc: I... I... did I win...?

Priestess: Oh, welcome to the Temple of Marilina. Are you competing in the marathon?

Brocc: I... I... did I win...?

Priestess: Why, you most certainly have!

Emily: Oh, Brocc! How did you do?

Brocc: I... I... did I win...?

Emily: Shall I take him for his post-race physical?

Priestess: Of course, sister. By all means.

Emily and the priestess bow to each other. The priestess calmly walks away. Emily turns back to Brocc.

Emily: Okay, let's get you refreshed for the awards ceremony.

Bryn pokes her head around the corner.

Bryn: Is he back?

Emily: Yes, Bryn. I'm pleased to announce that Brocc has placed 1st in the Back Alley Marathon.

Bryn: Oh, for Brocc's sake... I bet 100 Axian Dollars AGAINST him! Thanks for nothing, Fartsnot!

Brocc: I... I... did I win?

Emily: Okay, Bryn, let's take you for your gender therapy session, even though you do not actually need it.

Bryn: I keep telling you, I DO. I really, really do...

Bryn disappears back around the corner.

Emily: I apologise, Brocc. You know what Bryn is like.

Emily bows and walks away.

Brocc: I... I... did I win?

Scene 4: The Arbour Beast Tavern: Mid Afternoon

Alek sits in a chair in the tavern drinking a mug of water. Two men at a nearby table talk amongst themselves.

Man #1: I am not unliterate.

Man #2: I am not unliterate.

Alek groans.

Alek: Since when do barbarians venture within taverns? For that matter, since when do they venture within CITIES?

The man looks at Alek.

Man #1: I am not unliterate!

Alek: A full scholarship? Well... my sincerest congratulations to you both.

Laura runs into the tavern and looks around. She spots Alek and runs up to him.

Laura: Master Stormshroud! An imposter of you is spoiling the entire plot of this series and remembering that I exist!

Alek: Who are you? Why should I trust-

Laura: Come ON! It's a miracle I happened to find you in the first place I looked.

Alek swallows the last mouthful and stands up. He faces the two men.

Alek: I wish you both well in your educational endeavours.

Alek and Laura run swiftly out of the tavern. The two men turn to face each other again.

Man #2: I am not unliterate.

Man #1: I am not unliterate.

The two men grunt and nod once, before taking a mouthful from their mugs.

Scene 5: Amethyst’s Quarters: Stormshroud Academy: Mid Afternoon

Amethyst sits in a chair reading a book. A frantic knock sounds through the door.

Amethyst: Oh, THERE'S my pizza!

The door suddenly swings open and Zed races inside, closing and locking the door behind him.

Amethyst: Oh... I mean... Sacre bleu! Zed! Is something the matter?

Zed: You have a tinge of disappointment in your-

Amethyst: Well, wouldn't YOU be disappointed if YOUR pizza was two days behind schedule?!

Zed: Wow, SOMEONE'S hangry, aren't they? Uh... no disrespect intended.

Amethyst: Sigh... it's quite alright. Now, what troubles you, Cher Apprenti?

Zed calms takes a deep breath, then exhales.

Zed: You know when people blurt out spoilers for no benevolent reason?

Amethyst: Of course. Mar- I mean... an old confidante of mine spoils things on a regular basis. Why do you ask?

Zed: Well-

The door suddenly bursts open, revealing Kendall, Ned and Kel.

Thralls (continuous): Catch the freak…

The thralls approach Zed. Zed starts to panic again.

Lillian’s Voice: Tag! You're it!

Lillian walks into the room.

Zed: Uh... I don't think that's how you're supposed to play it, Master Stupidsteve...

Lillian: Really? That's how the REAL Alek told me it was played... unless he simply didn't want to make physical contact with me... oh, I WANT HIM TO PLAY FAIRLY WITH ME!

Amethyst: Alekzander! What are you doing?!

Lillian: I'm not Alek! I'm his twin brother Lillian!

Amethyst: Don't be silly, Alekzander! You would never spoil such a big plot twist!

Lillian: But I'm DOING it right NOW!

Amethyst: I know my friend, and he would never perform such an atrocious act!

Lillian slowly shifts to a stern emotion.

Lillian: So you believe that Alekzander would never spoil the plot, yet you also believe that he would blatantly lie about spoiling it, despite the fact that spoilers and lies are equally atrocious?

Lillian starts pacing from side to side.

Lillian: But if that's the case, and I'm not the real Alek, then by spoiling the plot I am, in fact, telling the truth, which is doing something atrocious that is somehow honest, and thus not something an "evil" twin would do... aw, I DON'T WANT TO TELL THE TRUTH!

Amethyst: Well, if you're not Alekzander, then who are you?

Lillian: Would you believe his evil twin?

Amethyst: Oh, please. That is such a cliché.

Lillian stops pacing and stands facing Amethyst, carefully examining her.

Lillian: Clearly you need convincing. Buttholio?

Buttholio: AMETHYST IS ACTUALLY THE DAUGHTER OF A LUMINELV NOBLE!

Lillian: There! NOW do you believe me?

Amethyst: You... didn't exactly prove anything you stated about yourself.

Lillian: Aw... I WANT SOMEONE TO BELIEVE I'M ALEK'S EVIL TWIN!

Alek’s voice: Ah, Lillian, my evil twin!

A smile spreads across the imposter’s face.

Lillian: See? See? I TOLD you!

Lillian spins to face Alek and Laura.

Lillian: Alekzander! Tell them I'm your evil twin!

Alek: I'm your evil twin!

Lillian: No, I'M the evil twin!

Alek: No, I'M the evil twin!

Lillian: Will you just STOP COPYING ME?!

Alek: Will you just STOP COPYING ME?!

Amethyst: You cast generic mirror illusion spell, didn't you?

Lillian: N-No...

Alek: N-No...

Amethyst: "Generic dispel spell!"

"Alek" vanishes.

Amethyst: You were saying?

Lillian: Look, I really AM Alek's evil twin, alright?

Amethyst: Oh, Alekzander, give it up. You can't fool me!

The real Alek runs into the room.

Alek: Sorry, everyone. I got lost in the secret labyrinth underneath the sch-

Lillian: See? I TOLD you! NEENER NEENER NEE-NER!

Alek: Why must you always behave like such a childish brat?

Lillian: Aw... I AM NOT A CHILDISH BRAT!

The headmaster runs into the room.

Headmaster: Someone stop him! He keeps spoiling the best bits of the story!

The headmaster looks at everybody.

Headmaster: Why is everyone staring at me like that?

Alek: Who exactly are you?

Headmaster: Why, I am your grandfather, of course!

Alek stares blankly.

Alek: ...doesn't ring a bell, I'm afraid.

Zed looks at Laura. Laura looks back at Zed.

Zed’s thoughts: I wonder what kind of shampoo she uses…

Laura’s thoughts: It's an exotic blend of Kisetsuese cherry blossom and Archaelian fruits...

Zed's thoughts: Wait... you can hear my thoughts...?

Laura's thoughts: Apparently...

Zed's thoughts: Whoa... that's cool...

Brocc's voice: Oh boy, this feast is SO good... it's WAY better than-

Zed's thoughts: Brocc...?

Brocc's voice: Zed...? How did you get this number?!

Zed's thoughts: Number...?

Brocc's thoughts: Did Erik give you my number?!

Zed's thoughts: Erik who...?

Brocc's thoughts: Uh... spoilers, sweetie...

Buttholio: ERIK IS ACTUALLY THE-

Ned is knocked unconscious by a cardboard box.

Headmaster: No. More. Broccing. Spoilers. Please.

Amethyst: Aw... my pizza...

