Crystals of Silveria Super-Shorts - by GamerZack87

Mak walks into an armoury, a sword in his hand. He approaches the counter, and the cashier smiles.

Mak: I need a new longsword. As you can see, my old one-

Mak holds up his sword, revealing his blade to be covered in who-knows-what.

Mak: -has seen better days.

The cashier speaks in a concerned tone.

Cashier: Oh my, that is no good. That looks like...is that honey?

Mak: Tree sap, actually. We were ambushed by an arbour beast...a BIG one.

Cashier: Oh dear. Was anyone hurt?

Mak: Just one-

**********

Brocc sits in the Temple of Marilina, with Emily kneeling beside him.

Emily: Show me where it hurts.

Brocc points down.

Brocc: Well, riding that arbour beast's back really dug into my-

Emily's face suddenly turns to panic mode as she realises the extent of the situation.

**********

Mak: -but he'll be fine. Our party healer's treating him as we speak.

Cashier: Uh-huh...uh-huh...uh-huh...

Mak: Um, I'm done.

Cashier: Oh, sorry, I wasn't listening. Now, how can I help?

Mak: Um...I need a new sword...?

Cashier: Yes? And?

Mak: And...you sell swords. You are an armoury, yes?

Cashier: Oh, by the Twelve Stars, no! We're a bakery.

Mak looks around and sees breads and cakes everywhere.

Cashier: So unless you want a baton of bread, you'll want to go next door.

The cashier points to his left. Mak sheepishly backs out of the shop.

**********

Mak leaves the shop and bumps into Zed, who is leaving the armoury.

Mak: Looking for cake?

Zed: Yep.

Mak: In there.

Mak points to the bakery door. Both Mak and Zed walk into the correct shops.

Amethyst studies an ancient tome by candlelight. A knock sounds on the door.

Amethyst: Enter.

The door opens and Zed walks in.

Zed: I'm not interrupting, am I?

Amethyst: No, of course not. Do sit down.

Zed sits in a chair. He notices the candle.

Zed: Vous avez lu la chandelle? (You read by candlelight?)

Amethyst: I prefer it. Artificial lighting just feels too unnatural.

Amethyst smiles.

Amethyst: And I must say that your Lumidelv is becoming much more fluent.

Zed: Arigatou. Multo aestimantur. (Thank you. Much appreciated.)

Amethyst: You do realise that speaking every language you know does not make you sound any more intelligent, do you not?

Zed: Det er problemet... (That's the problem...)

Amethyst: Problem?

Zed: Mae pob brawddeg yn ei ddweud yw mewn iaith wahanol. (Every sentence I say is in a different language.)

Amethyst: Oh, my goodness! How did this happen?!

Zed: Jag vet inte... (I don't know...)

**********

Mak: Come again?

Amethyst: It is true. So far he has said things in Ryukoni, Axian, Dwarvish, Halfling, Gnomish, Orcish and all three dialects of Elvish. The problem is that the language is randomly-determined each time. Every once in a while, he manages to utter something in Common.

Zed: Spero che non è permanente. (I hope it isn't permanent...)

Thobrun: Aye, that's Elvish, alright.

Zed: *incomprehensible reptilian sound* (Wait, maybe it was that potion that Gazzo gave me...)

Bryn: Is...Is he...speaking fluent Koblish?!

Amethyst: Indeed.

Gazzo: Well, I have no idea what coulda caused this one.

Gazzo whistles as he kicks the potion bottle out of sight.

Amethyst: Well, we just have to hope it wears off eventually. I am afraid that there is nothing I can do.

Zed: Oh , esto va a ser un día largo! (Oh, this is going to be a LONG day!)

Trent, the bear and Kara walk along a road. Trent stops to pick up some dirt. He sniffs it, then lets out a sneeze so loud and booming that a flock of birds flies out of a nearby forest.

Trent: Dey are nod doo bar away. (sniffs)

Kara: Good, then we can finally get them and take them to our Mistress.

Trent: We must not fail, Kara.

Kara: We will not, Trent-kun.

**********

Trent and Kara continue to traverse the road, the bear following closely behind. They stop when they come to a ruined, vine-covered wall.

Trent: (whispers) Are they behind this wall?

Kara: (whispers) I will check.

Kara holds out her palm at Trent, and he steps back. Kara silently approaches the wall and puts her back against it. She slowly peeks around, and a smile spreads across her face. She leaps into view.

Kara: At last, you have been found. Our Mistress will be most pleased indeed.

**********

Trent and Kara approach the throne of the Sorceress of Winter. Trent's hands are folded behind his back.

Sorceress: Did you locate them?

Kara: We did, Mistress-senpai. We brought back each and every one.

Sorceress: And?

Kara: I will let the results speak for themselves.

Trent steps forward and swings his hands from behind his back, revealing a freshly-baked pumpkin pie.

Sorceress: Excellent. Then dessert is served.

**********

The party sits around a campfire.

Mak: Huh.

Emily: What is it, Makkmak?

Mak: I thought for sure we'd be attacked by those two losers today.

Amethyst: Perhaps they had other priorities.

Mak: Like what? Picking every pumpkin in the land so we couldn't have any pie?

Amethyst: Perhaps you are right. Still, it is most peculiar that we found no pumpkins anywhere today.

**********

The Sorceress, Trent and Kara begin to eat the pie, which is served on round, crystal-clear plates.

Sorceress: Perhaps the one thing that makes this pie extra-delicious...is the fact that those fools the Crystalbound will not be enjoying any pumpkin pie themselves. MWAHA! MWAHAHA! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Zed stands in his kitchen. On the counter in front of him is a large mixing bowl, some flour, two eggs, milk, water, sugar and a small bottle of vanilla essence.

Zed: Okay, time to make these cakes.

Zed puts some flour into the mixing bowl, then he adds some vanilla essence. He then picks up an egg and hits it on the rim of the bowl, smashing it and covering his palm in its contents.

Zed: Ack!

Amethyst enters the room.

Amethyst: My word! You appear to be having some trouble, Zed.

Zed scrubs his hands under the tap with some liquid soap.

Zed: Yeah, I've never been good at cracking eggs.

Amethyst: Allow me.

Amethyst picks up the egg and cracks it with skill, emptying the yolk and white into the bowl without getting a drop on her hands. She then holds her hand over the egg, causing it to transform into two, which confuses Zed.

Zed: Uh...is that a good idea? The recipe didn't mention adding evocation to the mix.

Amethyst giggles.

Amethyst: Part of a good recipe is customising it to your tastes.

Zed: Well, I suppose you're right.

Amethyst: Now, I will leave you to mix the ingredients.

Zed: Okay then.

Zed dries his hands and returns to the counter.

**********

Zed: Okay, time to add the sugar.

Emily enters the kitchen.

Emily: Um...if I might make a suggestion, honey is a perfect substitute. It is natural and very sweet.

Zed: Oh, that sounds good, but I don't have any-

Emily begins adding golden honey to the batter.

Zed: -honey. Okay then...

Brocc: You know what else this cake needs?

Brocc is suddenly standing there.

Zed: WHOA! Brocc! Don't do that!

Brocc: But I really must! There...one drop of anchovy oil.

Zed: What...? Why-

Brocc: It's better than adding salt.

Zed: This recipe doesn't call for salt!

Brocc: But it's going to taste sooooooo much better now!

Zed: But-

**********

Thobrun: Now, the trick is not to add too much milk to the mix...

Zed: Uh-

**********

Bryn: Just a little pinch of cinnamon, for that tree-bark-y taste!

Zed: I don't like-

**********

Mak: You need to stir it vigorously, to keep the batter consistent.

Zed: It's supposed to be-

**********

Kendall: And just a little enchantment to bring out its better qualities before it goes into the oven.

Kendall shoves the cake into the oven, then slams the door. Zed is speechless.

Zed: My...my cake...

Kendall: ...will be ready in an hour. Now, for the icing...

Zed stands staring at the oven, his mouth agape, before he hangs his head in sorrow.

**********

A piece of golden cake sits on a pale blue porcelain plate in Zed's hand. A fork rests next to it. The others stare at him in anticipation. Zed swallows loudly.

Zed: Okay...time to try this cake...

Zed picks up the fork and breaks off a chunk of cake. He puts it in his mouth and chews once. After a brief pause, his eyes light up and he finishes his mouthful, swallowing it.

Zed: This is really good...

Amethyst: The best dessert comes from a group effort.

Emily: We all worked together, each of us making our own contribution.

Zed: You're right. I'm so happy to have friends such as you guys!

Zed smiles.

Brocc: And, with your new role as-

Mak: BROCC! What did I tell you about spoiling future plots for the readers?!

Brocc: Ah, it seems the student has become the master.

Mak: Huh?

Brocc: You just broke the fourth wall! You're as bad as I am! HA!

Mak: NOOOOOOOOOO!

Everybody laughs.

Brocc walks onto the stage.

Brocc: Ladies and Arbour Beasts...

A rimshot sounds as the audience laughs.

Brocc: Thank you! It's great to be here. For those who don't know me, I'm Brocc Farshot, or if you prefer, you can call me by one of my 30 middle names. Not many people can memorise all of 'em, although our party leader Mak gave it a good attempt. Orcborn, amirite?

The audience laughs again.

Brocc: He was doing fine until he got near the end, and I had to tell him, "No, Angusteventhalliusimmonaticcusius comes BEFORE Ed!"

The audience laughs.

Brocc: But he is seriously smart. Like, REALLY smart. His I.Q. is 115, which is the average lifespan of the common human. Two of our party members are human, Zed and Emily. They're really great, though they have the usual human tendencies. They both scurry around, living their human existences...I'd always wanted a pet, and now we have two!

The audience laughs, including the humans.

Brocc: But the differences between them are starting to be noticeable. Zed's male, and Emily's female. Zed's a round-eared sapi, and Emily's a pointy-eared syl. Zed has no memory but everyone remembers him, and Emily has an eidetic memory but nobody recognises her.

The audience laughs.

Brocc: Thank you, you've been a terrific audience!

Brocc walks off-stage. Mak stares at him, a gruff look on his face.

Brocc: Look, before you flip out, I just have to say-

Mak laughs loudly.

Mak: Not bad for your first routine. I'm impressed.

Brocc: I know I said that, but- wait, you're not mad?

Mak: Eh, I can take a joke. However...

Mak grabs the front of Brocc's coat and holds him up to eye level.

Mak: Be careful what you say about Ems in future. Understand?

Brocc: Crystal.

Brocc makes a huge grin.

Zed sleeps on his bed inside his tent. He appears to be having an intense dream.

Zed: No...no...this doesn't...I...I don't...

Zed is standing in what seems to be a shop, though the wares are unlike any found in Junihoshi. Even his clothing is of unusual design. A girl in similarly-unusual attire walks up to him.

Girl: Can I help you?

Zed looks at the girl.

Zed: Oh, uh...I was just looking around.

Girl: Okay, well, if you need anything-

Zed: Actually, I was recommended to come to this place by...Tad?

Girl: Oh, you're a friend of Tad's?

Zed: Sort of. Oh, I'm Zander, by the way.

Girl: Siren. It's a pleasure to meet you. Any friend of Tad's is welcome here.

"Zander": Thanks.

"Zander" looks around.

"Zander": Oh, Tad said I'd be interested in diving.

Siren: Oh, you're better to do that in warmer weather.

"Zander": Like, summer, you mean?

Siren: Sure, but the water warms up from about mid-October onwards.

"Zander": I did not know that.

Siren lets out a nasal laugh.

Siren: So, did you just move here?

"Zander": Oh no no no, I'm...travelling.

An expression of surprise spreads across Siren's face.

Siren: No way. Y-You're THAT Zander!

"Zander": (playful) Oh, blast! My cover is blown!

Siren laughs.

Siren: Yeah, Tad said he met you at the local game shop. He said you even have a weird tattoo on your hand.

"Zander" holds up his right hand, with the back facing Siren's direction.

Siren: Yeah, that's the one. It seems...well, it's a beautiful design. Where did you get it?

"Zander": Well, I can't tell you.

Siren: What, are you a secret agents or some such?

"Zander": It's...a little more complicated than that. I don't really know how I got it.

Siren: What? But...how-

Tad suddenly walks from out of a room in the back.

Tad: Hey, Siren, you wanna check these regs for me? I think a couple are-

Tad sees "Zander".

Tad: Zander! What are you doing here?

"Zander": Oh, just popping in for a visit.

Tad: But didn't you have "important stuff" to take care of in "you-know-where"?

"Zander": Huh?

Tad raises his eyebrow.

"Zander": Oh yeah! I forgot about the-

Zed awakens to water dripping on his face.

Bryn: Rise and shine! The big guy said we're leaving in an hour.

Zed sits up and wipes his face with his hands. The mark on his hand is glowing softly with cyan light.

Zed: That dream was so vivid. It was like I was there.

Bryn: Oh?

Bryn sits at the end of Zed's bed.

Bryn: What was it about?

Zed: Oh, something about tadpoles and sirens...and I think there was a guy called Zhane...I don't know. It was weird.

Bryn: Fair enough.

Bryn walks out of the tent. Zed suddenly hears a voice which he recognises as a dream remnant.

Voice: This is not your world, Zed...

Zed: Erik? What the...?!

The party arrives at a vast herd of muddvaks. Bryn shrieks and points at the beasts.

Bryn: W-W-What...i-is...th-that?!

Thobrun: Looks like they're migrating.

Amethyst: The chill of winter does hang in the air.

Bryn: But how do we get through them?!

Brocc: Aw, is Bwynnie afwaid of the big scawy muddvwaks?

Bryn: First of all, "muddvak" wouldn't be pronounced with a "w" even if you used baby talk.

Brocc: And how would you know?

Bryn: My brother has taught me a lot about the Common tongue.

Brocc: But how could he have? He can't even speak!

Bryn: SECOND OF ALL, have you seen the size of those things?! If a muddvak can feed a Greatkin family for a month, then how do you expect a single Greatkin to, oh, I dunno, MOVE SAFELY THROUGH A STAMPEDE OF THEM?!

Brocc: Oh, Bryn, get a grip.

Emily: Brocc is right, Brynwon. They are merely walking slowly.

Brocc bursts out laughing.

Brocc: Brynwon?! What kind of name is Brynwon?! HAHAHAHAHA!