***
End Credits

***

Uh... should I keep going with this? It's better to let me know now than leave me to keep foolishly posting a spin-off that no-one likes and/or wants to read...

I want to read it! I also wanted to ask a question in the other topic, but the website wouldn't let me.

@Killeryoshii The thread was locked, heheh...

It's unlocked again, so posting should be possible now.

Episode 7: The Not-Quite Random Encounter, Part I

Scene 1: Campsite: Pre-Dawn

Zed tosses and turns on his multi-layered bedroll inside his tent. We hear a woman crying out in the background.

Voice: Zed!

Zed suddenly opens his eyes.

Zed: Steve!

Zed sits up, rubbing his eyes and groaning.

Zed: Ngh… stoopid muddvak cheese...

***
Zed exits his tent wearing his shirt, pants and boots. Mak sits on a fallen log next to the fire, poking it with a stick. He turns his head in Zed’s direction.

Mak: 'sup, dude?

Zed: I had another weird dream.

Mak: You DO realise that-

Zed: Yeah, yeah... I got enough of a lecture from Mr. Steve Newt...

Mak: Mr. Who?

Zed: Oh yeah... you haven't met him yet. Anyway, I was woken by someone calling out my name.

Mak: Oh... that was me.

Zed: Really?

Mak: Yeah. Apparently my voice changes in tone and accent when I call out someone's name.

Zed: Wow, what a positively abridged character trait.

Mak: Thanks. Oh, that reminds me... "Amethyst!"

Zed: Wow, you weren't kidding...

Amethyst emerges from her tent.

Amethyst: Oui?

Zed: I'll... leave you two alone.

Zed enters his tent. Amethyst sits to Mak’s right and looks at the sky in front of them. The horizon is lined with pink.

Amethyst: You don't think...?

Mak: Hey, that's extremely offensive! Just because I'm part-orc does NOT mean I have a severely diminished cognitive function!

A silhouette of a large bear watches the campsite through the trees.

Amethyst: I was merely wondering if Zed assumes us to be a couple...

Mak: What? How could he POSSIBLY-

Amethyst: I believe he assumes that "co-leaders of this expedition" is a euphemism for "going steady".

The bear’s eyes glow bright green, before it turns and disappears back into the woods, stepping on a twig as it does so. Amethyst is alerted to the noise and turns to face behind her.

Amethyst: Did you hear that?

Mak: Hear what?

Amethyst: I am certain I heard a noise.

Mak: It was probably that shady guy's bear companion spying on us again or something.

Amethyst: I am sure you are right, mon Cher.

Zed’s Voice: Um, Amethyst?

Amethyst: Yes, Zed?

Zed’s Voice: Can I come out now?

Amethyst: Of course, mon Cher.

Mak: Wait...

Mak turns to face Amethyst.

Mak: "Come out"...? Is Zed-

Amethyst: Actually, I believe he was enquiring if it is safe to exit his tent.

Mak: Oh. Someone should tell him that we're not a couple.

Amethyst: Yes. Yes, they should.

Mak: ...so ...?

Amethyst: So... what...?

Mak's thoughts: And people think I'M the absently-minded one... lousy, unfair stereotype...

***
Opening Credits

***
Scene 2: Woodland: Pre-Dawn

The bear walks up to Trent and Kara. It roars loudly. Trent speaks with an uncharacteristic level of emotion in his voice.

Trent: My bear bud has found a bunch of people camping nearby.

Kara speaks with an uncharacteristic shōjō protagonist-style voice.

Kara: Ah! This is so exciting! Maybe we can travel together.

Trent shakes his head.

Trent: You... DO remember what we're supposed to be doing, right?

Kara: Oh yeah... well, it's still gonna be fun!

***
A mysterious woman watches her lackeys through a mirror suspended in mid-air in front of her icy throne.

Woman: Yes, that’s right. Bide your time, and then strike. Soon, Amethyst, Mak and all their little friends will be mine. After all these years, I, the Sorceress of Winter, will at last have my revenge.

The Sorceress' voice suddenly shifts to a normal, sweeter tone.

Sorceress: Okay, how was that?

Voice: Perfect! Congratulations, you got the part.

Sorceress: Wonderful! I can't believe I passed the audition... this is the happiest moment of my life! Teehee!

Scene 3: En Route to the Next Town: Morning

The party walks along a path through an open woodland. Zed notices a group of five creatures nearby.

Zed: Whoa, what are those?

Amethyst: They are muddvaks, gentle herbivores who live in woodlands and open plains.

Zed: Whoa... so THAT'S where muddvak cheese comes from...

Amethyst: Well, it is from whence muddvak milk comes.

Zed: Muddvak... milk? Ew.

Mak: Yeah, and then that milk is turned into muddvak cheese.

Zed: Oh yeah... that actually makes sense...

Mak: And muddvak ice-cream.

Zed: Ooh, I DO like muddvak ice-cream...

Mak: And, of course, muddvak butter.

Zed pauses.

Zed: ...ew.

The smallest muddvak notices the adventurers and runs up to them. It stands almost as tall as Bryn and Brocc despite being a baby.

Brocc: Aw, it's so CUTE!

The baby muddvak makes squeaky noises. It lets out a roar which sounds more like a loud, extended squeal.

Brocc: Hahaha! It thinks Bryn is a... eh, never mind.

Bryn: What did it call me?

Brocc: You REALLY don't wanna know...

Bryn: Oh, it's that bad, is it? Well then… (mumbles)

Brocc: Pardon?

Bryn: I said, "No, YOU'RE whatever you just called me, you stoopid buttvak!"

Some of the party members gasp. Brocc bursts out laughing.

Brocc: It called you sweet, which is OBVIOUSLY incorrect!

Bryn: HEY!

Brocc: AAH! Don't eat me!

Bryn: Then don't call me "not sweet"!

Brocc: Only if you stop using delayed double-negatives!

Bryn: I'll give YOU a delayed double-negative!

Brocc: But... that's exactly what I told you NOT to do, sourpuss!

Bryn: HEY!

Brocc: AAH! Don't eat me!

Thobrun: Both of you, SHUT. UP.

Brocc: Mmf... fine.

Bryn: Fine… omnomno.

Brocc points at Bryn with his eyes wide open.

Brocc: Did you hear that?! Slander! Simply because I'm a gnome who eats ridiculous amounts of tasty edibles!

Amethyst: But is that not the officially classified species of your kind? And does your kind not have an extremely fast metabolism?

Brocc: Yeah? So?

Amethyst: So how is it slander if it is a biologically-recognised fact?

Brocc: Well... yeah, you got a point.

An adult muddvak notices the baby away from the herd and lets out a roar. The baby notices and runs back to the herd. Bryn lets out a big breath.

Bryn: Phew, I'm glad that was sorted with barely a green hair out of place.

Brocc points at Bryn with his eyes wide open.

Brocc: Oh, now THAT was obviously-

Suddenly, a big bear with light brown fur and dark brown stripes runs from the trees and faces the group.

Bryn: Oh, great...

Mak: Huh. Looks like I was right...

Bryn: Wait... what the Brocc are you talking about?!

Trent runs from the trees and joins the bear, standing and facing the party.

Trent: Yo, dudes!

Bryn: Who the Brocc are you?!

Kara lands silently behind the party, causing them to spin around.

Kara: Teehee! Hi!

Bryn: And just what the Brocc is happening right now?!

Brocc: Okay, is there a reason why my name is suddenly a cuss word?!

Bryn: Yes. It's because no-one can say *BLEEP* without it being censored!

Brocc points at Bryn with his eyes wide open.

Brocc: Oh! Did you HEAR what just came outta this Greatkin's mouth?!

Mak: One thing at a time, omnomno.