Bryn: This coming from the guy whose 17th middle name is Anabelle!

Brocc: Hey! Don't make this about me, Bryn!

Mak: Okay! I think I worked out a way to get us through safely without Bryn devolving into a cowering, blubbering-

Bryn: HEY!

Mak: -mess.

Sometime later...

Bryn: Whoa, we made it out in one piece.

Mak: Did I not do good?

Bryn: Yeah, you did good, big guy.

Brocc: Aren't we going to recap how we made it through?

Mak: What's the point?

Bryn: Yeah, I mean, we know how we did it, don't we?

Kendall: Indeed.

Bryn: Unless there's someone watching us right now who wants to know...?

The party slowly turns to face the viewers. The view zooms out to reveal the party being spied upon by the Sorceress of Winter and Sara.

Sara: Ooh, look at those walking mounds of meat. Yum!

Sorceress: Blast! That stampede didn't work! Brenton will taste my wrath for his failure!

The view returns to the party, who walk off into the sunset.

Zed: Wait a minute...I haven't spoken for the entire afternoon!

Brocc walks up the stairs in Zed's house. He opens Zed's bedroom door and walks in, oblivious to the fact that Zed is getting changed.

Brocc: Hey, Zed, whatcha doi-

Brocc sees Zed putting on some really bizarre-looking pants. Zed realises that Brocc is standing in the room and switches to "I better think of a good explanation for this" mode.

Zed: Oh...uh...hey, Brocc.

Brocc: Um...what are those...things?

Zed: Um...oh.

Zed pulls up the pants. They are so short that they only cover his knees.

Zed: These things? They're...uh...shorts.

Brocc: "Shorts", eh?

Zed: Uh...yeah.

Brocc: And just where did you find these..."shorts"?

Zed looks to his right.

Brocc: There's something you're not telling me.

Zed: What makes you say that?

Brocc: Well, for a start you're not making eye contact with me.

Zed: I rarely make full eye contact with anyone, not even Amethyst.

Brocc: This is different. Also, you're bad at hiding the truth.

Zed exhales loudly.

Zed: Okay, I'm going to level with you. Just don't tell anyone.

Brocc: I'm all ears.

***

Brocc heads downstairs, completely dumbfounded.

Amethyst: You entered Zed's bedchamber.

Brocc: Uh-huh.

Amethyst: And what did you learn?

Brocc: That either he has an insanely detailed imagination...

Amethyst: Yes?

Brocc: ...or my view of the world is completely narrow.

Bryn: ¿Por qué no ambos? (Why not both?)

Brocc: You shut up, Bry- hey, since when did you learn Dark Elvish?

Bryn: Since your face, doofus!

Brocc: Oh yeah? Well... Ditt ansikte är en müdvakken botten! (Your face is a muddvak's butt!)

Bryn: I do speak Forest Gnomish too, y'know!

Brocc: Drat! I almost got away with-

Bright cyan light emerges from the top of Zed's stairs.

Brocc: What was that?!

***

Brocc and Bryn push open Zed's bedroom door.

Brocc: He's gone! Something's not right here...

Zed: "Light!"

Brocc looks at the far side of Zed's room; he is back in his normal outfit. He is holding up his hand and creating an orb of cyan-coloured light, which vanishes immediately.

Brocc: What are you doing?

Zed: Just attempting to colorise my light cantrip.

Brocc: What happened to your "shorts"?

Zed: What are "shorts"?

Brocc: What?! But...but...all that stuff you told me, about-

Zed: You mean about Snorts, the neighbour's pet pig?

Brocc: No, about the other worl-

Zed: My neighbour imported Snorts from the New World, specifically South Dryantel.

Brocc: But...then what's Terra?

Zed: I believe it's the Draconic word for "landmass".

Bryn: Looks like YOU'RE the one with the huge imagination, Brocc. Ha!

Bryn walks out of the room.

Brocc: Okay, why are you covering up what you told me?

Zed: Because none of the others, barring Amethyst and Kendall, must know about any of this.

Brocc: Oh, so it's like a secret amongst friends. I gotcha!

Zed: Not. One. Word. Intellige? (Understand?)

Brocc: Understood.

***

Brocc suddenly sits up in bed in Zed's room. Zed is reading a book entitled "Dungeon Master's Guide".

Brocc: Wow, that dream was intense. I dreamt that you told me about another world!

Zed: Uh...that wasn't a dream. I told you about that, like, seven hours' ago.

Brocc: Oh. Okay, nighty-night!

Brocc lies back down and immediately starts snoring again.

Zed: Wow, that guy can snore.

Zed continues reading his book. Brocc begins sleep-talking.

Brocc: Look at...me...zzz...in my AMAZING NEW...shorts...zzz...

Sara walks onto the stage.

Sara: Uh...hello, puny people.

A rimshot sounds and the audience laughs.

Sara: Wait, that wasn't the joke! Uh...oh yeah.

Sara clears her throat.

Sara: Why did the chicken poop itself? Because eggs taste like poop! HAHAHAHAHA!

The audience remains silent.

Sara: RRRRAWRRRR! I AM NOT UNLITERATE!

Sara begins destroying the stage in a furious frenzy. A large cane scoops around her and pulls her off-stage. The audience claps and cheers. Sara steps back onto the stage, growling and flailing her arms, before the cane scoops her back off-stage.

Mak walks into an armoury. Weapons and armour of every description line the shelves. He walks up to the counter, where a stern-looking gentleman stands in front of a till.

Cashier: Whaddaya want? I haven't got all day.

Mak: Two batons of bread, please, my good sir! (laughs)

The cashier stares at Mak, a blank expression on his face.

Mak: Sorry, it was just a little...you know what, never mind. You'd have to have been there to get it.

Mak's thoughts: Man, how does the green-haired guy do it?

Cashier: Can I help you?

Mak: Yes, I need a new sword. As you can see, mine has seen better days.

The cashier looks at Mak's sword.

Cashier: Yeesh! Looks like you rammed it right into an Arbour Beast's-

Mak: Hey hey, keep it PG! Teenagers visit this forum, you know!

Brocc's voice: (calls out from a distance) Your fourth-wall manipulation is improving!

Mak: (yells out) Unless you want me to hurt you in the most severe way a PG rating will allow, Brocc, you better-

Brocc's voice: Shutting up!

The cashier lets out a gruff chuckle.

Cashier: I like you, kid. Lemme show you a special blade.

The cashier reaches under the counter, pulling out a fine-looking magic longsword.

Mak: Whoa, is that a Gold Dragon Blade?

Cashier: Sure is.

Mak: I've always wanted one...

Cashier: Well, it won't come cheap, so I hope you brought-

Mak: How much?

Cashier: Well, a blade this fine'll normally set you back a cool 50,000 gold-

Mak: I'll take it!

Cashier: -but for you, I'll do a special deal. Half off, plus I'll throw in a jewel-adorned sheath.

Mak: Done!

The cashier places the sword on the table. He then picks up a hammer and strikes the middle of the blade, breaking it in half. The cashier picks up a gold sheath encrusted with rubies and throws it at Mak, striking him in the face with it.

Cashier: HAHAHAHAHA! Now THAT'S funny!

The sheath slowly slides down Mak's face, revealing him to be intensely angry. The orcborn's eyes glow with bright light, causing the cashier to start panicking.

***

We cut to a view outside the armoury. A loud punching sound effect is heard, before Mak leaves the armoury. Zed leaves the bakery at the same time, a large cake sitting atop his head.

Zed: Did you get your sword?

Mak: Nope, the shopkeeper was a jerk, so I punched-

Mak looks at Zed.

Mak: Oh no...did the baker throw a cake at you?

Zed: Huh? Oh, nope. I bought tons of bread and cake, so they gave me this cool hat! Neat, huh?

Mak: Oh, that is neat! I want one too!

***

The cashier stands facing a large machine labelled "Stress-B-Gone".

Cashier: Ah, this is my finest invention. Every time I enrage one of my customers, they punch it with all their might, which crushes the oranges inside and pours the juice into this glass.

The cashier removes a large glass filled with orange juice from a compartment inside the machine.

Cashier: It relieves their pent-up stress, and I never have to squeeze my own morning juice again! It's a win-win situation!

The cashier sips his juice.

Cashier: Ah, that's good.

A spotlight turns on and shines onto the centre of the stage. Brocc walks into it and holds up a microphone.

Brocc: Hello, I'm Broccoli Choy Verdann Asparagustus-

Random audience member: You forgot Svetlana!

Brocc: ANYWAY-

Random audience member: Well, excuuuuuuuse me, Your Gnomeliness!

Brocc: WELCOME to a very special Super-Short, where we pick a random audience member and get them on-stage for a Crystals of Silveria trivia quiz!

Random audience member: You suck! Give us the dog-dude!

Brocc: How about...hm...

Brocc examines the audience.

Brocc: ...you!

Brocc points to a "random" audience member who is quite obviously Bryn wearing different clothes and a pair of stylish red frames.

Brocc: Come up onto the stage!

The audience claps and cheers as the halfling walks onto the stage.

Random audience member: I said the DOG-DUDE, not the dog who transformed into a dude!

Bryn: What did you call me, punk?! Why don't I come down there and...and...

Brocc: Bry- I mean ma'am...ma'am...please calm down and try and answer...these questions!

Bryn: Sigh...fine. But you owe me one.

Brocc: Okay! Question: What is the name of the character who owns a magical crystal?

Bryn: You. Are. Kidding. There's, like, seven of us who have crystals, doofu-

Brocc: It's multiple choice!

Bryn: Oh, okay, that makes things easier.

Brocc: Is it A: Kendall Silvertooth; B: Eustace Taylor; C: Eduardo the Fashion Genius; or D: Turkey and Cranberry?

Bryn: And...you wrecked it.

Brocc: Which is it?

Bryn: Okay, the first one is a major recurring character but isn't a Crystalbound; the second is a minor recurring character who definitely isn't a Crystalbound; the third is a one-off character from the two-part pilot who is unlikely to return in the next season; and the last one isn't even a character at all, it's what you ate for lunch!

Brocc: It was so tasty...I wish I was eating it this very moment...

Bryn: So how can I honestly answer this ridiculous question?

Brocc: Oh! I made a teensy mistake when I read the question. It should've read, "Which of the following is not a character?", so...yeah, my bad. Heheh.

Bryn stares at Brocc.

Bryn: I'm leaving.

Bryn exits the stage. Brocc turns to face the audience.

Brocc: Well, that's our show. If you liked it-

Random audience member: WAHAHAHAHA! You must be joking! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Brocc: Oh, that is it! You're gonna get it now, buddy!

Brocc leaps off the stage at the audience member.

Brocc: RAAAAAAAAWR!

The screen suddenly cuts to a panel with an image of Argen eating a wedge of cake with pink icing. Underneath him is text which reads, "BREAK TIME! We'll be back with more streaming soon. Stay tuned!" After a moment, the screen is suddenly replaced with a clip of the ending scene of The Seventh Crystal, Part I.

Sorceress: And Trenton? I want them alive. Is that understood?

Trent: Yes, Mistress.

The Sorceress' blue lipstick-covered lips twist into an evil smile.

Sorceress: Good.

Sara is standing on stage. She stares at the audience, examining them closely. An audience member lets out a cough. Sara rubs her nose with her index finger, then sticks her finger up her right nostril. She pulls it out and examines it before facing the audience again.

Sara: Um...

Another audience member coughs. Sara clears her throat, then makes a sharp cough with her tongue protruding slightly. She stares at the audience again and yawns loudly, then rubs her eye. A third audience member coughs. Sara looks up at the ceiling, then at her feet. She raises her right index finger into the air and opens her mouth, but then changes her mind and closes her mouth, returning to a neutral expression.

Sara: And that's how a dinner session with my parents basically goes.

A rimshot sounds, and the audience laughs loudly.

Sara: Thank you, you've been a wonderful audience!

Sara raises her hand in the air, then walks off-stage.

Zed and Kendall walk into Bake n' Drake, a popular burger restaurant chain.

Zed: Wow, this place is amazing!

Kendall: Indeed. It is the first establishment of its kind.

Zed: So what would you recommend?

Kendall: Well, let's find out, shall we?

Kendall holds up his hand and casts a spell on Zed.

Kendall: "Bake n' Drake's Detect Preferred Menu Item!"

A bright light surrounds Zed, which disappears quickly.

Zed: Wow, that's a mouthful.

Zed glimpses someone finish taking an enormous bite from a marinated Drake Burger. The gentleman chews slowly, a look of sheer joy on his face.

Gentleman: Mmmmmmmm-mm-mmmmm...

Zed widens his eyes and exhales before looking at Kendall.

Kendall: That was a spell called Bake n' Drake's detect preferred menu item. It was invented by the Bake n' Drake corporate mage as a means to ensure that everyone receives their ideal order.

Zed: Does it really work?

Kendall: Indeed. They have a policy whereby if anyone is dissatisfied with the menu option detected by the spell, they receive a free drink.

Zed: Cool. So...which item do I like best?

Kendall: I'm not certain.

Zed frowns.

Zed: I thought the spell was foolproof.

Kendall: We must report this to the manager.

***

Manager: I apologise, but I cannot honour the free drink offer.

Kendall: What?! But...the spell failed!

Manager: The policy clearly states that the customer must be dissatisfied with their meal despite the spell's recommendation.

Kendall: And how many customers have received a free drink?

Manager: Exactly 0 customers to date have received a free drink due to Bake n' Drake's detect preferred menu item inaccuracy.

Kendall: (sarcastic) The system works.

Manager: However...

Kendall: Yes?

Manager: We do have a policy for the spell not functioning at all, and this is the first time that Bake n' Drake's detect preferred menu item has failed.

Kendall: What kind of policy?

***

Zed and Kendall leave Bake n' Drake. Kendall appears shocked, whereas Zed seems disappointed.

Kendall: A 5,000 gold compensation for the spell not working on you?! Of all the luck...

Zed: Aw, I wanted a free drink...

Kendall: You can buy a drink with your hard-earned gold, though.

Zed: Oh yeah...milkshakes for all!

Zed runs back into Bake n' Drake.

Kendall: Milkshakes? But...I'm allergic to milk.

Zed's voice echoes out from within.