Kara: Heehee! You're SO funny!

Trent: Yeah! Can we come with?

Mak: Uh...

Kara: Pleeeeease? An opportunity to travel with the LEGENDARY Crystalbound?! I'd LOVE that!

Mak: In that case, we politely accept your invitation. I mean, it's not like you're leading us into a trap that will cause one of us to unintentionally roll a natural 1 on their fortitude save against a generic lightning spell, right?

Amethyst shudders.

Mak: What's wrong?

Amethyst: I felt an ominous wind channel right through my body.

Zed: Silly Amethyst! Wood elves can't learn Ominous Wind, it's a GHOST-type move! Silly Amethyst!

Mak: Welcome aboard!

Trent: Sweet potatoes! It's a date!

Brocc: But... sweet potatoes and dates are not even CLOSE to being the same thing...

Kara: Ooh, I LOVE sticky sweet po-date-o pudding with muddvak ice-cream!

Mak: Looks like this party is LITERALLY getting started!

Trent: Woo! PARTY TIME!

Trent fires a beam of green energy at Mak. Loud nightclub-style party music begins to play.

Mak: WHOA! I FEEL SUPER ENERGISED!

Trent: Druid, bro! I can literally shoot life energy into you!

Mak: I'M NEVER GONNA NEED COFFEE EVER AGAIN! WOO!

Emily: In that case, allow me to contribute!

Emily holds out her hand, releasing a glow of golden light.

Kara: Ooh, SUGOI desu yo...

Thobrun: All this glowing is causing my vision to go all funny...

Amethyst: Oh, try to enjoy yourself, Cher Thobrun.

Bryn: Yeah, Thobrun! Stop being such a stick-up-the-butt! Just brighten up, dude!

Brocc: HA! I get it!

Thobrun: But-

Mak: NO-ONE'S LISTENING, THOBRUN! WOO!

Thobrun's thoughts: I have a most uncomfortable sensation in relation to our current circumstance...

Scene 4: En Route to an Undisclosed Location: Late Morning

The party walks along a road through the open woodland, with Kara in front and Trent and the bear following behind.

Mak: HOO boy, that was a good party...

Bryn: Yup! It's nice to let loose and have some fun every once in a while.

Kara: You really showcased the legendary dancing capabilities of the Greatkin people, Bryn-senpai!

Bryn: Aw, shucks... you weren't so bad yourself, Kara.

Kara: Heehee! Senpai NOTICED me!

Mak: Yep! This is TOTES a good day, and not even a conspicuous cluster of orbs flung from those trees could spoil it.

Just then, four round objects fling from the trees, landing on the ground surrounding the party.

Mak: Me and my orcborn mouth…

Bryn: Oh, for Brocc's sake…

The objects burst open, releasing a thick mist into the air which engulfs the party. One by one, the party members pass out and collapse to the ground. As the mist dissipates, four individuals dressed in differently-coloured robes and breathers emerge from the trees and face the party. The dark-robed one speaks with an exaggerated, Darth Vader-esque voice.

Dark Robed Guy: So, my nemesis has sent her rebel spies to capture this eclectic troupe of innocent adventurers…

The green-robed one speaks with an overly-exaggerated C-3PO-esque voice.

Green Robed Guy: What are your orders, Master Herikios?

Dark Robed Guy: Retrieve the adventurers and bring them to Base Camp. We must not let my nemesis get her cold hands on them so early in the season.

Green Robed Guy: I assume you mean autumn?

Dark Robed Guy: Of course.

Green Robed Guy: What about the rebel spies?

Dark Robed Guy: Eh, just leave them there.

Green Robed Guy: But what if they discover our whereabouts?

Dark Robed Guy: We will cover our tracks so well that they will be unable to trace us.

Green Robed Guy: The odds of us being able to completely cover our tracks without being discovered by these rebel spies are approximately-

Dark Robed Guy: Never tell me the odds!

Green Robed Guy: Understood.

The dark-robed guy looks into the sky in a mysterious pose, sunlight glinting on his breather’s black lens.

Dark Robed Guy: Ooh, that cloud looks just like a cloud...

To be Continued...

***
Closing Credits

***

Episode 8: The Not-Quite Random Encounter, Part II

Scene 1: Campsite: Late Night

Zed stirs and opens his eyes. The dark robed guy stands over him, breathing heavily through his breather.

Zed (groggy): Are you my Steve...?

Dark Robed Guy: Steve...? I am no mere Steve, young Starmute.

Zed rubs his eyes.

Dark Robed Guy: Newt never told you about your mentor.

Zed suddenly regains his senses. A look of surprise appears on his face.

Zed: He told me enough. He told me he was a seahorse!

Dark Robed Guy: Yes... I... am your mentor.

Zed: No... no, that's not true... that's rimrossibrrrrr!

Dark Robed Guy: Search your mindscape. You know it to be true.

Zed: No... no...

The dark robed guy's breather lens glistens.

Zed: N... ooh, shiny!

***
Opening Credits

***
Scene 2: Woodland: Early Morning

Trent awakens and stands to his feet. Kara is meditating nearby.

Trent: Whoa... my head feels like we had another party immediately after the first.

Trent stumbles.

Kara: Teehee!

Trent: What's so fu-

Trent regains his senses.

Trent: Haa... that's better! Now, where were we...?

Kara: The same spot as now, silly!

Trent: Then... why is it so dark?

Kara: Because it's dawn! Aren't druids supposed to be "in tune with the natural order", or somesuch?

Trent: Yes... "the natural order"... I TOTES have one of those...

Kara's thoughts: Why do I travel with him again...?

Scene 3: Campsite: Morning

The Crystalbound stand facing Erik and the three multicoloured robed guys.

Erik: I am Herikios Woodhollow, aka the Kelpie. My friends call me Erik. Or Kelpie. Or "The Brocc is this guy?".

Brocc: What a wonderfully familiar name you have there... hint, hint.

Mak: Well, duh! That's your name, right?

Brocc: What? My name isn't "Erik"! You and your silly comments, Mak... hahaha!

Amethyst: It is trés magnifique to meet you, individual with whom I am personally unfamiliar... hint, hint.

Erik smiles.

Erik: Spoilers, sweetie. Anywho, these are my companions, Hop...

The red robed “guy” speaks with a voice similar to Blackarachnia's from Beast Wars.

Hop: Well, hellooooo, Crystimals.

Erik: …Skip…

The green robed guy speaks with the same C-3PO-inspired voice as the previous episode.

Skip: Hello. I am Skip-Trip-Pip-Oopsiedoo, Organism-Automaton Translations.

Erik: …and Jump.

The blue robed guy makes R2-D2-styled noises.

Jump: BEEP-BOOP-BEEP.

Skip: He says there are two smelly creatures and their adorable bear companion heading from the east.

Jump: BEEP-BOOP-BEEP.

Skip: He also asks, QUOTE: "Is everyone else hyped for The Twin Knights of Zoku II: Unliterate Barbarioo? I, for one, can't WAIT!" UNQUOTE.

Erik: He does speak quite a lot, doesn't he? Any questions?

Mak: I have one. Are they automatons?

Bryn: Yes. I mean, we're all thinking it, aren't we?

Zed's thoughts: Wait... what happened to Erik's face...? Where did his ooh, shiny go...?

Erik: A superb question indeed! Any other questions?

Mak: Yeah, I have a follow-up question: Why did you avoid my first question?

Erik: Yet another masterpiece of a question that proves that orc mental deficiency stereotypes are believed only by the truly dumbfounded.

Mak: Well... ah, shucks... heheh!

Erik: Now does anyone else have any questions?

Zed slightly raises his hand.

Zed: Um…I have a question.