Zed's voice: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE SHAKE MACHINE'S OUT OF ORDER?!

Brocc steps onto the stage.

Brocc: My fellow humanoids, I have decided to skip the usual Gnomish comedy routine in lieu of something a little more...unique.

Bryn's voice yells out from off-stage.

Bryn: Oh no...you're not going to do your Chiauruese bean-stew fart-off, are you?

Brocc: Well, I did consider that, but I ended up picking something better.

Bryn: Better than the majesty and aroma of fifteen different kinds of fart?

Brocc: I will be singing a song I wrote!

Bryn: Oh, for the love of Granrelm...hold on while I plug my ears!

Two loud squeaking sounds echo from off-stage.

Bryn: OKAY, YOU'RE GOOD TO GO!

Brocc: Thanks!

Bryn: WHAT?

Brocc: I said, "Thanks"!

Bryn: I CAN'T HEAR YOU, GOB-FOR-BRAINS! I'M WEARING EARPLUGS, REMEMBER?

Brocc mutters under his breath.

Brocc: Sewer-breath.

Bryn: WHAT DID YOU CALL ME?!

Brocc panics.

Brocc: Uh...a-and without further ado, I give you a little song I like to call Ridin' the Arbour Beast Home!


The scene scrambles into a screen-cap depicting Mr. Newt sitting in an armchair sipping a cup of tea. Underneath in big block letters reads, "BREAK TIME! WE'RE SORTING OUT SOME TECHNICAL PROBLEMS, BUT WE'LL BE BACK SOON!" After a few moments, the screen shifts to a scene in a future episode.

Zed stands facing the giant metal door. He walks up next to it, staring at his reflected face. His eyes widen.

Zed: Whoa, is that a pimple? It's huge!

The doors swing open, emitting a bright light from within. A voice seems to echo from thin air.

Voice: Enter.

Zed begins to walk into the chamber. After making some considerable distance, the doors swing shut. Zed doesn't look behind him, but continues walking. The walls and ceiling are completely bare, and made of the same mysterious metal. As Zed approaches the end of the corridor, he enters a room of white light. A hatch seals behind him, and this time he turns around. The voice causes him to face the centre of the room again. It seems to be quite calm and relaxed.

Voice: Please, stand on the cyan circle in the centre of the chamber.

Zed stands on the circle, and is surrounded by a column of weird cyan energy. A ring of tiny cyan lights appears on the walls of the chamber, revealing it to be circular.

Zed: Uh...hello?

Voice: Yes?

Zed: What, uh...what exactly is going on?

Voice: Fear not. No harm will befall you.

Zed: Uh...okay then.

The tiny cyan lights become incredibly bright. Zed squints through them.

Voice: Subject is definitely not of this world. He appears to be a homonid human, but his makeup is noticeably unique.

Zed: Makeup?

Voice: Complete absence of chromairo aura is most unusual.

Zed: Chromairo?

Voice: Subject shows curiosity about study. Suggests unusual mind construction for his species.

Zed: Unusual?

Voice: Scan of subject's cerebral matter does indeed indicate an abnormally-configured mind. Great intellect, yet much of it still untapped. Entire banks of memories completely gone. Other banks of memories encrypted.

Zed: Okay, what is so special about me?

Voice: Prepare subject for transport.

Zed: Wait...transport?!

Suddenly, the blue disc upon which Zed is standing moves upward, propelling him into a network of energy tubes.

Zed: WHOOOOOOOA!

Zed sits on his bed, his long legs crossed and his knees pointing at opposite ends. Zed's hands are resting atop his knees. Zed's eyes are closed, and he is not moving.

Zed's thoughts: Okay, clear your mind, Zed...focus on awakening your inner-

Brocc: HEY ZED! GUESS WHAT'S HAPPENING IN TOW-

Brocc runs into Zed's bedroom, and is stopped in his tracks when he sees Zed.

Brocc: Uh...Zed?

Zed remains motionless, but he still acknowledges Brocc.

Zed: Yes, Brocc?

Brocc: What...uh...what are you doing?

Zed: I'm meditating. Well, sort of, anyway.

Brocc: MEDITATING?! What, did you dilettante as a shoe vendor or something?

Zed: Shugenja, Brocc.

Brocc: Yeah, one of those.

Zed: Nope.

Brocc: You didn't? Then why bother meditating?

Zed: I'm trying to find a way to reach my mindscape at will, but so far it's not working.

Brocc: I see...well maybe I can help.

Zed: How?

Brocc: Maybe if I form a physical connection with you and use my bardic powers, it'll help speed up the process!

Zed opens his right eye.

Zed: It's worth a shot.

Brocc: A FAR-shot!

Cricket sounds are heard. Zed closes his eye.

Brocc: Let's do this!

Brocc runs to Zed's right side and clasps his right wrist.

Brocc: Wow, your gloves are so soft! Personally, I hate gloves, but if I liked 'em, you can be sure I'd want a pair just like these! Well, except mine would be green, of course.

Brocc exhales, then he begins to sing. His voice sounds pleasant, with soft, otherworldly echoes.


A portal surrounded by a frame of rainbow light opens up at the foot of Zed's bed. Through it we can see a bustling medieval-inspired city. Erik is clearly visible, and he is communicating with a brunette woman standing next to what resembles a griffon. Brocc begins to panic, letting go of Zed's wrist. The portal closes and disappears.

Brocc: That was a close one...

Zed opens his eyes.

Zed: That was weird.

Brocc: What was weird?

Zed: The only thing I envisioned was a rainbow bubble...

Brocc: What? A rainbow bubble?! There's no such thing! Eheheheheh...

A bead of sweat rolls down Brocc's forehead.

Zed: Uh...oooookay then...

The camera pans behind Brocc to reveal Bryn standing in the hallway. She appears furious, and is wielding an enormous gourd.

Bryn: BROCC! How many times have I told you not to sing within a 5000-foot radius of myself?!

Brocc suddenly freezes.

Brocc: Oops.

Bryn: I'LL OOPS YOU! YAAAAAAAAH!

Bryn runs towards Brocc.

Brocc: YAH!

Brocc leaps off the bed and runs out the door, followed by Bryn.

Bryn: Come back and fight, coward!

Brocc: But I'm allergic to bruises!

Zed sits there, staring at his doorway.

Zed: Uh...what just happened?

Brocc walks onto the stage.

Brocc: Ladies and dudes, the writers of the show have given me permission to unveil some scenes from Crystals of Silveria II, as well as some other tie-in shows which are coming soon. Being the creative guy I am, I have turned these brief nuggets of delight into a mini-clip show. With that out of the way, enjoy these spoilerific moments!

***

Zed takes a bite of meat. He chews and swallows.

Brocc: Well, what do you think?

Zed: Hm...

Brocc: What? What is it?

Zed: Did you marinate this chicken leg in ginger?

Brocc: Yes...?

Zed: Oh.

Brocc: You don't like ginger?

Zed: Well, not particularly.

***

Brocc is still standing on-stage.

Brocc: What a spoiler! We learn that I can COOK! Let's see another one.

***

Bryn sits next to Brocc.

Bryn: Hey.

Brocc: Oh, hey.

Bryn: Nice sunset.

Brocc: Yeah, very orange. It reminds me of Sve-

Brocc pauses.

Brocc: Look, about yesterday-

Bryn: It's okay. You don't need to apologise.

Brocc: I don't?

Bryn: Of course not. I shouldn't have been so hard on you. You were just trying to help.

Brocc: Oh. Uh...thanks?

Bryn: The truth is, I'm not supposed to be the Ceruleanbound anyway.

Brocc: What?!

***

Brocc nearly falls to the stage floor.

Brocc: Now that IS a spoiler! Bryn actually apologises to me! I bet none of you saw THAT coming, did you? Well, join us next time for Volume Two!

Brocc watches Bryn as she devours a Marinated Drake Burger 2DmaX in under two minutes. Bryn sighs and looks over at Brocc.

Bryn: Look, Brocc, I know I have admirable qualities and all, but why in the name of Granrelm are you watching me eat?

Brocc: I'm surprised you were able to finish your meal so quickly.

Bryn: So what, you think you can do better than me?

Brocc: No, I think I can do better than you!

Bryn: That's what I just said...

Brocc: No, that's what YOU just said!

Bryn: Are you repeating what I say just to mess with me?

Brocc: No, I'm repeating what YOU say just to mess with YOU!

Bryn: AARGH! You're impossible!

Brocc: Nuh-uh, I'M impossible!

Bryn calms down.

Bryn: I'm calmly walking away, and we'll pretend this didn't happen.

Bryn stands up from her chair and begins to walk away.

Brocc: No, YOU'RE calmly walking away and-

Bryn: WRAAAAAAAAGH!

Bryn runs towards Brocc in a fierce rage. As she reaches him, the screen changes to that of a multicoloured test pattern, with the symbol of the multiverse in its centre. The scene then cuts to a clip of the last piece of dialogue at the end of the Mask of Akanius episode Akanian Knights, Part II.

Alph: It's a long story...

Brocc walks onto the stage.

Brocc: Ladies and gentlemen, due to the fact that our producers hate spoilers more than Mara hates the Crystalbound, it is my duty to inform you that the Spoilerific Super-Shorts sub-series...has been cancelled.

The crowd gasps.

Brocc: Just kidding! Here's a scene from an upcoming episode:

***
We cut to a scene from an episode of Mask of Akanius. Alph and Ocre stand facing each other. Ocre is wielding a sword, while Alph has left his in its sheath.

Ocre: What are you waiting for, Alphabet? Come at me with all your might!

Alph: I-I don't think I can!

Ocre: Why not? How can you expect to become a great warrior if you don't even learn to swing a sword?

Alph: That's the thing. I don't want to be a warrior!

Ocre: Come on, Alphabet, you haven't even tried it!

Alph: But what if I hurt you?

Ocre: I'm an Akanian. No way am I gonna let a little owie stop me!

Alph: Okay, it's time to tell you the truth.

Ocre: The truth?

Alph: Yeah. I...am a pacifist.

Ocre: What's that?

Alph: It's someone who doesn't like hurting others. I don't want to use this sword because I know it would hurt someone one day.

***
Brocc: Shocking stuff, indeed. We learn that Ocre is an "Akanian", whatever that is. Let's watch another clip...

***
We cut to a clip from Flight of Indigo. Three of the main characters, Sky, Talya and Chuck, are eating lunch.

Chuck: Okay, are you a wizard?!

***
Brocc: Unbelievable...Sky might be a wizard! One more scene for good measure...

***
We cut to a scene from Shell of Thal. Shelley, the captain of the Hat, stands on deck. She shivers as she watches an enormous ice floe drift past the ship.

Shelley: I thought it felt a little chilly when I woke up this morning!

An orange-haired gnome lands in front of Shelley.

Gnome: I'll say, it's as cold as an ice floe on the ocean's surface here!

Shelley: You really need to expand your vocabulary, Sven...

***
Brocc: OKAY, WHO'S THE BOZO WHO LET SVEN COMMANDEER THIS SUPER-SHORT?! Honestly, it's like he tries to upstage me at every point of my existence! Sorry, folks, show's over. Maybe we'll do another one of these...IF the producers agree to not include ANY gnome named Sven! Ooh, that Sven...

Brocc walks onto the stage.

Brocc: And now, ladies, gentlemen and Bryns, I present a joke.

Brocc clears his throat.

Brocc: Why did the halfling run across the road? Because she saw a muddvak! HA!

Bryn yells from off-stage.

Bryn: I know where you live, so you better have the kind of cleaning solution that wipes up raw egg!

Brocc: But I just painted that house! Bryn! Please don't egg my house!

Brocc begins leaving the stage.

Brocc: Bryn? Bryn?! BRYN!

Brocc walks onto the stage and faces the audience.

Brocc: A guy walked up to me the other day and asked, "You got the time?", so I said to him, "No, but I got the basil, the parsley, the coriander..."

The audience remains silent.

Brocc: Uh-

Voice: You suck! Give us the dog-dude!

Brocc: And that is why you punks aren't getting another one of my one-liners!

Voice: Oh, thank f-

Brocc: Because I have BUNCHES of these! Haha!

Voice: Oh, for the love of f-

Brocc: So we saw a muddvak the other day, and Bryn-

Voice: I'll give YOU a muddvak the other day if you don't fu-

Brocc: HEY! Watch your language! There are children present!

Voice: I know! There's one on stage attempting to tell jokes!

Brocc becomes furious.

Brocc: Okay, that is IT! I have #%$&*ing HAD IT with you, you #%$&*ing stupid #%$&*! You come to EVERY SINGLE ONE of my #%$&*ing shows, and you say #%$&*-all nice about them! Seriously, what the #%$&* is your #%$&*ing PROBLEM?!

Brocc hyperventilates, then calms down.

Brocc: Sorry about that, folks. I've just been having a rough week. Between my cat running away when we encountered a pack of sweet little puppies, my best frenemy running away from our muddvak ranch tour and my mysteriously-recurrent case of magic-induced rainbow flatulence...

Voice: Aw, I'm sorry, Brick. I was only teasing you...

Brocc: And those other times?

Voice: Just trying to have a little fun with you, that's all. But if you don't like people stirring you, then you should ask them to stop.

Brocc: Oh, okay. That's actually some good advice! What's your name?

Voice: It's Duggdug.

Brocc: Well then, Duggdug, would you like to come up on stage?

Duggdug: Oh, I can't...

Brocc: Why not? Are you stage-shy?

Duggdug: Well, no, but the writer of this series hasn't created a visual representation of myself.

Brocc: Uh...

Bryn's voice: He means there's no reference art of him, so he can't physically appear in the show!

Brocc: Well then, the writer should think about drawing an image of Duggdug so he can appear in a Super-Short of his own!

Duggdug: Really? I can be a star?!

Brocc: Of course!

Duggdug: Wow! Okay, I'll do it!

The audience claps and cheers.

Brocc: Well, you heard it here first, folks! Duggdug is getting his own Super-Short! Later, homies!

The audience claps as Brocc begins to leave the stage.

Duggdug: Hey, Brick?

Brocc stops walking and looks into the audience.

Brocc: Yeah?

Duggdug: I'm sorry.

The audience says "Aw...". Brocc smiles.

Brocc: It's fine.

Brocc leaves the stage.

MC: Uh...well, now we can get on with the ACTUAL show! Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the Four Seasons Kisetsuese Shugenja Martial Arts Show!

Brocc (from off-stage): Wait...DID I COME ON THE WRONG NIGHT?!

Duggdug: YES!

Brocc (from off-stage): WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME, DUGGDUG?!

Duggdug: I WAS SORT OF STIRRING YOU AT THE TIME!

Brocc (from off-stage): OH! OKAY THEN!

Duggdug: SO...WHO DO I SEE ABOUT THE PART?!

Brocc (from off-stage): OH, JUST GO TO THE STAGE AGENCY IN-

MC: Can we please get back to the show?!

Brocc and Duggdug: SORRY!

MC: Anyway...what's that? We're out of time?! Oh, #%$&*!

Scene 1: Zed’s House: Early Morning

The sun rises over a secluded township in the middle of a vast green plain. In a small house on the outskirts of town, a young man is in a restless slumber, tossing and turning. His eyes suddenly fly open and he sits up in his bed.

Young man (thoughts): Whoa, I need to stop eating muddvak cheese before bed…

The young man, now dressed, walks into his washroom. He gazes into his mirror, opening his mouth and biting onto his hand. The man’s hand glows with a bright blue light, illuminating his entire mouth for a moment before dissipating. He turns on a tap and rinses a cup, then fills it with water. He takes a mouthful and sloshes it around, spitting it into the sink. He then empties the cup and turns off the tap.

Young man: Nothing like making your own magical toothpaste!

The man thinks to himself, then realises something.

Young man: Oh, this is an animé, so my hair is supposed to be spiky if I ever want to be a main character!

The man holds his hand over his forehead. His hand glows. As he moves it upward, his messy, bright red hair spikes vertically. He moves his hand away, and it stops glowing.

Young man: Okay, time to eat a banana that will taste like garbage due to me cleaning my teeth BEFORE eating!

The young man opens the front door and steps through it, closing it behind him. As he turns around a bouncy ball lands next to his foot. He looks at the ball, then at the two boys running towards him.

Boy #1: Good morning, Mr. Zed!

Zed: Good morning, Steve! How are you?

Boy #1: My name’s not Steve!

Boy #2: Good morning, Mr. Zed!

Zed: Oh, hi, Steve!

Boy #2: My name’s not Steve, either.

Boy #1: Can we have our ball back, please?

Zed: Sure thing, Steve!

Zed kicks the ball to the boys. The second one grabs it.

Boy #2: Thanks, Mr. Zed!

Zed: No problem, Steve!

Boy #1: My name’s not Steve! It’s Alfre-

Zed: Sorry, Steve, I can’t chat right now. I have to go to work.

Boy #1: Okay then…”Steve”!

Zed: Bye-bye!

Boy #2: Bye-bye, “Steve”!

The boys run off with the ball. Zed smiles and shakes his head slightly, then makes his way into town.

Zed’s thoughts: Wait…so…is my name actually Steve…?

Scene 2: Taylor’s Treasures: Morning

Zed makes his way to Taylor’s Treasures. A bell jingles as Zed opens the door and walks inside, closing the door behind him. A middle-aged woman with glasses heads downstairs into the small shop.

Zed: Good morning, Mrs. Taylor.

Mrs. Taylor: Ah, good morning, young Zed.

Zed looks around the shop.

Zed: So, I see the walls are still lemon meringue-coloured…

Mrs. Taylor: You skipped breakfast again, didn’t you? I keep telling you to eat first and THEN brush your teeth! Honestly, I had no trouble teaching that to my son, Ted!

Zed: Wait…so your son’s name ISN’T Steve?!

The bell jingles as the door opens. The delivery man walks in.

Deliveryman: Mornin’, Mrs. Taylor!

Mrs. Taylor: Mornin’, Mr. Deliveryman. What have you got for us today?

Deliveryman: Three big boxes o’ wondrous junk for ya.

Mrs. Taylor: Oh, I hope it’s those underpants of supreme comfort I ordered!

Zed picks up the smallest box, places it onto the counter and opens it with a small knife.

Zed: Sorry, Mrs. Taylor, it’s just full of brown, non-descript bags.

Mrs. Taylor: Oh, bummer! You may as well put ‘em on display then, lad. Then you can knock off work early and go get a lemon meringue from the bakery.

Zed: You’re so nice, Mrs. T!

Mrs. Taylor: Please don’t call me that, Zed…

Zed: Sorry. So…do you think I’ll ever become a main character?

Mrs. Taylor: With hair THAT spiky, lad, I’d be half-surprised if an elf carrying a plot device didn’t walk in here during the next scene!

Zed nods.

Zed’s thoughts: I hope you’re right, Ted-Steve’s mother…

Scene 3: Taylor’s Treasures: Early Afternoon

A young elven woman enters the shop, the little bell jingling as she opens and closes the door. Mrs. Taylor greets her with a smile.

Mrs. Taylor: Ah, I’ve been expecting you...

Young woman: Bonjour, mademoiselle. My name is Amethyst Lunerosée, and I am looking for someone with particularly spiky hair to accept a plot device that will make him – or her – a main character.

Mrs. Taylor: What a coincidence! My spikiest-haired employee was just saying that he wants to become a main character!

Amethyst: That is wonderful!

Mrs. Taylor: I’ll tell him to meet you in the tavern, even though he never sets foot in there and wouldn’t do so otherwise.

Amethyst: Merci, mademoiselle.

Scene 4: The Naked Drake: Afternoon

Zed walks inside the tavern. It is practically deserted, save for a couple of individuals at different tables.

Zed’s thoughts: Why couldn’t Mrs. Taylor have arranged for me to meet that person in the toy shop? I like the toy shop…

Zed walks over to Amethyst. Amethyst looks up at Zed, then stands up.

Amethyst: You must be Zed.

Zed: How did you guess?

Amethyst: Because your hair is so…spiky!

Zed: Oh…right.

Amethyst: Anyway, my name is Amethyst Lunerosée, and I am a wood elf from…uh…Verdelvum…the place where wood elves live. It is a pleasure to make your acquaintance, monsieur.

Zed: If…you’re a wood elf, then why do you keep using words from the Light Elvish language?

Amethyst giggles.

Amethyst: Spoilers, sweetie.

Amethyst picks up her staff and starts to head towards the door.

Zed: Wait…what’s a spoiler?

Zed starts to follow Amethyst.

Scene 5: Meadow: Afternoon

Zed and Amethyst walk to the top of a hill covered in short, green grass.

Amethyst: Okay, here we are.

Zed: The meadow near my house?

Amethyst: Is it? Well, that’s suspiciously convenient…

Zed: Why did you bring me here?

Amethyst: I will show you.

Amethyst reaches into her satchel, pulling out a wooden box with a silver clasp. She undoes the clasp, swinging the box open so that Zed can gaze upon the contents. Inside the box are seven alcoves, with one of the alcoves containing a triangular, cyan-coloured crystal.

Amethyst: This box contains the seventh in a set of plot devices that will make you, Zed Steve Starmute, a main character, better known as a Crystalbound.

Zed: I…can be a main character…?!

Amethyst: I just said we’re called the-

Zed: Wow…

Zed steps forward. He reaches out his hand and picks up the crystal. As he opens his hand, the crystal’s centre glows with a bright light. Zed places the crystal around his neck. The light within its centre shines bright enough to illuminate the immediate area, before returning to a low level of constant light within the centre.

Zed: I’m a main character!

Scene 6: Street: Morning

Zed and Amethyst walk down a street.

Zed: Thank you for buying my new clothes.

Amethyst: It is my pleasure, Zed. Now, we need to buy you a wand that later turns out to be your long-lost sword.

Zed: What? But wizards don’t use swords! Why would I have a sword?

Amethyst: Spoilers, sweetie.

Zed leads Amethyst to another door. The sign above the door reads The Budding Alchemist. Zed opens the door, motioning Amethyst to enter. Amethyst nods once and enters the building, followed by Zed. An elderly gentleman with a long white beard greets them.

Gentleman: Ah, Zed. Still having bizarre dreams?

Zed: Yes, Mr. Steve Newt.

Newt: You do know that muddvak cheese before bed will cause weird dreams, right?

Zed: Yes, Mr. Steve Newt. Sorry, Mr. Steve Newt…

Newt: I suppose you’re here for your swo- I mean…a wand that clearly isn’t yours until you buy it?

Zed: Yep.

Newt: Very well.

Mr. Newt notices Amethyst.

Newt: Ah, my former apprentice. It is good to see you again.

Amethyst: Oh, now I remember you! You used to be my teacher!

Newt: Yes, yes I did.

Mr. Newt leads Zed to a display containing a selection of wands.

Zed: How will I know which one is the right one for me?

Newt: Well, it CERTAINLY isn’t because it was yours and you recognise it, even in a different form!

Zed looks around. He spots a silver wand adorned with a carving of a dragon at its far end. He walks over to it and picks it up. Almost immediately, a bright blue glow surrounds him. He reaches into his shirt and pulls out the crystal, which is also glowing with a bright blue light.

Newt: No…it cannot be!

The light dissipates. Mr. Newt walks over to Zed.

Newt: Zed! You did not tell me you had a plot device!

Zed: That’s because it was only given to me yesterday…

Newt: Oh. Well, we must go to my house and discuss it further.

The three people step out of the shop. A mysterious figure lurks in the shadows.

Figure: Oh, man…they locked me in here! Didn’t they know I was here? I might be locked in here for hours...I guess I'll trash the place, then! Heheheh...

You like outtakes, right? Well, here are some of the pilot episode's handpicked moments which stood out as the outtakiest of outtakes. Get ready for the first instalment of the Blooper Reel of Silveria!

(This is a slightly-revised version of the outtakes post from the original series hub and guidebook thread)

***

S1E01 The Seventh Crystal, Part I

As he turns around a bouncy ball lands next to his foot. He looks at the ball, then at the two boys running towards him.

Boy #1: Good morning, Mr. Zed!

Zed: Good morning! How are you?

Boy #1: Very good!

Boy #2: It’s my birthday today!

Zed: Ah, and this must be your present.

Boy #2: Yes it is!

Boy #1: Will you kick it over please, sir?

Zed: Sure.

Zed kicks the ball into a camera lens, causing the camera to topple over. The cast and crew burst into laughter.

Boy #2: You hit it!

Zed: YES! I’m going to the World Cup!

The crew start laughing again.

Zed: And they said I was bad at soccer!

***

A young elf woman with long brown hair, purple eyes and a purple robe enters town. She is carrying a silver staff, its only feature being a purple orb at one end, which is partly-engulfed by a finely-sculpted dragon. She makes her way over to the two boys, still playing with their ball.

Amethyst: Good morning, boys.

The boys look at the young woman, and an expression of surprise spreads across their faces.

Boy #1: Flip! It’s a dwarf! I mean…it’s an ehehelf!

Boy #2: HAHAHA! She’s an elf! Look at the pointy ears!

Amethyst: My ears hear the faeries! They call me a “dwarf”! HAHAHA!

Boy #1: Okay, okay, let’s try that again!

***

She makes her way over to the two boys, still playing with their ball.

Amethyst: Good morning, boys.

The boys look at the young woman, and an expression of surprise spreads across their faces. The first boy bursts out laughing, which prompts the other cast members to laugh as well.

Boy #1: I’m sorry! I’m sorry! Let’s try that again!

***

She makes her way over to the two boys, still playing with their ball.

Amethyst: Good morning, boys.

The boys look at the young woman, and an expression of surprise spreads across their faces.

Boy #1: Flip! It’s an elf!

Boy #2: Are you sure? She looks more like a dwarf to me!

The first boy and Amethyst start laughing.

Boy #1: That was perfect! Why would you-

Boy #2: I’m sorry! I couldn’t resist!

***

Zed and Amethyst walk to the top of a hill covered in short, green grass.

Amethyst: Okay, here we are.

Zed: This is the meadow near my house.

Amethyst: It is the perfect place to test your-

Amethyst starts coughing.

Zed: Are you-

Amethyst: I’m sorry! I swallowed a fly!

Mak’s voice: Well, your mouth was wide open in that take!

The cast and crew start laughing.

Amethyst: You’re not even IN this scene!

Mak’s voice: Well, my makeup and prosthetics take ages to apply! I was having a break!

Bryn’s voice: Oh yeah? Try green-screening for seven hours straight!

The crew start laughing.

Amethyst: Okay, let’s try that one again!

***

Amethyst holds up her staff again.

Zed: Okay, here I go.

Zed holds up his right hand, aiming it in front of him.

Zed: Magic Missile!

Zed pauses for five seconds.

Cameraperson: Uh…we got it.

Amethyst: Oh, sorry. I forgot my line!

Zed laughs.

Zed: “Impressive! Another perfect hit!”

Amethyst: Oh, haha! Okay, one more time!

***

An elderly gentleman with a long white beard greets them.

Newt: Well, if it isn’t young Zed. Why, I haven’t seen you in here since the Winter Festival!

Zed: The which festival?

Newt suddenly chuckles.

Newt: The Astral Festival! Oh, my memory’s not what it used to be!

The cast and crew laugh.

Newt: Listen, sonny, and I’ll tell you a story about when milk was delivered to your home and DVDs didn’t have bonus material!...okay, let’s try again.

S1E02 The Seventh Crystal, Part II

Amethyst and Zed walk past the fountain.

Zed: Well, I guess that was slightly informative.

Amethyst: Even the littlest knowledge can change the world.

Zed: True…

Zed pauses.

Zed: I’m sorry, I forgot my line!

Amethyst laughs.

Amethyst: You’re a mage now! You need to study your lines!

Zed laughs.

Zed: I just remembered my line!

***

Amethyst: Even the littlest knowledge can change the world.

Zed: True…and…nope. It’s gone again.

Amethyst: Honestly…

The crew and Zed laugh. Amethyst chuckles.

Zed: Okay, okay, this time I’ll do it for real!

***

Amethyst: Even the littlest knowledge can change the world.

Zed: True. So, what crystal does my boon provide?

Crewmember: Right words, wrong order!

The crew and Amethyst laugh.

Zed: What? But I…oh. Hahahahahahaha! Now THAT’S progress!

***

Three human males, presumably fighters, are gathered around a short-bearded dwarf wearing silver armour.