Erik: I believe they are caused by a chemical known as "muddvakksterone", which is naturally found in vakbeast milk, and becomes more potent once turned into its edible form.

Zed: Oh... so THAT'S why they're always so weird... thanks!

Erik: You are most welcome, my young charge.

Zed's thoughts: "Wait... how did he know what I was going to ask him...?

Erik: I'll tell you during the clip show just prior to the season finale.

Zed: Sigh... fine...

Brocc: Heheh... yeah, you're right! He IS just like a little kih... uh... I mean... never mind.

Erik: Spoilers, sweetie.

Brocc: Okay, why are you ripping off Amethyst's catchphrase?!

Bryn: Sacre bleu! It was only twice, Brocc! Chill out!

Brocc: Now YOU'RE doing it!

Mak: Brocc, you sound just like a gnome who's complaining about people ripping off the catchphrases of other characters!

Brocc: Oh, you did NOT just cross the Sven line!

Thobrun: Ooh, that Sven... he makes my blood boil!

Brocc: NNGH! Okay, on the one hand, it's nice to see Abridged Thobrun's frustration directed at the correct character for once.

Zed: Uh... Sven isn't even IN this sea-

Brocc: But on the OTHER hand, he just ripped off MY catchphrase! So, I'm gonna rip off HIS! *clears throat*

Brocc flaps his elbows and makes chicken noises.

Brocc (continuous): Bwok! Bwok bwok bwok!

Bryn: What the Brocc? How is THAT a catchphrase?!

Mak: Brocc, SHUT UP! Bryn, I think that's the catchphrase of Blooper Reel Thobrun.

Bryn and Brocc calm down. Bryn responds with a tone of understanding, whereas Brocc's is one of disappointment.

Bryn and Brocc: Oh...

Erik: Ahem. Anyway, today we will be journeying through a non-descript dungeon.

Zed: Seriously? Sweet...

Mak: Do you have an information brochure?

Erik: Of course.

Erik hands his membership ID to Mak. Mak examines the card.

Mak: Hm… seems unlikely we'll encounter too much confrontation. Let's do it!

Erik: Alrighty then!

Mak hands the card back to Erik.

Brocc: Now, let us leave for…ADVENTURE!

Brocc performs a dramatic pose.

Bryn: Oh, brother…

Brocc: Do not even ALLUDE to that buttmunch!

Amethyst places her hands on her cheeks.

Amethyst: Sacré bleu! I just realised I forgot to check if my front door was locked when I left!

Emily: But that was fifty years ago, was it not?

Amethyst: You are correct, Cher Emily. There is no sense in worrying about it. I am sure any burglars have long since gone, and are thus untraceable by normal means.

Erik: Very well then, acquaintances, allies and Zander. Let's go!

Scene 4: Entrance to Giant Muddvak’s Cave: Late Morning

The combined party approaches the entrance to the cave.

Erik: Well, here we are.

Zed: Ooh, shiny…

Mak: Where? I don't see any-

Bryn: He's right. There are LOADS of shinies in the deepest, darkest part of the tunnel, where there is too little light for such treasures to actually shine in the first place.

Mak: How can you possibly-

Bryn: Rogue.

Mak: Oh... right...

Erik: The tunnel splits off into three paths partway into the cave. We will be able to cover more ground quickly if we split up into three groups. Group 1 will consist of-

Bryn: Blah, blah, blah. We all know how we split up from the official version. Now let's go gather the shinies already!

Mak: What about you and Zed?

Erik: Ah, we will take the above-ground path.

Amethyst: For what reason?

Erik: Spoilers, sweetie...

Mak frowns.

Mak: Aw, I WANTED TO TAKE THE SPECIAL PATH!

Bryn: Careful, Mak, or you'll irritate a certain omnomno...

Brocc's voice: HEY!

Bryn: NOW who's ripping off catchphrases, hm?

Brocc's voice: Sh... shut up...

Bryn: Heehee!

Erik: I promise we can take the special path next time, Makkmak.

Mak: No. I wanna do it now.

Erik: If you go through the cave today, I'll let you pick any toy you like at the toy shop.

Mak: Mmm... okay.

Mak and Erik lock hands and shake gently. Mak pulls Erik up to his face.

Mak: Even the cool action figures that combine into an even bigger action figure?

Erik: Of course!

Mak: Okay then.

Mak releases Erik, who stumbles backwards and regains his composure.

Erik: Well then, we will see you on the other side.

Amethyst: Oui, mon Cher. Bonne chance!

Zed: Bonne chance!

The party enters the cave.

Bryn: So... where are you from, Jump?

Jump: BEEP-BOOP-BEEP.

Skip: He says-

Bryn: But isn't that place just a myth...?

Mak: Bryn! You speak Binary?!

Bryn: Spoilers, sweetie... heehee!

Erik turns to face Zed.

Erik: Are you ready, Zander?

Zed: Ye.

Erik’s thoughts: Zed… I sense it… the potential within…

Erik and Zed walk left. The bear stands and watches them.

Bear's thoughts: Hyuh huh huh... this is gonna be easier than that time I broke into the purple one's house all those years ago... mmm... that bowl of breakfast cereal was JUST right...

The bear turns and follows the path back.

***
Closing Credits

***

So... how's everyone finding CoS Abridged?

Episode 9: The Fantasy-Equivalent Robots, Part I

Scene 1: Giant Muddvak’s Cave: Late Morning

The combined party makes its way through the tunnel, with the robed guys leading in front. A bat screeches and flies over Brocc’s head. He screams and flails his arms.

Brocc: AAH! AAH! AAH!

Amethyst: Relax, cher Brocc. It is gone.

Brocc: Huh? Oh, phew. That's been happening WAY too often since we set foot in here.

Bryn's voice: Oh, don't exaggerate, Broccolini! It'll give you wrinkles!

Brocc: That's where you're wrong, Brynanarama! It won't give me wrinkles, per se...

The party takes two steps. Another bat screeches and flies over Brocc’s head. He screams and flails his arms.

Brocc: AAH! AAH! AAH!

Mak: Brocc, calm down! It's gone!

Brocc: See what I mean?!

Bryn's voice: Fair point... phwoar, Makkmak! You need industrial strength deodorant, buddy! YEEK-A-DOODLE-DOO!

Mak: That's not me.

Bryn's voice: Oh. Oh! Oh...

Brocc: This is all your fault, you know!

Bryn's voice: How is that MY fault, dung-pantalon?!

Brocc: If you hadn't wasted all the bat repellent on yourself, I wouldn't be attacked every two steps!

Amethyst holds up her staff.

Amethyst: “Generic light spell!”

An orb of bright light appears in front of the party.

Brocc: Ooh, shiny...

Bryn's voice: There. Happy, catchphrase plagiarist?

Brocc: In general, yes.

Bryn's voice: Good. Shall we continue?

Mak: I recall a time when this party wasn't led by these two Puny Tunes...

Bryn's voice: HEY!

Mak: Oh, come on. You know I'm right!

Bryn's voice: Sh... shut up...

Brocc: NOW who's the catchphrase plagiarist, eh?

Bryn's voice: Still Erik.

Brocc: ...that's fair. And the bright side?

Zed's voice echoes through the tunnel.

Zed's voice: HA! I get it!

Brocc: This generic light spell will drive away those pesky bats, meaning no more random encounters!

The party takes two steps. A third bat, this time surrounded by a glittering sparkle, screeches and flies over Brocc’s head. He screams and flails his arms.

Brocc: AAH! AAH! AAH! Ooh, shiny...

Bryn's voice: Rip-off!

Brocc: I heard that, Br-

Yet another bat screeches and flies over Brocc’s head. He screams and flails his arms.