Thobrun: So there we were, surrounded by twelve Elek worshippers. They outnumbered us two-to-one, and the rogue very nearly gave us the slip!

Fighter #1: Rogues’ll do that to ya if ya let ‘em!

Thobrun: Ye think I’d let the rogue abandon us like that? When facing evil, we all must stand together and help however we can! I’d never let’m avoid Alistair’s goals!

Fighter #2: So what did you do?

Thobrun: Um…we took them out fer afternoon tea!

The cast and crew laugh.

Thobrun: I fergot my line! Let’s try again!

***

The party walks along a forested path heading in the direction of Silveria City. Zed speaks to the orcborn.

Zed: Thank you for giving me a chance.

Mak: Amethyst says you’re great, so that’s good enough for me. Just be careful.

Zed: I will.

The orcborn smiles. Thobrun slips a hat in the shape of a yellow chicken onto his head. The crew starts laughing.

Mak: So you really have no idea where-

Mak turns around to look at Thobrun. The cast start laughing.

Mak: Okay, what is he wearing?

Thobrun: D’aw…the wee girl wanted te rest on my heed!

Mak: Somebody take that thing off of him before I really start to laugh!

Thobrun: Bwaaaaak…bwak bwak!

The cast and crew get into hysterics.

Mak: Okay…okay…go again!

***

Brocc: Well, I won’t make that mistake again, okay?

Bryn: Oh? Then where is your precious familiar right now?

Brocc: Uh…scouting ahead.

Bryn: My point.

Thobrun: Come on, you two. You should stop your bickering fer once and help me look fer my chicken!

The cast and crew burst into laughter. Mak is nearly crying.

Mak: I told…you…not to mention the chihihihihickehehen!

***

Four male humans, two with round ears and two with slightly-pointed ears, and a female human with slightly-pointed ears cross the bridge. They are wearing silver armour and helmets. The female human walks over to Mak.

Woman: Cynthia Meadows, guard-captain of Silveria City.

Thobrun: I must say, lass, yer hair is as golden as the feathers on my chicken! Perchance, have ye seen her?

The cast and crew start laughing again.

Mak: Can’t you go one scene without mentioning that thing?!

***

Zed takes a third mouthful of water.

Cynthia: That is it over there. We should arrive within the hour.

Zed takes one look at the giant citadel and spits out his water again.

Zed: That place is huge!

Amethyst giggles.

Amethyst: It appears even bigger once you enter.

Thobrun: Bwak!

The cast and crew laugh again. Mak laughs the loudest.

Mak: Every time, dude! Every freaking time!

The party relaxes in a park, sitting at a large wooden outdoor table with enough bench space for all eight members.

Amethyst: Such a lovely day.

Emily: Indeed. The subtle warmness is most enjoyable.

Bryn: What do you expect? It's the middle of summer!

Mak: Hey, after this, let's go and get some ice-cr-

Brocc: I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!

Everyone stares at Brocc.

Bryn: Okay, just what the hench is your problem, twig-fodder?!

Brocc: Really? NONE of you is curious about the delicious aroma that's emanating from that HUGE container in front of Zed?!

Everyone looks at Zed, who has a large, semi-translucent container with a yellow lid in front of him.

Mak: Oh yeah.

Kendall: How did we all miss THAT?

Brocc: Are. You. KIDDING ME?! Your sense of smell's, like, a QUINTILLION times stronger than ours put together!

Bryn: Uh..."quintillion" isn't a number.

Mak: Well, actually-

Bryn: Shut up and lemme have my moment, Makkmak.

Brocc: Tell us what's in the container, Zed!

Zed: Okay then...

Zed removes the lid with ungloved hands. Everyone looks at the contents, which consists of two long baked goods.

Bryn: Ooh, cake!

Zed: Banana bread, actually.

Bryn: Banana...bread...? Zed, that's OBVIOUSLY banana "cake".

Brocc: Nope, banana bread.

Bryn: Well, I've never heard of it. Looks good, though.

Zed: Oh, it is good, Bryn.

Emily: It looks and smells delectable, Zed!

Kendall: Agreed! Did you think of it yourself, Zed?

As Kendall finishes his sentence, a drop of saliva drips down his chin.

Bryn: Ew.

Zed: I actually learned the recipe in Terra. A friend of mine named Belle taught me how to make it.

Thobrun: Is it hard te make?

Zed: It's actually quite simple to do. I...did have to get creative with the ingredients, though, since walnuts don't exist in Junihoshi.

Bryn: "Walnuts"? Okay, now you're just making stuff up. Next you'll be telling us that Terra has an enormous evil pig who tries to steal a bunch of magical triangles AND an overgrown horned turtle who hates maintenance workers.

Zed: Well...

Mak: Come on, Bryn. I'm sure Zed's world is filled with things unlike any from Juniho-

Brocc: HURRY UP AND MAKE WITH THE BREAD, ZANDER!!

Zed: Uh...right.

***
The party sits at the table, their bellies stuffed.

Bryn: Wow, Zed...Terran food sure is scrumptious...

Brocc: That was easily the best banana bread I've ever had!

Mak: It's the ONLY banana bread you've ever had.

Brocc: Oh, right! Duh!

Brocc flicks his forehead.

Brocc: Ow!

Zed: I'm glad you liked it.

Amethyst: It was indeed superb. Tres bien!

Emily: Most delightful, to be sure!

Mak: Oh, by the way...Bryn?

Bryn: Yes?

Mak: Catch.

Mak throws a flower to Bryn, who catches it.

Bryn: Ooh, let's see what we have h-

Bryn's eyes bulge, her face flushing white.

Bryn: Oh no.

Mak grins, a frown spreading across his thick brow.

Mak: Oh yes.

Bryn: Why? Ooh!

Bryn drops the flower and begins to scratch.

Mak: Noone but my family and Ems calls me "Makkmak". GOT IT?!

Bryn: Ooch...ee...y-yes...ah...oo...

Mak laughs loudly as Bryn vigorously scratches herself.

Bryn walks up to Brocc, who is sitting on a log.

Bryn: You wanted to see me, Onion-Breath?

Brocc: Sit down next to me, Bryn.

Bryn: Uh...okay...

Bryn sits to Brocc's right on the log.

Bryn: Okay, shoot.

Brocc: Now, you know me as the funny one, right?

Bryn: That MAY be an overstatement, but continue.

Brocc: It's time for me to be serious, even if it's just this once.

Bryn: Oh no...you're not gonna propose to me, are you?!

Brocc panics

Brocc: WHAT?!

Bryn: Your reaction suggests not...okay, you can talk.

Brocc: Now, I've been carrying around some HUGE secrets that I am only now able to share with you.

Bryn: Right here, in the middle of the Woodpecker Woods?

Brocc: Precisely. Now, the first one is a doozy.

Bryn: Okay then...?

Brocc: I...am not actually a [pecking sound].

Bryn: Wait...so THAT'S why you can't sing!

Brocc: Yep!

Bryn: Then...what are you?

Brocc: Well, I'm an [pecking sound].

Bryn: Wait...so you're smarter than me?!

Brocc: What gave you that idea?!

Bryn: Well...aren't [pecking sound] supposed to be geniuses?

Brocc: Of course not! My brother [pecking sound] is the smart one. Oh, and also my sister [pecking sound]. And Katalina, if you want to get technical.

Bryn: Right...

Brocc: As for SVEN...well, don't even get me started on that lousy [pecking sound].

Bryn's eyes bulge.

Brocc: What?

Bryn: It's just that...I've never heard you use that particular word before.

Brocc: What? You mean [pecking sound]?

Bryn: Yes! Honestly, I don't know if I like you saying [pecking sound]...

Brocc: But YOU just said [pecking sound]!

Bryn: Yes, but rogues can get away with saying [pecking sound]!

Brocc: Well, maybe I SHOULD be allowed to say [pecking sound]!

Bryn: Okay, can we PLEASE stop saying [pecking sound]?!

Brocc: I will if you will.

Bryn: Good. Now, you mentioned another secret?

Brocc: Huh? Oh yeah...now THIS one's even bigger than the first.

Bryn: Bigger than you being an [pecking sound]?

Brocc: Yep! Okay, it's time to tell you that I, Broccoli Choy Verdann Svetlana Asparagustus Anchovius Wheatcream Bucknoodle Hairy Squirty Windy Carrot Bobobob [pecking sound] Sven Anabelle Chiptoon-

Bryn: Okay, do you REALLY need to say EVERY SINGLE ONE of your [pecking sound] middle names?

Brocc: I guess not. Anyway, I'm an [pecking sound].

Bryn: Wait...what the [pecking sound]?!

Brocc: Yep! Zed's not the only one to [pecking sound]!

Bryn: Then...you're able to [pecking sound]?

Brocc: Yep!

Bryn: With a [pecking sound]?

Brocc: Of course not! I use a harp.

Bryn: Oh.

Brocc: AND I'm not from Gnomsland, either!

Bryn: No [pecking sound]. Then where are you from?

Brocc: Only a little place called [pecking sound].

Bryn: Never heard of it.

Brocc: Of course you haven't. You're Platinian.

Bryn: Are you buying into the old "people from Platinia know nothing" stereotype?

Brocc: Of course not. I'm buying into the "people NOT from [pecking sound] aren't aware that [pecking sound] exists" stereotype.

Bryn: Fair enough.

Bryn and Brocc pause.

Bryn: These [pecking sound] woodpeckers are getting on my nerves. Shall we go back to town and buy some ice-cream?

Brocc: You've never had a better idea, you [pecking sound].

Bryn: Aw, that's such a sweet thing to say, Brocc...

Brocc: Don't mention it. Now back to town for some delicious frozen [pecking sound]!

Bryn and Brocc leap off the log and begin to walk.

Brocc: Oh, and don't tell the others my secrets, okay?

Bryn: Okay...um...may I ask why?

Brocc: 'Cause if you did, I'd have to [pecking sound].

Bryn stops walking as her eyes bulge, while Brocc continues ahead. Bryn mutters under her breath.

Bryn: Coulda warned me BEFORE telling me, [pecking sound]...

Thobrun and the Giant Fish

The party, minus Thobrun, sits at a table in The Naked Drake.

Kendall: So I hear this tavern's going to be converted into a Bake n' Drake restaurant.

Zed: Bake n' Drake? I've heard of that...

Kendall: Oh, you'd love it, Zed! It's a-

Thobrun's voice: G'day, mates!

Thobrun is suddenly standing at the table holding a large sack.

Bryn: I thought you were going "dwarven fishing" in Lake Silveria.

Thobrun: I did! Take a look at what I caught!

Thobrun empties the contents of the sack, a fish as large as Bryn, onto the table.

Bryn: By the seas of Euroria...

Brocc: Yes, I WILL have fries with that!

Mak: That's our Brocc!

Everyone laughs.

***
Brocc Eats the Giant Fish

Brocc sits in Zed's living area reading a book entitled "MASK OF AKANIUS EPISODE SCRIPTS".

Brocc: So it was FURBENDINK who created the rainbow fart spell...that explains so much, and yet so very little at the same ti-

Bryn's voice: BROCCOLI JOY FARSHOT!

Bryn is suddenly standing there.

Brocc: It's "Choy", not "Joy". Get it right!

Bryn: Sorry, I get confused because some of your middle names are for girls: Svetlana...Anabelle...Soba...

Brocc: Actually, Soba is a food, not a girl's name.

Bryn: It is?

Brocc: Yeah. Buckwheat noodles.

Bryn: Huh. Speaking of food, Kendall told me that you ate Thobrun's fish. By yourself. An entire tonne of sashimi.

Brocc: Yep.

Bryn: How?!

Brocc: Well, Thobrun offered, and I was all like, "Why yes, I WILL have fries with that!"

Mak's head pops up into the kitchen window from outside.

Mak: That's our Brocc!

Everyone laughs.

***
Brocc Eats at Bake n' Drake

Zed and Brocc stand at opposite ends of the service counter in the newly-opened Bake n' Drake burger restaurant.

Zed: What do you mean the shake machine's out-of-order?!

Cashier #1: No, it's not "out-of-order", it's "ON order". There's been a delay on its delivery.

Zed: Oh, okay then...

Brocc: -and I'll have a Marinated Drake Burger, and a DOUBLE Marinated Drake Burger, and a Monster Drake Burger with extra aioli, and a Chocolate Mousse Supreme, and Alph's favourite: strawberry truffle balls! Oh, and a diet soda.

Cashier #2: Actually, I don't think elves like strawberries...

Brocc: No, not "elf", "Alph"! Ah, never mind.

Cashier #2: Would you like fries with that order?

Brocc: No thanks.

Mak calls out from a table.

Mak: That's our Brocc!

Everyone in the restaurant laughs.

Brocc walks onto the stage.

Brocc: Ladies and Shmaydees, I will present my newest stand-up routine...or I WOULD be if a certain Greatkin hadn't booked out this auditorium for an ENTIRE WEEK to present her stupi-

Bryn's voice: Finish that statement, technicolour-flatulence. I DARE ya!

Brocc: I mean...her WONDERFULLY-WONDROUS...erm...play. Now, please welcome the Lady Bryn of Platinia as she presents her show...uh...hold on a minute...

Brocc pulls a card out of his pocket.

Brocc: "Muddvaks Suck"...Bryn, you gave me the wrong cue card!

Bryn's voice: No I didn't. That's the name of the play.

Brocc: Really?! I mean...what a wonderful, creative idea that simply captures the real-

Bryn's voice: Shut up and leave the stage, Noodlebuck!

Brocc: Fine! Everyone, Bryn.

Brocc leaves the stage. Bryn walks onto the stage wearing a muddvak costume.

Brocc's voice: And it's "Bucknoodle"!

Bryn: Whatever!

Bryn clears her throat, then makes a dramatic pose.

Bryn: Muddvaks...suck.

Bryn bows to the audience.

Brocc's voice: Is that it?! That play was weaker than a-

The crowd suddenly bursts into applause, with Bryn receiving a standing ovation.

Bryn: Oh...thank you, all!

Bryn bows again.

Brocc's voice: I don't believe this! An entire week of "Muddvaks suck". Ugh...I hope you get skin irritation, "Brynwon"!

Bryn: Thank you...thank you...

A number of roses land on the stage in front of Bryn.

Bryn: ...thank-

Bryn's eyes bulge.

Bryn: Uh-oh...

Brocc's: HAHAHAHAHA! This just became MY week! Encore! Encore!

Bryn grins to the crowd as she begins to scratch herself.

[BUTT MODE ENABLED]
...
Mak walks into an armoury, a butt in his hand. He approaches the counter, and the cashier smiles.

Mak: I need a new butt. As you can see, my old one-

Mak holds up his butt, revealing his butt to be covered in who-knows-what.

Mak: -has seen better days.

The cashier speaks in a concerned tone.

Cashier: Oh my, that is no good. That looks like...is that butt?

Mak: Tree sap, actually. We were ambushed by an arbour butt...a BIG one.

Cashier: Oh dear. Was anyone hurt?

Mak: Just one-

***
Brocc sits in the Temple of Marilina, with Emily kneeling beside him.

Emily: Show me where it hurts.

Brocc points down.

Brocc: Well, riding that arbour butt's back really dug into my-

Emily's face suddenly turns to butt mode as she realises the extent of the butt.

***
Mak: -but he'll be fine. Our party healer's treating him as we speak.

Cashier: Uh-huh...uh-huh...uh-huh...

Mak: Um, I'm done.

Cashier: Oh, sorry, I wasn't listening. Now, how can I help?

Mak: Um...I need a new butt...?

Cashier: Yes? And?

Mak: And...you sell butts. You are an armoury, yes?

Cashier: Oh, by the Twelve Butts, no! We're a butt.

Mak looks around and sees breads and butts everywhere.

Cashier: So unless you want a baton of bread, you'll want to go next door.

The cashier points to his left. Mak sheepishly backs out of the butt.

***
Mak leaves the butt and bumps into Zed, who is leaving the armoury.

Mak: Looking for butt?

Zed: Yep.

Mak: In there.

Mak points to the butt door. Both Mak and Zed walk into the correct butts.

BUTT MODE ENABLED

Trent, the butt and Kara walk along a butt. Trent stops to pick up some dirt. He sniffs it, then lets out a sneeze so loud and booming that a flock of birds flies out of a nearby butt.

Trent: Dey are nod doo bar away. (sniffs)

Kara: Good, then we can finally get them and take them to our Mistress.

Trent: We must not fail, Kara.

Kara: We will not, Trent-kun.

***
Trent and Kara continue to traverse the butt, the butt following closely behind. They stop when they come to a ruined, butt-covered wall.

Trent: (whispers) Are they behind this wall?

Kara: (whispers) I will check.

Kara holds out her butt at Trent, and he steps back. Kara silently approaches the wall and puts her butt against it. She slowly peeks around, and a smile spreads across her butt. She leaps into view.

Kara: At last, you have been found. Our Mistress will be most pleased indeed.

***
Trent and Kara approach the throne of the Sorceress of Butt. Trent's hands are folded behind his butt.

Sorceress: Did you locate them?

Kara: We did, Mistress-senpai. We brought back each and every one.

Sorceress: And?

Kara: I will let the results speak for themselves.

Trent steps forward and swings his hands from behind his butt, revealing a freshly-baked butt pie.

Sorceress: Excellent. Then butt is served.

***
The party sits around a butt.

Mak: Huh.

Emily: What is it, Makkmak?

Mak: I thought for sure we'd be attacked by those two butts today.

Amethyst: Perhaps they had other priorities.

Mak: Like what? Picking every butt in the land so we couldn't have any pie?

Amethyst: Perhaps you are right. Still, it is most peculiar that we found no butts anywhere today.

***
The Sorceress, Trent and Kara begin to eat the pie, which is served on round, crystal-clear butts.

Sorceress: Perhaps the one thing that makes this pie extra-delicious...is the fact that those butts the Crystalbound will not be enjoying any butt pie themselves. MWAHA! MWAHAHA! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

BUTT MODE ENABLED

The party arrives at a vast herd of buttvaks. Bryn shrieks and points at the butts.

Bryn: W-W-What...i-is...th-that?!

Thobrun: Looks like they're migrating.

Amethyst: The chill of winter does hang in the butt.

Bryn: But how do we get through them?!

Brocc: Aw, is Bwynnie afwaid of the big scawy buttvwaks?

Bryn: First of all, "buttvak" wouldn't be pronounced with a "w" even if you used baby talk.

Brocc: And how would you know?

Bryn: My brother has taught me a lot about the Common butt.

Brocc: But how could he have? He can't even butt!

Bryn: SECOND OF ALL, have you seen the size of those things?! If a buttvak can feed a Buttkin family for a month, then how do you expect a single Buttkin to, oh, I dunno, MOVE SAFELY THROUGH A STAMPEDE OF THEM?!

Brocc: Oh, Bryn, get a grip.

Emily: Brocc is right, Brynwon. They are merely walking slowly.

Brocc bursts out laughing.

Brocc: Brynwon?! What kind of name is Brynwon?! HAHAHAHAHA!

Bryn: This coming from the guy whose 17th middle name is Butt!

Brocc: Hey! Don't make this about me, Bryn!

Mak: Okay! I think I worked out a way to get us through safely without Bryn devolving into a cowering, blubbering-

Bryn: HEY!

Mak: -butt.

Sometime later...

Bryn: Whoa, we made it out in one butt.

Mak: Did I not do good?

Bryn: Yeah, you did good, butt guy.

Brocc: Aren't we going to recap how we made it through?

Mak: What's the point?

Bryn: Yeah, I mean, we know how we did it, don't we?

Kendall: Indeed.

Bryn: Unless there's someone watching us right now who wants to know...?

The party slowly turns to face the viewers. The view zooms out to reveal the party being spied upon by the Sorceress of Butt and Sara.

Sara: Ooh, look at those walking mounds of butt. Yum!

Sorceress: Blast! That stampede didn't work! Brenton will taste my wrath for his failure!

The view returns to the party, who walk off into the sunset.

Zed: Wait a minute...I haven't spoken for the entire butt!

BUTT MODE ENABLED

Mak walks into a butt. Weapons and armour of every description line the butts. He walks up to the counter, where a stern-looking gentleman stands in front of a butt.

Cashier: Whaddaya want? I haven't got all day.

Mak: Two batons of bread, please, my good butt! (laughs)

The cashier stares at Mak, a blank expression on his butt.

Mak: Sorry, it was just a little...you know what, never mind. You'd have to have been there to get it.

Mak's thoughts: Man, how does the green-haired butt do it?

Cashier: Can I help you?

Mak: Yes, I need a new butt. As you can see, mine has seen better days.

The cashier looks at Mak's butt.

Cashier: Yeesh! Looks like you rammed it right into an arbour butt's-

Mak: Hey hey, keep it PG! Butts visit this forum, you know!

Brocc's voice: (calls out from a distance) Your fourth-wall manipulation is improving!

Mak: (yells out) Unless you want me to hurt you in the most severe way a PG rating will allow, Brocc, you better-

Brocc's voice: Shutting up!

The cashier lets out a gruff chuckle.

Cashier: I like you, kid. Lemme show you a special butt.

The cashier reaches under the counter, pulling out a fine-looking magic longbutt.

Mak: Whoa, is that a Gold Dragon Butt?

Cashier: Sure is.

Mak: I've always wanted one...

Cashier: Well, it won't come cheap, so I hope you brought-

Mak: How much?

Cashier: Well, a butt this fine'll normally set you back a cool 50,000 gold-

Mak: I'll take it!

Cashier: -but for you, I'll do a special deal. Half off, plus I'll throw in a jewel-adorned butt.

Mak: Done!

The cashier places the butt on the table. He then picks up a hammer and strikes the middle of the butt, breaking it in half. The cashier picks up a gold butt encrusted with rubies and throws it at Mak, striking him in the butt with it.

Cashier: HAHAHAHAHA! Now THAT'S funny!

The butt slowly slides down Mak's butt, revealing him to be intensely angry. The orcborn's eyes glow with bright light, causing the cashier to start panicking.

***
We cut to a view outside the butt. A loud punching sound effect is heard, before Mak leaves the butt. Zed leaves the bakery at the same time, a large butt sitting atop his head.

Zed: Did you get your butt?

Mak: Nope, the shopkeeper was a jerk, so I punched-

Mak looks at Zed.

Mak: Oh no...did the baker throw a butt at you?

Zed: Huh? Oh, nope. I bought tons of bread and butt, so they gave me this cool hat! Neat, huh?

Mak: Oh, that is neat! I want one too!

***
The cashier stands facing a large butt labelled "Stress-B-Gone".

Cashier: Ah, this is my finest invention. Every time I enrage one of my customers, they punch it with all their might, which crushes the oranges inside and pours the juice into this butt.

The cashier removes a large butt filled with orange juice from a compartment inside the butt.

Cashier: It relieves their pent-up stress, and I never have to squeeze my own morning juice again! It's a butt-butt situation!

The cashier sips his juice.

Cashier: Ah, that's good.

BUTT MODE ENABLED

Zed and Kendall walk into Bake n' Butt, a popular burger restaurant chain.

Zed: Wow, this place is amazing!

Kendall: Indeed. It is the first establishment of its butt.

Zed: So what would you recommend?

Kendall: Well, let's find out, shall we?

Kendall holds up his butt and casts a spell on Zed.

Kendall: "Bake n' Butt's Detect Preferred Menu Butt!"

A bright light surrounds Zed, which disappears quickly.

Zed: Wow, that's a mouthful.

Zed glimpses someone finish taking an enormous bite from a Marinated Butt Burger. The gentleman chews slowly, a look of sheer joy on his butt.

Gentleman: Mmmmmmmm-mm-mmmmm...

Zed widens his butt and exhales before looking at Kendall.

Kendall: That was a spell called Bake n' Butt's detect preferred menu butt. It was invented by the Bake n' Butt corporate mage as a means to ensure that everyone receives their ideal butt.

Zed: Does it really work?

Kendall: Indeed. They have a policy whereby if anyone is dissatisfied with the menu option detected by the spell, they receive a free butt.

Zed: Cool. So...which butt do I like best?

Kendall: I'm not certain.

Zed frowns.

Zed: I thought the spell was buttproof.

Kendall: We must report this to the manager.

***
Manager: I apologise, but I cannot honour the free butt offer.

Kendall: What?! But...the spell failed!

Manager: The policy clearly states that the customer must be dissatisfied with their butt despite the spell's recommendation.

Kendall: And how many customers have received a free butt?

Manager: Exactly 0 customers to date have received a free butt due to Bake n' Butt's detect preferred menu butt inaccuracy.

Kendall: (sarcastic) The system works.

Manager: However...

Kendall: Yes?

Manager: We do have a policy for the spell not functioning at all, and this is the first time that Bake n' Butt's detect preferred menu butt has failed.

Kendall: What kind of policy?

***
Zed and Kendall leave Bake n' Butt. Kendall appears shocked, whereas Zed seems disappointed.

Kendall: A 5,000 butt compensation for the spell not working on you?! Of all the luck...

Zed: Aw, I wanted a free butt...

Kendall: You can buy a butt with your hard-earned butt, though.

Zed: Oh yeah...buttbutts for all!

Zed runs back into Bake n' Butt.

Kendall: Buttbutts? But...I'm allergic to butt.

Zed's butt echoes out from within.

Zed's voice: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE BUTT MACHINE'S OUT OF ORDER?!

BUTT MODE ENABLED

The party relaxes in a park, sitting at a large wooden outdoor table with enough butt space for all eight members.

Amethyst: Such a lovely day.

Emily: Indeed. The subtle warmness is most enjoyable.

Bryn: What do you expect? It's the middle of summer!

Mak: Hey, after this, let's go and get some ice-cr-

Brocc: I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!

Everyone stares at Brocc.

Bryn: Okay, just what the hench is your problem, butt-fodder?!

Brocc: Really? NONE of you is curious about the delicious aroma that's emanating from that HUGE butt in front of Zed?!

Everyone looks at Zed, who has a large, semi-translucent butt with a yellow lid in front of him.

Mak: Oh yeah.

Kendall: How did we all miss THAT?

Brocc: Are. You. KIDDING ME?! Your sense of smell's, like, a QUINTILLION times stronger than ours put together!

Bryn: Uh..."quintillion" isn't a number.

Mak: Well, actually-

Bryn: Shut up and lemme have my moment, Makkmak.

Brocc: Tell us what's in the butt, Zed!

Zed: Okay then...

Zed removes the lid with ungloved hands. Everyone looks at the contents, which consists of two long baked goods.

Bryn: Ooh, butt!

Zed: Banana butt, actually.

Bryn: Banana...butt...? Zed, that's OBVIOUSLY banana "butt".

Brocc: Nope, banana butt.

Bryn: Well, I've never heard of it. Looks good, though.

Zed: Oh, it is good, Bryn.

Emily: It looks and smells delectable, Zed!

Kendall: Agreed! Did you think of it yourself, Zed?

As Kendall finishes his sentence, a drop of saliva drips down his butt.

Bryn: Ew.

Zed: I actually learned the recipe in Terra. A friend of mine named Belle taught me how to make it.

Thobrun: Is it hard te make?

Zed: It's actually quite simple to do. I...did have to get creative with the ingredients, though, since butts don't exist in Junihoshi.

Bryn: "Butts"? Okay, now you're just making stuff up. Next you'll be telling us that Terra has an enormous evil butt who tries to steal a bunch of magical triangles AND an overgrown horned butt who hates maintenance workers.

Zed: Well...

Mak: Come on, Bryn. I'm sure Zed's world is filled with butts unlike any from Juniho-

Brocc: HURRY UP AND MAKE WITH THE BUTT, ZANDER!!

Zed: Uh...right.

***
The party sits at the table, their butts stuffed.

Bryn: Wow, Zed...Terran food sure is scrumptious...

Brocc: That was easily the best banana butt I've ever had!

Mak: It's the ONLY banana butt you've ever had.

Brocc: Oh, right! Duh!

Brocc flicks his forehead.

Brocc: Ow!

Zed: I'm glad you liked it.

Amethyst: It was indeed superb. Tres bien!

Emily: Most delightful, to be sure!

Mak: Oh, by the way...Bryn?

Bryn: Yes?

Mak: Catch.

Mak throws a butt to Bryn, who catches it.