Brocc: AAH! AAH! AAH!

***
Opening Credits

***
Scene 2: Above Giant Muddvak’s Cave: Late Morning

Meanwhile...

Zed and Erik walk through the woodland on top of the cave.

Zed: …and so I jingled my keys in front of them until they stopped!

Erik: HAHAHAHAHA!

Zed: And then Thobrun said, "Oh, thank the Twelve Constellations suspended amidst the night sky for your ingenious stratagem, Zed!"

Erik: Wow, that impression of Abridged Thobrun was as flawless as a paladin's sense of honour.

Zed: HA! I get it!

Erik: As for your "ingenious stratagem", it was quick thinking on your part, though I'd expect nothing less from the-

Brocc's voice echoes through the area.

Brocc's voice: AAH! AAH! AAH!

Zed: That's the turd time that's happened this morning...

Erik stops walking and turns to face Zed, which prompts Zed to stop walking as well.

Erik: Hm...

Erik pauses.

Zed: Uh...?

Erik’s thoughts: He has already begun making fourth-wall breaching puns…

Erik: Let's go.

Zed: Okay then.

Erik and Zed continue walking.

Zed's thoughts: I am Zed Steve Starmute, the Legendary The!

Kara lands behind the duo.

Kara: Aha!

Brocc's voice: AAH! AAH! AAH!

Erik and Zed spin around.

Kara: Found you! Teehee!

Erik: Oh, for Furbendink's sake...

Trent and the bear approach Zed and Erik from behind.

Trent: Yo, what is UP, mah broskies?

Brocc's voice: AAH! AAH! AAH!

Zed gets a fright when he notices Trent.

Zed: Aw, you found us...

Erik draws his sword as he steps in front of Zed.

Erik: Now it's YOUR turn to hide!

Kara: Okay, but good luck finding us!

Trent: Yeah, where gonna hide wear you'll NEVER find us!

Kara leaps into the air, whereas Trent and the bear race away in a cloud of dust. A dialogue box appears.

Dialogue box: The wild Karaikou, Trentei and Bearcune fled!

Brocc's voice: AAH! AAH! AAH!

Erik: The grammar in that Trent character's speech was appalling, to say the least.

Zed: Aw, I should've used my Master Ball... still, this is but a challenge for The!

Erik: Oh, you like challenges, eh?

Zed: Well, yeah! I do cognition exercises every morning, to keep my mind in good health... though my body could use some exercise, too...

Erik gestures to his pouch.

Erik: In that case, let's exercise both at the same time. I hope your body AND mind are ready...

Brocc's voice: AAH! AAH! AAH!

Scene 3: Giant Muddvak's Cave: Late Morning

Meanwhile...

Gleams of different colours catch Bryn’s eye.

Bryn: Ooh, LOTS of twinklies!

Bryn walks up to the wall.

Bryn: LOTS of twinklies indeed!

Brocc's voice: Rip-off!

Bryn: I didn't say, "Ooh, shiny..." Buttmulch!

Zed's voice: HA! I get it!

Brocc: For the last time, I. Did. NOT. Soil. Myself.

Bryn: Coulda fooled my nose!

Amethyst: Sacré bleu! It has been fifty years since I last saw so many coloured minerals, when I bid my non-Luminelven citadel adieu, carrying only a box containing a multitude of coloured minerals!

Bryn: Yeah, yeah... we get the idea, "wood elf girl". Now if you'll 'scuse me, there's a particularly large ruby with my name on it.

Mak: Oh, don't exaggerate, Bugs Brynnie! How can a piece of raw corundum crystal that you've only just mined be marked with your name?

Bryn spots a particularly large ruby. She pulls out her dagger and carefully pops it out of the wall.

Bryn: Like THIS, Makkmak!

Bryn holds up the ruby, which has markings that vaguely resemble a word engraved in an elegant cursive font.

Brocc: What? That looks nothing LIKE your name!

Bryn: Of COURSE it's my name! What, you thought my name was STEVE all this time?! HAHAHAHAHA!

Emily: She is correct, Brocc.

Brocc: Uh, pfft... NO! Her name isn't Brynwon! It's Bryn!

Bryn: -won! BRYN. WON. Brynwon. My name... is Brynwon.

Brocc: So... it's Brynwon?

Bryn: Yes! Brynwon.

Brocc: Then why do people call you Bryn?

Bryn: Your name's Broccoli. Why do people call you Brocc?

Brocc: Because it's a nickna- ohhhhhhh...

Bryn: Yeah... see? Brynwon.

Brocc: Brynwon... yeah, I get it. Brynwon! May I call you Brynwon?

Bryn: May I call you Broccoli?

Brocc: I prefer Brocc. Or any of the countless funny names you devise.

Bryn: Then I prefer Bryn, Fart-Broccer.

Brocc: Okay, I won't call you Brynwon.

Bryn: Yes, please don't call me Brynwon.

Brocc: Okay.

Brocc holds up a pink cellphone with a silhouette of a broccoli stalk on the back.

Brocc: Shirley? Make a note: "Do NOT call my best friend Brynwon. Brynwon is not an option."

Brocc's phone: Note recorded: "Donut calamari brisket Brynwon. Brynwon iced nougat oxtail."

Brocc: Eh... close enough. Thanks, Shirley.

Brocc's phone: I am here to serve. Bon appetit.

Brocc: Well, you heard the Greatkin: no-one call her Brynwon.

Emily: We will not call her Brynwon.

Bryn: Thank you, all, for not calling me Brynwon.

Amethyst: You are most welcome. If you wish us to not call you Brynwon, then call you Brynwon we shall not.

Thobrun: 'tis a wonderful name, however... Brynwon...

Bryn: Thobrun? You like the name Brynwon?

Thobrun: Of course! My favourite great aunt is named Brynwon.

Bryn: Wow, I thought I was the only one with the name Brynwon!

The three robed guys talk to each other.

Hop: So, this name appears to be popular. Perhaps I shall claim it as my own...

Jump: BEEP-BOOP-BEEP.

Skip: He says, quote: "Brynwon... Brynwon... Brynwon... Brynwon... Brynwon..."

Thobrun: Wait... no, actually her name is Senga. Brynwon is the name of her pet rabbit.

Brocc snickers.

Bryn: Shut up, cabbage-fart!

Skip: "...Brynwon... Brynwon... Brynw-"

Scene 4: Above Giant Muddvak's Cave: Late Morning

Meanwhile...

Zed: Uh... run that by me one more time...?

Erik: Very well. I reach into my pouch and pull out one of my knockout orbs. We then don our breathers as quickly as possible before we succumb to the gas and pass out.

Zed: You mean like that one wrestler's finishing move?

Erik: Yes, just like the Great Buttholio's HEH HEH FART KNOCKOUT manoeuvre.

Zed: HA! I get it!

Erik: Then you cast a generic superspeed spell and we'll dash in the direction of No-Cake Glade.

Erik gestures to his pouch. Zed nods and reaches into his pack.

Erik: Now, precise timing is key, so let's take the opportunity to mentally prepare for-THINK FAST!!

Quick as a flash, Erik pulls out an orb and slams it into the ground with one hand and pushes his breather to his face with the other, just as Zed pulls out his own breather and puts it on.

Erik: HAHAHA!

Erik and Zed run out of the mist cloud.

Zed: Mmm, mm hmmm! ("Hey, no fair!")

Erik pulls his breather away from his face. Zed pulls his wand from his belt and holds it up.

Zed: “Mm-mm-mmm Hm-mmm-mmmmm Hmmmm!” ("Generic Superspeed Spell!")

Zed and Erik suddenly run very swiftly.

Zed: M Mmm-m'm mmm-mm! ("I wasn't ready!")