Bryn: Ooh, let's see what we have h-

Bryn's eyes bulge, her butt flushing white.

Bryn: Oh no.

Mak grins, a frown spreading across his thick butt.

Mak: Oh yes.

Bryn: Why? Ooh!

Bryn drops the butt and begins to scratch.

Mak: Noone but my family and Ems calls me "Makkmak". GOT IT?!

Bryn: Ooch...ee...y-yes...ah...oo...

Mak laughs loudly as Bryn vigorously scratches herself.

BUTT MODE ENABLED

Bryn walks up to Brocc, who is sitting on a log.

Bryn: You wanted to see me, Onion-Breath?

Brocc: Sit down next to me, Bryn.

Bryn: Uh...okay...

Bryn sits to Brocc's right on the log.

Bryn: Okay, shoot.

Brocc: Now, you know me as the funny one, right?

Bryn: That MAY be an overstatement, but continue.

Brocc: It's time for me to be serious, even if it's just this once.

Bryn: Oh no...you're not gonna propose to me, are you?!

Brocc panics

Brocc: WHAT?!

Bryn: Your reaction suggests not...okay, you can talk.

Brocc: Now, I've been carrying around some HUGE secrets that I am only now able to share with you.

Bryn: Right here, in the middle of the Butt Woods?

Brocc: Precisely. Now, the first one is a doozy.

Bryn: Okay then...?

Brocc: I...am not actually a [fart sound].

Bryn: Wait...so THAT'S why you can't sing!

Brocc: Yep!

Bryn: Then...what are you?

Brocc: Well, I'm an [fart sound].

Bryn: Wait...so you're smarter than me?!

Brocc: What gave you that idea?!

Bryn: Well...aren't [fart sound] supposed to be geniuses?

Brocc: Of course not! My brother [fart sound] is the smart one. Oh, and also my sister [fart sound]. And Katalina, if you want to get technical.

Bryn: Right...

Brocc: As for SVEN...well, don't even get me started on that lousy [fart sound].

Bryn's eyes bulge.

Brocc: What?

Bryn: It's just that...I've never heard you use that particular word before.

Brocc: What? You mean [fart sound]?

Bryn: Yes! Honestly, I don't know if I like you saying [fart sound]...

Brocc: But YOU just said [fart sound]!

Bryn: Yes, but rogues can get away with saying [fart sound]!

Brocc: Well, maybe I SHOULD be allowed to say [fart sound]!

Bryn: Okay, can we PLEASE stop saying [fart sound]?!

Brocc: I will if you will.

Bryn: Good. Now, you mentioned another secret?

Brocc: Huh? Oh yeah...now THIS one's even bigger than the first.

Bryn: Bigger than you being an [fart sound]?

Brocc: Yep! Okay, it's time to tell you that I, Broccoli Choy Verdann Svetlana Asparagustus Anchovius Wheatcream Bucknoodle Hairy Squirty Windy Carrot Bobobob [fart sound] Sven Anabelle Chiptoon-

Bryn: Okay, do you REALLY need to say EVERY SINGLE ONE of your [fart sound] middle names?

Brocc: I guess not. Anyway, I'm an [fart sound].

Bryn: Wait...what the [fart sound]?!

Brocc: Yep! Zed's not the only one to [fart sound]!

Bryn: Then...you're able to [fart sound]?

Brocc: Yep!

Bryn: With a [fart sound]?

Brocc: Of course not! I use a harp.

Bryn: Oh.

Brocc: AND I'm not from Gnomsland, either!

Bryn: No [fart sound]. Then where are you from?

Brocc: Only a little place called [fart sound].

Bryn: Never heard of it.

Brocc: Of course you haven't. You're Platinian.

Bryn: Are you buying into the old "people from Platinia know nothing" stereotype?

Brocc: Of course not. I'm buying into the "people NOT from [fart sound] aren't aware that [fart sound] exists" stereotype.

Bryn: Fair enough.

Bryn and Brocc pause.

Bryn: These [fart sound] butts are getting on my nerves. Shall we go back to town and buy some ice-cream?

Brocc: You've never had a better idea, you [fart sound].

Bryn: Aw, that's such a sweet thing to say, Brocc...

Brocc: Don't mention it. Now back to town for some delicious frozen [fart sound]!

Bryn and Brocc leap off the log and begin to walk.

Brocc: Oh, and don't tell the others my secrets, okay?

Bryn: Okay...um...may I ask why?

Brocc: 'Cause if you did, I'd have to [fart sound].

Bryn stops walking as her eyes bulge, while Brocc continues ahead. Bryn mutters under her breath.

Bryn: Coulda warned me BEFORE telling me, [fart sound]...

Brocc walks onto the stage.

Brocc: Ladies and not-ladies, it is my pleasure to announce that Duggdug is getting his own Super-Short RIGHT NOW! Which is probably better than him having it LEFT THEN, amirite?

The audience remains silent.

Brocc: Huh. I expected someone to liken me to a pink marshmallow and request that Kendall take the stage...oh well. Everyone, I present - making his first stage appearance - the man himself - remember, he's never appeared in-person before now - the funny guy - I can't stress enough the first-timedness of-

Bryn yells from off-stage.

Bryn: Oh, for the love of beans, Brocc, just introduce the guy already!

Brocc: Uh...right. Everyone, Duggdug Grey!

Brocc gestures both hands to his left. Mak walks onto the stage, grinning and waving as the audience applauds. Mak stops next to Brocc.

Mak (in Duggdug's voice): You suck! Give us the dog-dude!

Brocc: THERE'S that catchphrase we all know and love! Come on, give him some love!

The audience claps and cheers.

Brocc: Now, Duggdug.

Mak (in Duggdug's voice): Please, Brick, call me "Mak".

Brocc: Sure thing, Duggdug! Now, I must admit you look IDENTICAL to someone I know!

Mak (in Duggdug's voice): You don't say...

Brocc: Yeah! His name's Thobrun and he-

Mak facepalms.

Brocc: -could PRACTICALLY be your double! Are you sure you're not a long-lost twin?

Mak (in Duggdug's voice): You really are as thick as a brick-

Mak pulls his hand away, revealing a blank face.

Mak (in Mak's voice): -aren't you?

Bryn walks onto the stage.

Bryn: You said it, "Mak"!

Brocc: What the...? Bryn?! This is Duggdug's show!

Mak: I'm not Duggdug, Brocc. I'm Mak!

Brocc: What the...? Mak?! Then...where's Duggdug?

Bryn: There IS no Duggdug, shrimp-breath! It was all a joke!

Brocc: You mean I've been funked?!

Bryn: Sure...whatever...

Brocc: This is an outrage! You will be hearing from my lawyer!

Mak: Your what?

Brocc: My LAWYER! L-O-Y-E-R!

Mak: I have no idea what one of those is, Brocc.

Bryn: Yeah, stop making up words!

Brocc: I'm not making up words! Zed, back me up here!

Zed calls from off-stage.

Zed: Actually, I'm pretty sure that lawyers don't exist in Junihoshi. Trials work differently here.

Brocc: Oh...eheheh...of COURSE they do! "Lawyer"? Pfft...what IS one of those thi-

Bryn: You're not fooling anyone, Brocc.

Mak: Actually, I'm a little confused...

Bryn: I'll tell you when you're older, big guy.

Mak: What?! I'm 24! And you're 35, which is TECHNICALLY younger than me!

Bryn: What?! How in the dampest marshes of Granrelm did you know my age?!

Brocc: Wait...Bryn's a teenager?!

Bryn: My reputation's ruined! AAAAAAAHHH!!

Bryn runs off-stage.

Brocc: Duggdug Grey, everyone!

Mak (in Duggdug's voice): You suck! Give us the dog-dude!

The crowd claps and cheers as Mak takes a bow.

Alph and Ocre are training.

Ocre: You've definitely improved, Alph.

Alph stops swinging at Ocre.

Alph: Thanks...(pant)...Ocre...

Ocre: Let's finish up for today.

Alph: Good idea. I could use a rest.

Amy: Who wants tea?

Amy walks up to Ocre and Alph carrying a cardboard tray lined with white paper cups.

Ocre: You read my mind!

Amy: How many times must I tell you, Ocre? I'm an esper, not a telepath!

Ocre: No, it was a metaphor.

Amy: Oh, right. Silly me! Anyway, here's your chilled chilli tea, Ocre.

Amy hands one of the cups to Ocre.

Ocre: Thanks. I could use a cool beverage.

Furbendink: Cool?! That thing is full of chilli!

Furbendink is suddenly standing there.

Amy: Ah, Furbendink! Here's your...uh...cup of sweet whipped cream.

Amy hands a particularly large cup to Furbendink.

Furbendink: YAAAAAAAAY! My favourite!

Furbendink runs away with delight.

Ocre: I don't know how he can drink that by itself.

Amy: And for Alph, one steaming-hot plain black tea.

Amy hands a cup to Alph.

Alph: Thank you, Amy.

Amy smiles sweetly.

Amy: So...are you going to drink it?

Alph: In a minute.

Amy: Oh. I'll come back shortly, then. I'm sure Crynock's eagerly awaiting his melon water.

Alph: No problem.

Amy begins walking away.

Amy's thoughts: I'll quickly give Crynock his drink, then race back to Alph. This time, I WILL see his beautiful face!

One minute later...

Amy approaches Alph and Ocre. Alph is wearing his breather and holding his cup.

Amy: I'm back!

Alph: Oh, hi!

Amy looks at Alph's cup, then at his face.

Amy: You haven't drunk your tea?

Alph: Actually, I have.

Amy: How much?

Alph: All of it.

Amy: WHAT?!

Alph: It was really good. Thanks again!

Amy: You finished an entire large tea in under a minute? How?!

Alph: I was thirsty. Training's intense when Ocre's involved!

Ocre: He's not wrong! Haha!

Amy: But it was scalding hot!

Alph: Yeah? And?

Amy: How can you guzzle hot tea so quickly?

Alph: I must be part-drachomus or something.

Alph and Ocre laugh. Amy spins around, her eyes shadowed as a look of sorrow appears on her face.

Amy's thoughts: No! My plans have been thwarted once again! Mark my words: I WILL see Alph's face, even if I have to pry that mask from it myself!

Amy laughs in a semi-sinister fashion.

Ocre: What do you see in that girl, Alph?

Alph shrugs and makes an "I dunno" sound.

Kendall walks up to a door, where Brocc is standing.

Kendall: Oh, is the toilet occupied?

Brocc: Yep! Join the queue, Kenny.

Kendall: Oh...okay.

Kendall stands behind Brocc.

Kendall: You do know that it's mainly family who call me "Kenny", right?

Brocc: Oh yeah, like your sisters, right?

Kendall: Yes, like my dear sister.

Brocc: I know what you mean. My sister Katalina calls me "Brockie", which I think is her way of saying-

A flushing sound is heard.

Brocc: -YAY! The toilet's free!

The door opens, and Mak steps out.

Mak: She's all yours, boys!

Mak walks away.

Brocc: Wait...MAK was the one in there?!

Kendall sniffs the air, then quickly covers his hand with his mouth while he gags.

Kendall: I think I'm going to be sick...

Brocc: What? You've never used a public toilet before?

Kendall: I haven't used one after Mak, if that's what you mean.

Brocc: Well, I have plenty of times, and I assure you that Mak ALWAYS leaves a lemony scent after using the toilet.

Brocc walks in and closes the door.

Brocc's voice: Now to-

Brocc pauses.

Brocc's voice: By the spires of Chromerria, what is that STENCH?! Ugh...it's like the fertiliser of an arbour beast after eating a huge mound of muddvak leavings! And...SWEET BEAN CAKES WITH HOT FUDGE ON TOP! WHAT DID HE LEAVE IN THE BOWL?!

Zed walks up to Kendall.

Zed: Is someone in the toilet?

Brocc opens the door, his eyes wide open and bloodshot.

Brocc: Don't do it, Zed...it's not...worth it...

Brocc stumbles away.

Zed: Oh, are you waiting too, Kendall?

Kendall: I'll be ready soon...

Kendall's thoughts: ...to lose my lunch...ooh, my stomach...

Zed: Okay then.

Zed walks in and closes the door.

***
Later...

Brocc walks up to Kendall.

Brocc: You're STILL waiting?!

Kendall: Oh, Zed's in there.

Brocc: WHAT?! But...he's probably unconscious in there! It's filled with an odour stronger than ether, I'm telling you!

A flushing sound is heard.

Brocc: And now he's pressed the flusher in his sleep!

The door opens, and Zed steps out.

Zed: All finished.

Brocc: You were hours, Zed! Are you okay?!

Kendall: Actually, he was only five minutes.

Brocc: Oh. Hey, what's that smell?

Zed: Oh, I cast prestidigitation. That toilet's cleaner and fresher than any cleaning staff can achieve!

Brocc: Good, cause I'm desperate to-

Bryn runs up to the door.

Bryn: Sorryladiesisfullhadchilliforlunchberightout!

Brocc: BRYN! NO!

Bryn runs in and closes the door.

Brocc: I can't take it anymore! My pants are about to be-

Bryn's voice: ITCHYYYYYYYYYY! OOCH-EE-AH!

Zed: Oh yeah, I picked rose scent. My bad.

Brocc: HAHAHAHAHAAH! Take THAT Bryn! Uh-oh...

That's Our Brocc! is filmed in front of a live studio audience.

Mak sits in an armchair reading a newspaper. The front door opens and Emily walks in.

Emily: Hello! I'm home! (applause)

Mak smiles, stands and walks up to Emily, wrapping his arms around her as she embraces him.

Mak: Hello, dear.

Mak and Emily kiss, then let go of one another.

Mak: So how was your day at the office?

Emily: Oh, don't get me started...first the photocopier was jammed, then someone spilled milk on my favourite blouse.

Mak: Did you cry over it? (laughter)

Emily: And to top it all off, a typo in my contract ended up with my boss reducing my paycheque by $5.00!

Mak: Well, well, that's quite the..."clerical" error! (laughter)

Emily: And how was your day?

Mak: Absolutely wonderful.

Emily: Oh, good.

Mak: Except that the kids were sent home from school early due to some students having lice.

Emily: Oh dear!

Mak: It's fine, though. The principal says the rats'll take care of the lice. (laughter)

Emily: But what about the rats?