Erik: That's the point, Zander! To keep us on our toes, ready for any challenge!

Zed: Mm, m-hmm! ("Oh, okay!")

Erik and Zed stop running. Zed removes his breather and puts it in his pack. Erik clips his breather to his belt.

Erik: That was exhilarating, a key moment of our lives to be sure.

Zed: Mmm hmmm mm! ("You said it!")

Erik: Uh... you don't need to talk like that now.

Zed: Hm? Oh, right... still, I think some spiritual exercise couldn't hurt, in order to strengthen our Ki.

Erik: A strong Ki DOES allow for stronger Chi... wait... I may have dropped my keys back there...

Zed: Not me. I gave my keys to Brocc for safekeeping, just in case I dropped them out here.

Erik: You really do have a keen sense of problem solving, Zander. That is key to development as a key figure of this series.

Zed: You mean a main key-ara-key-ter?

Erik: Indeed. I wrote a song about it, which I performed on my contemporary instrument of choice: the theremin.

Zed: Oh... for a second there I thought you were gonna say "keytar".

A loud buzzing draws closer, and three large, winged creatures approach Zed and Erik.

Zed: WOW! I'm gonna call that one Steve, and that one Other Steve, and that one Broccoli Jr.

Erik: Oh no, cakeflies, mischievous fae who are attracted by two things: cake and keys!

Zed: Oh no! We said "key"... a lot!

Erik: Then they may render us unconscious and steal our keys. Thankfully, they won't do much worse than that unless one of us has a baked dessert product such as a cake.

Zed: Uh-oh.

Erik: PLEASE tell me you don't have a cake in your bag...

Zed: I don't have a cake in my bag.

Erik: Oh, that's a relief.

Zed: It's a keylime pie.

Erik: ...oh, for the LOVE of-

The three cakeflies screech and zoom towards Zed and Erik.

Scene 5: Giant Muddvak’s Cave: Early Afternoon

Meanwhile...

The party approaches the fork in the cave.

Mak: Okay, here's the fork. It's time to split the party.

Bryn: Uh... but doesn't the Adventurer's League handbook clearly state to NEVER split the-

Mak: That was the fourth printed edition, Bryn. The current edition no longer lists that guideline.

Bryn: Well, yeah, but-

Mak: Ready, everyone?

Emily: Of course!

Bryn: I just think that we should-

Emily and Thobrun each pull a golden-coloured rod from their packs. They twist the rods through the middle, and they glow brightly, illuminating the immediate area.

Mak: Okay, which way do you all want to go?

Bryn: This is CLEARLY a tra-

Brocc: Alright, Bryn! We get the idea!

Thobrun: Brocc would like to go right. That is as good a route as any.

Brocc: What? No, I wanna go le-

Mak: In that case, Ems and I will go left.

Brocc: In that case, I choose mid-

Mak: Are you and Bryn cool with the middle tunnel?

Amethyst: Oui, cher Makkmak.

Brocc: Aw...

The party separates and begins walking through their respective branches. Mak and Emily begin talking.

Mak: Well, looks like it’s just you and me, Ems.

Emily: What about Jump?

Jump: BEEP-BOOP-BEEP?

Mak: Oh, right. Sorry, Jump!

Jump: BEEP-BOOP-BEEP!

Emily giggles.

***
We cut to a view of Hop's breather-covered face.

Hop: I sure hope Skippy the Bush Protocol Droid and May the Jump Force have broken free of their glitches. I don't want to have to debug them this time...

***
We cut to a view of Skip's breather-covered face.

Skip: "...Brynwon... Brynwon... Brynwon... Br-Br-Brynwon..."

Skip's voice changes to a monotone style.

Skip: THE CRYSTALBOUND WILL BE UPGRADED.

***
We cut to a view of Jump's breather-covered face.

Jump: BEEP-BOOP-BEEP.

*BZZT*

Jump's voice changes to one similar to Waspinator's from Beast Wars.

Jump: Nrr... Jumpzzzpinator under attack! Jumpzzzpinator engage enemy! Jumpzzzpinator... TERRORIZZZE!

Jump trips over and falls to the floor.

Mak: Oop, careful there, Jump.

Emily giggles.

Jump: Nrr...

To be Continued...

***
Closing Credits

***

The abridged series continues to impress! Nice work @BlueRangerJack.

New ep in 3... 2... 1...

Episode 10: The Fantasy-Equivalent Robots, Part II

Scene 1: Giant Muddvak's Cave: Early Afternoon

Emily, Mak and Jump enter a section of tunnel which glows with bluish bioluminescence.

Emily: Ah, sugoi…

Mak: Not as sugoi as-

Mak suddenly farts.

Mak: Uh!

Mak suddenly turns his head away.

Emily: Hm? Was that a fartcrawler?

Mak: Oh, uh... could be. I mean, they're not IMpossible to find outside Coppelia...

Mak blushes and smiles.

***
Meanwhile...

Amethyst, Bryn and Skip proceed down a section of tunnel covered in pungent, greenish-brown slime. Bryn pinches her nose.

Bryn (nasally): Pwoh! Are there fartcrawlers in this tunnel?!

Amethyst: Well, it is certainly possible for fartcrawlers to exist outside their native Coppelia...

Bryn unpinches her nose.

Bryn: Can’t you use your wizardly magic to cover up this overwhelming stench of fresh flatus that would put even BROCC to shame?!

Brocc's voice echoes through the tunnel.

Brocc's voice: HEY! I take offence to that remark!

Amethyst: I suppose I could cast a generic eau de toilette spell...

Bryn: Uh-uh! No WAY am I gonna put up with the smell of toilet water! There are WAY too many references to toilets as it is, right, Zed?

Bryn pauses.

Amethyst: But... Zed is not-

Bryn: Give it a sec... 3... 2... and-

Zed's voice: HA! I get it!

Bryn: See? Even Captain Toilet Humour agrees.

Skip: YOU WILL BE UPGRADED.

Bryn: ...what?

Skip switches back to his original voice.

Skip: The purpose of a generic eau de toilette spell is to provide a low-level scent, although I calculate the percentage of coverage to be 87.32 at best. Thus, I recommend that Master Amethyst upgrade her choice to a medium-level generic eau de parfum spell.

Amethyst: Trés wise, cher Skip-Trip-Pip-Oopsiedoo.

Skip: I am here to provide assistance.

Amethyst holds up her staff. The gem at the end glows with purple light, and the scent of the slime changes.

Amethyst: There. I have covered up the odour.

Bryn sniffs the air.

Bryn: Smells like… is that Angusteventhalliusimmonatticusius for Men?!

Amethyst: Oh, do you not like the scent I chose?

Bryn: Well, a certain green-haired gnome sprays each *FART* armpit with half a *FART* bottle of the stuff every two *FART* hours. Need I say more?

Amethyst: That will not be *FART* necessary, cher *FART*.

Bryn: Thank you, Ame*FART*. Wait...

Bryn begins to scratch herself, causing multiple fart sounds to occur.

Amethyst: What is the *FART*tter, Bryn?

Bryn: I'm COVERED in *FART*crawlers! Oh, for Brocc's *FART*!!

Brocc's voice: HAHAHAHAHA!

Bryn: Dang it, Brocc! *FART* Oh, this is not my *FART*...

***
Opening Credits

***
Meanwhile...

Thobrun and Brocc make their way down a tunnel lined with gold nuggets. Brocc laughs and screams excitedly as he plucks nuggets and puts them into his pack.

Brocc: I've never SEEN so much gold, and I once visited a city that was entirely gold-plated!

Thobrun: Well, it sounds as lacklustre as the idea of someone with more than thirty names, at least three of which are the same variant of Steve.

Brocc: HEY! I take offence to that remark!

Thobrun: ...for what reason?

Brocc: Uh... never mind...

Hop’s thoughts: Hm... looks like it's time to commence Operation: Seahorse...

Brocc: I mean, it's not like our dungeon delve is about to be interrupted by a seductive, venomous femme fatale, is it?

Hop suddenly stops and turns around to face Thobrun and Brocc.

Zed's voice: HA! I get it!

Thobrun: Wait... what-

Hop: Hoparanea... TERRORIZZZE!

A sword made of glowing red crystal suddenly flashes into Hop’s left hand.

Brocc: Me and my orcborn mouth...

Thobrun: Alright, now you're DELIBERATELY forcing the whole "catchplagiarism" subplot in an attempt to make it a running gag.

Brocc: "Catchplagiarism", eh...? I like it!

Thobrun: Sigh... what you just said is NOT Mak's catchphrase. In fact, it isn't even a catchphrase. Period. It is merely a throwaway line spoken only once by Mak in this parodious abridgement.

Brocc: What is?

Thobrun: "Me and my orcborn mouth..."

Brocc: Silly Thobrun! You're not an orcborn, you're a HILL DWARF! Silly Thobrun, HAHAHAHAHA!

Thobrun: Now you're ripping off catchphrases from characters in OTHER, significantly more OBSCURE things the author has written!

Brocc: Thobrun, buddy? Bigger picture: the thinly-veiled expy of a fan favourite character from that amazing robot animal series and its sequel who is brandishing a big corundum sword in our direction.

Thobrun: Sigh... I should just stop trying to keep you on a proverbial leash...

Brocc: Good idea, 'cause I could just pretty much beam myself to a different universe if you tried...

Thobrun: ...what?

Erik's voice: Spoilers, sweetie!

Brocc: There, an in-universe character ripped off an actual catchphrase from a different in-universe character. Satisfied?

Thobrun: Sigh... that's our Brocc...

***
Meanwhile...

Skip suddenly stops and turns to face Amethyst and Bryn.

Amethyst: Sacre bleu!

Bryn: Oh, *FART*…

A sword made of glowing green crystal suddenly flashes into Skip’s right hand.

Bryn: For *FART*'s sake! I mean, what's *FART* next? An otherworldly *FART* accidentally shooting me in the *FART* arm with a crossbow bolt forged from an otherworldly *FART* alloy when she was aiming for the REAL *FART* baddie? Who is ALSO *FART* otherworldly?

Erik's voice: Spoilers, sweetie!

Bryn: Wow, nice *FART* Erik impression, Amethyst! How did you do the echoey, cave-wall distortion? It could come in *FART* handy... okay, STARTING to get annoyed with these *FART* fartcrawlers now...

Amethyst: Um... I did not-

Skip: THE CRYSTALBOUND WILL BE UPGRADED.

Bryn: So Skip, the Green Ranger, is actually a *FART* Cyberman... fan-*FART*-tastic...

Amethyst: The green, plant-based creatures from the adaptation of Journey to the West 2: Vegetic Majinaboo?, created by Mr. Birdmountain?

Bryn: No, the artificially augmented *FART* from the series about the *FART* who lives in a *FART* box and usually travels with a *FART* companion.

Amethyst: ...Punch and Judy?

Bryn: Okay, have you EVER watched ANY *FART* OTHER than anime and puppet shows?

Amethyst: My people do not partake in live action recordings, as it feels trés unnatural and scripted. Stage theatre, opera and animé are crafted with a degree of artistry that is quite literally the essence of our culture.

Bryn: That explains so much, and yet so *FART* little at the same time... well then, I suppose you've never even heard of *FART* tokusatsu.

Amethyst: Toku... oh, you mean the trés adorable virtual pets from beyond the Twelve Stars that were popular two decades ago!

Bryn: Sigh... and people call ME uncultured...

***
Meanwhile...

Mak's thoughts: Okay, Mak... just tell her the truth...

Mak: Ems… I… I'm the one who-

Jump suddenly stops and turns to face Mak and Emily. Mak suddenly farts.

Mak: Uh!

Emily: Another fartcrawler! This cave must be swarming with them!

Jump: Nrrrrrrr... yes... SWARMING all over one of your own, nyrrhrrhrr!

Zed's voice: HA! I get it!

A small sword made of glowing blue crystal suddenly flashes into each of Jump’s hands. Mak lets out a tremendous fart. His eyes suddenly widen.

Emily: Hm... that was a little TOO loud and pungent to have been a-

Mak: Look, I fart when I'm nervous, okay?!

Everyone pauses.

Emily: ...hm?

Mak makes a tiny fart.

***
Meanwhile...

Zed and Erik arrive at another cave entrance. Zed has the word "STUPIDSTAR" scrawled on his forehead in black ink, whereas Erik's face is a comical, Jigglypuff's revenge-inspired mess. Erik beckons Zed to enter.

Erik: After you... "Stupidstar".

Zed softly responds in a similar voice to Patrick Star.

Zed: I am NOT a stupid star...

Zed enters the cave. Erik pulls his sword from its hilt. Zed turns around to face Erik.

Zed: What the *FART* are you doing?

Erik: I need to do something about the *FART* fartcrawler nest on the roof of this tunnel...

Zed: Huh... it's *FART* weird to see so many *FART*crawlers all the way out here...

Erik: Just hold *FART* still while I-

Erik approaches Zed. We cut to a view outside, where we hear the loudest imaginable fart sound rumble through.

Brocc's voice: HEY! I take offence to that remark!

Erik raises his sword in the air over Zed, who stands bowing his head.

Zed's thoughts: Whoa... were my feet ALWAYS this huge...? Is this why my neighbours always call me "Bigfoot"...? Not because I look like a sasquatch, but because I LITERALLY have such big...?!

Erik sheathes his sword. Zed lifts his head.

Zed: HA! I get it!

Erik: Get what?

Zed: Uh... never mind...

Erik: Well, the fartcrawlers have fled to the tunnel directly beneath us, so we should face no annoyances between here and the chamber with the dungeon boss.

Zed: Noice! But... what about the party members in that particular tunnel...?

Erik and Zed proceed into the cave.

Brocc's voice: HAHAHAHAHA!

Bryn's voice: Dang it, Brocc!

***
Meanwhile...

Skip stands motionless facing Amethyst and Bryn, his sword pointed towards them.

Bryn: Why is he *FART* standing there shouting-

Skip: THE CRYSTALBOUND WILL BE UPGRADED.

Amethyst: I know not.

Bryn: Hm... automatons lack *FART* emotion... which *FART* means there may be a *FART* way for us to use our ability to *FART* feel things as a way to control-alt-delete our *FART* way past Android 16 over here.

Bryn takes a step forward.

Bryn: Listen, Skip-

Skip: AAAAAAAAH!

Skip turns and runs in the opposite direction.

Bryn: Well... that was *FART* easy.

Amethyst: Come, cher Bryn. We may proceed.

Amethyst begins chasing after Skip.

Bryn: Sacre bleu! Wait *FART* me, Cheetah McSprinty!

Bryn follows closely behind, a fart sound heard with each footstep.

Bryn: Lousy fartcrawlers...

***
Meanwhile...

Erik and Zed descend down a gently-sloping ramp into a great hall carved from pale grey rock. In the centre of the room is a wide, circular platform, and atop the platform is a gigantic muddvak made from solid gold.

Zed: Ooh, shiny…

Erik: Rerry rhiny!

Zed: Is that the boss?

Erik: Of course not. It's an inanimate object.

Zed: So are your companions. Wait... nope, Hop is running this way. And... now is Skip. And Jump.