Mak: Simple. Frogs. (laughter)

Emily: But what about the frogs?

Mak: I don't know! Do I LOOK like a botanist? (laughter)

Bryn runs downstairs.

Bryn: Mummy! Daddy! Brocc buried my doll in the backyard!

Mak: That's our Brocc! (laughter and applause)

Brocc runs downstairs.

Brocc: I told you! I didn't do it! The dog did!

Emily: Now why would Kenny bury Bryn's toy in the yard?

Kendall runs into the room.

Kendall: Did someone mention my name?

Mak: NO! BAD KENDALL! BAD! We do NOT bark inside! Now go to the backyard!

Kendall: You STILL don't know I can speak human?! (laughter)

Mak: NO! That's a BAD Kendall! Outside!

Kendall whimpers and slowly walks away.

Mak: I knew we should've had him neut-

The doorbell rings.

Mak: Every time... (laughter)

Mak walks up to the front door and opens it. Erik is standing there.

Erik: Hello. (applause)

Mak: Whatever you're selling, we don't want any. (laughter)

Erik: Actually, I'm here to see your..."son".

Brocc: Me?

Bryn (sarcastic): No, the potted plant that LOOKS like you. (laughter)

We see a view of a plant with leaves resembling Brocc's hair.

Brocc: Hey, now that you mention it... (laughter)

Erik enters the room.

Mak: Would you like to come in, complete stranger? (laughter)

Erik: Brocc, you need to wake up.

Brocc: But I AM awake!

Erik: No. You are passed out in the middle of a busy street.

Emily: Brocc! Have you been dri-

Brocc: NO! Of course not!

Mak: That's our Brocc! (laughter)

Brocc: I can't consume alcohol because I'm a-

***
Brocc awakens and sits up. He is in the middle of a busy street.

Brocc: Wow, that's the last time I eat seven bowls of ramen in one sitting! What a weird dream...

Brocc looks ahead.

Brocc: Wait a minute...what's a drachomus doing in the middle of Silveria City...?

Random Passerby: That's our Brocc!

Everyone in the street laughs.

Brocc walks onto the stage.

Brocc: Ladies and whatevers, we were SUPPOSED to show you a Super-Short starring myself, entitled-

Bryn's voice: And ME, glue-slurper!

Brocc: Yes, and Bryn, entitled "Brockie and the Bryn", but-

Bryn's voice: I thought it was "Brynnie and the Brocc"!

Brocc: What? That sounds stupid!

Bryn's voice: YOU'RE stupid!

Brocc: No, I'M stupid!

Bryn's voice: Don't you DARE start that again!

Brocc: ANYWAY, the writers of these Super-Shorts feel that Bryn and I are in too many of these things, so instead, we have created this alternative starring one of the other characters of Crystals of Silveria. Enjoy!

***
Headmaster Stormshroud and the Rather Tall Pile of Paperwork

Spoiler:

***
Brocc: WOW! Wasn't that entertaining?

A few people in the audience clap slowly.

Brocc: Well, that's our Super-Short for now. See you next time!

Brocc sits on Zed's bed, his legs crossed and his hands on his knees. His eyes are closed.

Brocc (chanting): Sven...Sven...

Zed walks into the room and sees Brocc.

Brocc: ...Sven...

Zed: Uh...what are you doing...?

Brocc: I am meditating, Zander. I am trying to find the tiny kernel of my heart that DOESN'T despise my brother.

Zed: You mean Furry?

Brocc: No, I mean Sven.

Brocc opens one eye.

Brocc: Wait...you said "Furry"...?

Zed: Yep.

Brocc's eyes open wide.

Brocc: How do you know about him?!

Zed: Y-You...told me.

Brocc: Oh, good! For a second there I thought you-

A loud clicking sound is heard. Brocc's expression turns blank.

Brocc: WHAT IS YOUR COMMAND, MASTER?

Bryn walks into the room.

Bryn: Worked like an abjuration.

Zed: What the...? Bryn, what did you do?!

Bryn: Well, I figured Brocc was in such a deep state of meditation that I could hypnotise him. I must admit, it worked better than I expected!

Brocc: I HAVEN'T GOT ALL DAY, MASTER. WHADDAYA WANT?

Bryn: Brocc, I command you to neatly fold my smalls.

Brocc: HEH. HEH. HEH. YOU SAID "SMALLS", AND YOU ARE A HALFLING, WHICH MAKES YOU SMALL. THE IRONY IS DELICIOUS, MASTER.

Bryn: Are you gonna fold my underwear or not?!

Brocc: YES, MASTER.

Brocc's body levitates, and he floats through the door. Zed appears surprised.

Zed: Did he just-

Bryn: -belittle his master? Yep, he sure did!

Zed: No, I mean-

Bryn: Oh, right, the floaty thing. To be honest, I don't know what Brocc can do. And...I'd rather not know, you know?

Zed: No.

Bryn: Oh.

Bryn pauses.

Bryn: I better check on him.

Bryn leaves the room. After a moment, she calls out.

Bryn's voice: BROCC! What are you doing?!

Brocc's voice: FOLDING YOUR SMALLS, MASTER.

Bryn's voice: No, those aren't MY smalls, they're MAK'S! Although they may as well be called "bigs"!

Brocc's voice: BUT THIS UNDERWEAR HAS SWEAT STAINS AND STRONG ODOUR. ARE YOU SURE IT'S NOT YOURS, MASTER?

Bryn's voice: Am I sure it's not...Brocc, I only just WASHED my underwear! And you know that Mak HATES having his things touched! Oh. Eheheheheeh...Mak! Come here a minute!

We hear loud bootsteps.

Mak's voice: Yeah, Bry- Huh?! Brocc, that's my underwear!

Bryn's voice: Let 'im have it, Mak!

Mak's voice: Oh, you better believe it! Take THIS!

Bryn's voice: Yeah! Wait...you gave him GOLD?!

Mak's voice: Well, it's the least I could do for him. After all, no-one else even DARES to fold my boxers!

Bryn's voice: But...but...

Mak's voice: You deserve every coin, Brocc. Thanks again!

We hear loud bootsteps.

Bryn's voice: Brocc, I order you to give me that gold!

Brocc's voice: NO, THIS IS MY GOLD. GET YOUR OWN. PERHAPS YOU'D PREFER SOME FRESH FRUIT, MASTER?

Bryn's voice: I'll give YOU fruit, Brocc! *razz*

Brocc's voice: EXCUSE MY BLUNTNESS, MASTER, BUT THAT WAS NOT FRUIT. IT WAS YOUR TONGUE PROTRUDING MAKING A NOISE.

Bryn's voice: Stupid "Guide to Hypnosis"! Well, that's 50 Gold down the proverbial toilet.

Brocc's voice: RIGHT AWAY, MASTER.

Bryn's voice: Wait, Brocc! NOOOOOOOO!

A flushing sound is heard. We cut back to a view of Zed.

Zed: Uh...what just happened...?

Brocc walks onto the stage carrying a large, open book.

Brocc: Ladies and fartichokes, it is my pleasure to introduce a very different tale than the ones you're used to. It takes place in a faraway realm known as Realmslandia, and features a princess, an evil sorcerer and a grand, heroic gnome! I call it The Adventure of the Heroic Gnome in...the Sorcerer-Nabbed Princess' Tale. Enjoy!

Brocc clears his throat. The scene fades to white.

***
The scene fades back in to reveal a very pink castle chamber filled with love hearts, plush unicorns and several plates of tempura scattered about.

Brocc's voice: We begin our tale in the bedchamber of the Fairy Princess-

Bryn's voice: That's FAIR princess, Grass-Clippings!

Brocc's voice: Oh, right...the FAIR Princess Bryn of Realmslandia.

Bryn pops into the room. She is wearing a fluffy pink dress and hat that are by no means true to her character.

"Bryn": I am the fair and helpless fairy princess Bryn, and I do fair and helpless things like brush fluffy unicorn toys and eat tasty prawn tempura.

Bryn's voice: WHAT?! I would NEVER do those things!

Brocc's voice: That's right, but PRINCESS Bryn would!

Bryn's voice: It's like you based this character on YOURSELF, Brocc!

Brocc's voice: Hey! Who's telling the story here?!

Bryn's voice: Ugh...fine, shutting up, Master Storyteller Brocc.

Brocc's voice: Thank you. Now, while Princess Bryn was stuffing herself with delicious fried and battered shrimp the size of a muddvak-

Each piece of tempura suddenly grows to the size of an adult muddvak.

Brocc's voice: The evil wizard Svenonborf appeared to kidnap her!

A gnome resembling Sven from Shell of Thal in a black cape pops into the room.

"Sven": Ha. Ha. Ha. I am the sorcerer Svenonborf the Incompetent...or is that Svenonborf the Incontinent...? Eh, just call me Sven. Ha. Ha. Ha.

Princess Bryn: Oh no! Whatever shall this helpless fairy princess do?!

Brocc's voice: Just then, the mighty hero Brocconccini appeared after hearing the princess' anguished cry for help!

A gnome resembling a human-proportioned Brocc appears. He is dressed in green hero's garb and is brandishing a pocky stick. The gnome speaks with an over-the-top heroic voice.

"Brocc": Halt, nastydoer!

Princess Bryn: Gasp! Who are you, mighty and attractive hero?

Bryn's voice: "Mighty and attractive hero"? You must be joking!

Brocc's voice: This is MY story, Bryn, so do kindly shut your vakmeat-hole, won't you? Anyway...

"Brocc": I am the mighty and heroic Brocconccini, here to save the fairy princess Bryn from the clutches of the baddy-two-boots Svenonborf! Ooh, that Svenonborf!

Svenonborf: You cannot stop me, Brocconccini, for I possess the Fried Trout of Flour!

Brocconccini: Well, somewhat coincidentally, I possess the Fried Bass of Curry AND the Mystical Pocky of Heroism!

Princess Bryn: If it's any consolation, I possess the Fried Hali-butt of Whipped Cream and the Arowana of Light Mayo.

Bryn's voice: Oh, come on! No-one puts whipped cream on fried halibut!

Brocc's voice: HEY! Just because CERTAIN gnomes put whipped cream on fried fish, that DOESN'T give you the right to criticise, Bryn!

***
The scene cuts back to the stage. Bryn and Brocc stand there, glaring at each other.

Bryn: That story is terrible, Brocc!

Brocc: Yeah...well...you're so terrible that I'm surprised no-one's thrown the book at you!

After a pause, Brocc pathetically throws his book five inches in front of him towards Bryn.

Brocc: NNGH!

Bryn bursts out laughing.

Bryn: Oh, what a magnificent throw, "mighty and heroic Brocconccini"!

Brocc: THAT'S IT! I'm leaving!

Brocc stomps off-stage in anger. Bryn looks at the audience and smiles.

Bryn: And so, the FAIR princess Bryn showed just how not-useless she was. Well, that's all the time we have for now. See you next time!

Brocc walks up to Zed, his hands folded behind his back.

Brocc: Hey, Zander?

Zed: Uh...yeah, Brocc?

Brocc swings his hands from behind his back, revealling a cupcake with blue icing.

Brocc: HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

Zed smiles.

Zed: I appreciate the gesture, but-

Brocc: What? You don't like cream-filled vanilla sponge?

Zed: Of course I do! It's just that today's not my birthday.

Brocc: Wait...what?! But Erik told me your birthday was during the Dragon Festival!

Zed: It is. Dragon Festival Day TWO. Today is Dragon Festival Day ONE.

Brocc: Oh. Then your birthday is-

Zed: -tomorrow, yes.

Brocc: Oh. Well I feel like an idiot.

Bryn enters the room.

Bryn: Hey Zed! Let's go to The Naked Drake for no particular reason.

Brocc: Bryn? Bryn? No. Just...no.

Bryn: No? But you said the codeword: "I feel like an idiot"!

Brocc: It's not Zed's birthday today.

Bryn: What? But you said-

Brocc: Forget what I said! I mean you believed something that came out of MY mouth?!

Bryn: But we've been planning for weeks!

Brocc: Well, we'll have to postpone it.

Bryn: Till when?

Brocc: Dragon Festival Day Two.

Bryn: TOMORROW?!

Bryn sighs.

Bryn: Fine...I'll see if Warren and Tabitha'll let us keep our booking for an extra day.

Bryn runs from the room.

Brocc: And I'LL...erm...NOT hide some presents again.

Brocc pauses, then leaves the room. Zed scraches his head.

Zed: Oh wait...maybe my birthday IS today after all...

BUTT MODE ENABLED

Amethyst studies an ancient butt by candlelight. A knock sounds on the butt.

Amethyst: Enter.

The butt opens and Zed walks in.

Zed: I'm not interrupting, am I?

Amethyst: No, of course not. Do sit down.

Zed sits in a chair. He notices the candle.

Zed: Butt butt butt butt butt? (You read by candlelight?)

Amethyst: I prefer it. Artificial lighting just feels too unnatural.

Amethyst smiles.

Amethyst: And I must say that your Butt is becoming much more fluent.

Zed: Butt. Butt butt. (Thank you. Much appreciated.)

Amethyst: You do realise that speaking every language you know does not make you sound any more intelligent, do you not?

Zed: Butt butt butt... (That's the problem...)

Amethyst: Problem?

Zed: Butt butt butt butt butt butt butt butt butt butt. (Every sentence I say is in a different language.)

Amethyst: Oh, my goodness! How did this happen?!

Zed: Butt butt butt... (I don't know...)

***
Mak: Come again?

Amethyst: It is true. So far he has said things in Butt, Axian, Butt, Butt, Butt, Butt and all three dialects of Butt. The problem is that the language is randomly-determined each time. Every once in a while, he manages to utter something in Common.

Zed: Butt butt butt butt butt. (I hope it isn't permanent...)

Thobrun: Aye, that's Butt, alright.

Zed: *fart sound* (Wait, maybe it was that potion that Gazzo gave me...)

Bryn: Is...Is he...speaking fluent Butt?!

Amethyst: Indeed.

Gazzo: Well, I have no idea what coulda caused this one.

Gazzo whistles as he kicks the potion buttle out of sight.

Amethyst: Well, we just have to hope it wears off eventually. I am afraid that there is nothing I can do.

Zed: Butt, butt butt butt butt butt día butt! (Oh, this is going to be a LONG butt!)