Erik: How can you POSSIBLY-

Zed: I NEVER not notice an ooh, shiny...

Zed approaches the statue. As he does so, his crystal begins to glow brightly.

Zed: My plot device is glowing!

Erik: Then the legend is true…

Zed: What legend?

Erik: Archaeologists have theorised that this statue may, in fact, be... a novelty wireless charger.

Zed: Seriously? Ooh, shiny AND ooh, useful...

Erik: I look forward to sharing this information with the archaeological commu-

Zed: Wait... what is THAT?!

Suddenly, Hop, Skip and Jump approach Zed and Erik, their weapons drawn.

Skip: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

Hop, Skip and Jump stop walking just short of Zed and Erik.

Skip: DANGER! DANGER! BRYNWON! BRYNWON! BRYNWON!

Erik: Sigh... Skip is glitching again...

Hop: Hey, I would've fixed him, but... well, let's just say that walls are a real barrier.

Skip: BRYNWON! BRYNWON!

Erik: Well, can't you fix him now?!

Jump: Nrrrrr... Jumpzzzpinator will fixzzz Cyberbot! Jumpzzzpinator reach Cyberpuberty! Jumpzzzpinator pretty much grown-up at thizzz point!

Bryn’s voice: Okay, will SOMEONE tell us what the *FART* is going on here?!

The other party members approach the three automatons.

Skip: BRYNWON! BRYNWON! BRYNWON!

Brocc: Yeah! The only thing preventing Skip's recital of the name Brynwon from being annoying is the fact that he's wearing my favourite colour!

Bryn: Wait... so you would find me less *FART* annoying if I chose to wear *FART* green?

Brocc: Not my point, but yes.

Bryn’s thoughts: Well then, I'll save that plan for later… oh… I have a weird feeling in my- *FART*

Jump: Nrr... Jumpzzzpinator knock the Broccing Brynwonzzz out of Cyberbot!

The others draw their weapons.

Mak: Mind if we help?

Skip: BRYNWON! BRYNWON!

Emily: It is becoming bothersome!

Brocc: Hey! Can't we choose a less violent approach?!

Bryn: You're only *FART* saying that because you have a *FART* bias for anything green!

Brocc: So?! I mean... No! I mean-

Hop: Ugh... this is getting EXTREMELY tedious... SOMEONE do SOMETHING!

A bead of sweat appears on Brocc’s brow.

Brocc: NO! There must be another way!

The automatons approach the party. The party members ready their weapons. Erik sighs.

Erik: Well... we could turn him off and on agai-

Kara suddenly leaps over to Skip, hitting him with her quarterstaff.

Skip: BRYNWON! BRYN...won...

A tune reminiscent of a PC shutdown melody plays. Skip collapses to the ground.

Kara: Teehee! Did I help?

Trent: WOO! Party time!

Trent fires the green energy beam at Hop, who yells out loud.

Hop: I've never FELT so ENERGISED! WOO!

Hop collapses to the ground.

Zed: Are they okay?

Erik examines Hop and Skip.

Erik: Skip is knocked out, whereas Hop is in the automaton equivalent of a food coma.

Emily: But food comas are a myth, are they not?

Erik: So are elves, and yet there is one standing just there.

Amethyst: He isn't INaccurate...

Jump looks at Hop, then at Skip. He drops his swords, and his voice gradually shifts to one reminiscent of Cheetor's.

Jump: Nrr... Jumpzzzpinator... breaking free of pubercocoon... descending... ascending... rising... sweet sixteen-bit processor locking into place... Jumptor... MAXIMISE!

Jump rips off his cloak and breather, revealing an automaton constructed from a blue metal alloy.

Jump: I... have become... A YOUNG ADULT!

Trent: Then this party is now officially a BIRTHDAY PARTY! WOO!

Kara: Ah, Tanjōbi Omedetō!

The bodies of Hop and Skip begin to glow, and glowing orbs of light emerge from them, floating upward. Erik looks up at the ceiling as the entire chamber becomes an impromptu nightclub.

Erik: Hop and Skip's party modes have activated.

Erik looks over at Jump.

Erik: Happy Birthday, Jump.

Jump: This party's just getting started! WOOHOO!

Zed: I wonder if there'll ever be a birthday party just for me...

Erik turns to face Zed, placing his right hand on Zed’s left shoulder.

Erik: Open your mind and you will see a birthday party waits for thee.

Zed smiles.

Zed: Noice.

Zed's thoughts: I knew it... I really AM Thee... I mean... "The"... I mean... what do I mean...?

Trent: Oh, by the way... Bryn-dude?

Bryn: You're not INaccurate...

Trent: I have a potion that'll clear up your obvious fartcrawler infestation.

Brocc: Wait... Bryn is infested with-

Bryn: Shut up, Green Greens! Sure, I'll use your potion without *FART* considering the ramifications of my *FART* reckless decision.

Trent: Sweet! Oh, but you need to use it in the shower.

Bryn: Why don't I *FART* drink it right here?

Trent: Because it's a POTION! It's supposed to be applied directly to the body, with warm water as the catalyst that makes it work.

Bryn: Uh... perchance, do you mean, "lotion"...?

Trent: Oh... if a potion is the one you're supposed to drink, and a lotion is the one you're supposed to apply, then... probably?

Kara: He isn't good with homonyms, teehee!

Trent: Wait... then what's the one that smells like bath salts and looks like an aquarium, but is WAY bigger than both?

Bryn: That's the ocean.

Trent: Okay, okay... and the process of a big, steam-powered metal thing moving across planks of wood?

Bryn: Locomotion.

Trent: Right, right... and the place that this series is posted in?

Bryn: Uh... the Internet? *FART*

Trent: Oh... neat! Thanks!

Bryn: Don't *FART* mention it.

Brocc: Wow... I thought for SURE she was gonna say, "Foru-"

*FART*

Brocc: Yeah, you better use that lotion, pronto.

Scene 2: The Shifty Ferret Tavern: Early Evening

Zed walks down the hallway to the men’s bathroom wearing his shirt, pants and boots. He is carrying a towel. Mak approaches him.

Zed: Have you seen Bryn?

Mak: Yeah, she's in the bathroom using the lotion Trent gave her. You gotta love that guy...

Zed: Ye... anyway, I'm-a take a shower.

Zed enters the bathroom. A shower in one of the cubicles is running.

Bryn's voice: (mumbles) Looks like this "Internet" did more than clear up my-

Zed: Bryn? I need to talk to you. It's... kind of important.

Bryn's voice: Uh, now’s not a good time.

Zed: Don't be silly! There's always time for familiar faces!

The door to the cubicle opens slightly, and a dark-haired female Kindred pokes her face around the door. Her shoulder-length hair is wet. She speaks with Bryn's voice.

"Bryn": Seriously, get out!

A look of surprise appears on Zed's face.

Zed: RAYRER RAYRER! ("STRANGER DANGER!")

***
Closing Credits

***

...and that's a wrap on the first volume! The next episode, which is entitled "The Big City Spoiler Montage", is officially classified as the first ep of volume two (well, as a gap-bridging... thing anyway), so I hope you're looking forward to it.

Also, for those of you who are unable to open spoiler tags, I have removed them from this "syndication" of Crystals Abridged, so you can now enjoy the adventures of Zed Steve Starmute and the Plot Devicebound to your heart's content!

"Steve you next time!"

Awesome series! I hope you continue these regularly scheduled updates!

Olumevay Ootay has ownay ommencedcay! (“Volume Two has now commenced!”)

https://www.wiiwarewave.com/t5863-crystals-of-silveria-abridged-vol-ii-a-meta-parody-thing-by-the-author